Jaemin the Icy Prince and Me - Na Jaemin NCT

63. Valentine's Day

It's 14 February. Valentine's Day.

Exactly nine months, one week and three days ago, we became a fake couple and sealed our pact with our first kiss in an alley.

It was June, and the world smelt of roses. I remember the sunshine like powdered gold on your hair when you kissed me.

Exactly nine months, one week and three days ago, I agreed to become your fake girlfriend because I hoped that you would fall in love with me for real by Valentine's Day of the following year.

And here you are beside me, on Valentine's Day, holding my hand in yours, looking down at me, and saying nothing, because you don't need to - your eyes say everything there is to say.

In a few weeks, school will be over for you, and you'll be embarking on the next phase of your life. You told me that you've applied to Seoul National University, and that you've been given a conditional offer, based on your brilliant results in the qualifying entrance exam. I'm so proud of you, but I can't help feeling sad, because you'll be leaving me soon. I think you know how sad I am, because I see the sadness in your eyes as well. You said you want to be a doctor, it's always been a dream of yours, and I know your dream is going to come true, and I'm so terribly proud of you.

We have another seven months to go, you and me, before you leave, and tonight, I'm going to push all those sad thoughts away, and just be happy with you.

All around us, lovers are strolling through the streets hand in hand. 

I'm carrying the bouquet of red roses you gave me, and the box of chocolates nestled inside. You gave the roses to me and said, "These are for you. I love you. Happy Valentine's Day. And here are the chocolates. Oh God, hide them quick, someone I know is walking towards us..."

And then I pass you your gift.

It's a silvery woollen scarf.

"I'm sorry," I say miserably, "it doesn't look as good as it does in the pattern book, my mum taught me to knit it, but I'm pretty bad, but I just wanted you to make something for you, something special..."

My voice trails off.

You don't say anything for a while, and when you speak finally, your voice is rough.

"Come here. Drape it around my neck."

"Why, Na Jemin," I say in surprise. "That guy you know is looking straight at you right now.

"I don't care," you grit. "Drape it around my damn neck."

So I drape the scarf around your neck, and it reflects the light in your hair and in your eyes.

"I love you," you say quietly, and kiss me right there and then in the middle of the sidewalk, letting the crowds of people flow around us like water around an island. A hundred gawking eyes are staring, and fingers are pointing at us. You kiss me till I almost swoon and start swaying unsteadily on my feet, and then you haul me tight against your body. A group of rowdy teenagers stop, and cheer, erupting into wolf-whistles.

You look them straight in the eye, and holler, "I love this girl. Her name's Kim Mina, and I love her, and I want the whole world to know. And that includes you, you pathetic bunch of low-life, love-deprived losers...!"

I drag you away before you come to blows.

"Those aren't kids, they're gangsters...do you want to die on Valentine's Day, you nutcase?"

The night passes in a blissful blur, and we watch a movie, and you fall asleep on my shoulder. We stop at a cafe, and share a bibimbap and a bottle of soju, and then we take a bus home. We sit side by side in the juddering bus, empty except for us, and an elderly couple, who get down at the next stop. We hold hands without saying anything at all. I feel the touch of your hand, your forehead pressed to mine, I shiver as you brush my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear. And still, you don't kiss me. Not once through the ride. 

I'm beginning to go a little crazy.

We get down at our stop, and climb a rise at the end of an alley, up a flight of tall stone steps. I run the remaining steps, leaving you behind, and stop in wonder: the city stretches out beneath me, silvery-white and rustling, like a wide ghostly sea of twinkling lights, the tiny roofs of houses appearing like ships floating adrift on moonlit waves.

I hear your footsteps coming to a stop behind me, and I turn.

You are standing very still, staring at me; you look quite shatteringly beautiful in the pale, silvery moonlight, your eyes lit up with a smouldering, dangerous heat in their dark depths.

I catch my breath.

"Come here, and kiss me," you growl. 

"No, I won't." I say softly.

"What did you say?" Your voice is so silky my heart starts to pound.

You take one, two steps towards me.

"I said no, I won't kiss you..."

"Why won't you kiss me?"

You take another step towards me.

"Because I'm - I'm out of breath from all that climbing..."

"Oh, really?" Your voice is so husky and low it's almost a whisper.

You're standing right next to me, so close our bodies are almost touching. I can feel your warm breath on my hair.

"Really..." I swallow.

"You know what?"

You run your fingers lightly over my lips.

"What?" I whisper.

"I. Don't. Give. A. Damn."

And you pull me into your arms, toss the bouquet of roses and the box of chocolates unceremoniously onto the ground, ignore my protests, "Noooo! My roses! My chocolates!", growl, "Shut up!", and crush my lips against yours. I resist, laughing, and pull back and look up at you - unfamiliar, dangerous, so wildly exciting.

You kiss me again, hard.

"Tell me again that you won't..."

"What?" I can barely think straight.

"Tell me again that you won't kiss me... ," you say, your voice hoarse.

"I won't kiss you," I say, the words coming out like a caress. I say it again, over and over. I hear my voice, breathless with excitement, sultry, flirty. "I won't kiss you. I won't kiss you. I won't kiss you."

You kiss me harder.

"I won't kiss you..." I sigh into your mouth, but my voice is so weak it's barely more than breath. 

"I love you.."

I hear my voice coming from a distance, hazy and unfamiliar, wild with passion.

"I love you I love you I love you..."

"I love you so much I can't think of anything else, but you, Na Jaemin..."

I melt into your lips, and devour your mouth hungrily. I can't think anymore. I just want to kiss you, touch you. I run my fingers across your strong shoulders and down your arms. Your skin feels hot under my hands, your body hard.

We break the kiss finally, and I know by the sadness in your eyes, the thing that is troubling you; it hovers, trembling before us, casting its long shadow over us.

In that breathless second I almost know at once the question quivering on your lips, wrenched, boiling, from your chest. 

Come away with me? Stay with me? Come to the University with me? 

But you know, as well as I, that it is an impossibility, a dream, a child's fantasy. 

Neither of us speak. 

I am the first to break the silence.

"When did you first know that you loved me?"

"I can't pinpoint the exact time or place when I first fell in love with you, or when it all started. It was too long ago. All I know is that when I found out I loved you, I was already in the middle of loving you..." You smile faintly at me, your eyes tender, very soft.

"I was already in love with you, before I even knew that I had begun..."