Jaemin the Icy Prince and Me - Na Jaemin NCT

40. I Want to Move On

This morning, you walked ahead of me again.

Did you hear me behind you?

Did you feel me behind you?

You said that you used to slow down, so I could catch up with you.

You said that if I lagged too far behind, you'd feel an emptiness inside of you.

But you don't feel empty now, do you?

You've got her walking beside you.

You've got her hand in yours.

How long has it been since you forgot me, Jaemin my love?

Four weeks?

Six weeks?

Eight weeks?

I don't know.

All I know is that it feels like an eternity.

You forgot me, after all we've been to each other.

You said you'd never leave me, you said you'd never forget me.

But look at you now. You've got her by your side. You smile and laugh when you're with her, it's as though what we had was just a dream, a figment of my imagination. 

Sometimes, I think it was. 

So I rummage through my drawers and I take out the blue box - your mum gave it to me, she said the nurses gave it to her. They gave her the ring too, the one I put on your finger. It's in the blue box now, together with my ring, side by side. They sparkle in the light, and I look at them, and read the inscriptions: JM Loves MN, and I say aloud, in the silence of my room, it's not a dream, it's real, it's real, it's real. I love you, I love you, I love you. I say it three times, and maybe, just maybe, you'll hear me through that fog, hear me loud and clear, and come running to find me...you said you would, remember? You said, stay where you are, wait for me, and I'll come looking for you, I won't stop till I find you...

But it's been so long, Jaemin, and I think I've given up. 

The other day, I walked past the bench where you slept on my lap, and I thought I heard words follow me. Whispered from afar. Faint and warm and familiar. 

Kim Mina. Kim Mina. Kim Mina.

I turned around, but there was no one there.

And, today, when I was at my locker, I looked up, and you were there, standing still, looking down at me.

"Kim Mina," you said, and I almost broke down.

I thought you had remembered.

"Yes?"

"I heard - I heard we were together last term, before the summer break. Is it true?"

You looked so lost, so vulnerable.

"I can't remember," you whispered. "Were we together? Why can't I remember? It's driving me crazy, thinking about it...I've been thinking about it all week. Tell me, were we together?"

And I felt that stab of pain pierce my innermost being again, but dulled this time, blunted...I think, in time, I will feel no pain. 

But not now. Not at this moment.

Maybe later, very much later.

I schooled my face into a pleasant, smiling mask, and said nonchalantly, "Oh, that? It was nothing, you don't have to worry about it. You asked me to help you out, and pretend to be your fake girlfriend. We were childhood friends, but you don't remember that too, do you?" 

You shake your head slowly, staring into my eyes. 

"You had so many fangirls coming after you, confessing to you every day, you said it was annoying, and you asked me to help you out."

I was so pleased with myself, the way I spoke, with just the right touch of carelessness, of nonchalance.

"Really? That's all it was? A fake relationship?"

"Yeah, that's all it was. You see it all the time in dramas, in mangas, in movies..." I laugh, a little too long, a little too hard, so I stop myself, and say, "Don't worry about it. It wasn't anything important."

"What did you get in return?"

Your voice is so quiet and low, it's almost a whisper.

And, I don't know, maybe it was the dim lighting, or the dark corridor, but, for a moment, I thought I saw you inside those inscrutable eyes, Jaemin. I thought you looked at me the way you used to look, like you couldn't take your eyes off me, like I held you in my gaze, and you couldn't move, you couldn't stir.

"Jaemin!"

We turned, and it was Sara, standing at the end of the hallway, looking at you, looking at me, and looking back at you again.

When you turned back to me, you looked your new self again, and your eyes were blank, detached, the eyes of a stranger.

"You said you'd protect me in return, and you did. You saved me from a stalker, this guy who was pestering me..." I said, in a rush.

"And we ended it? This fake relationship?"

"Oh, we did. It only lasted for two weeks. We got tired of it. So we called it off..."

My voice died away. I had run out of lies to say. My tongue refused to move anymore.

"That's it," I said brightly. "Don't worry about it. Look, you'd better go, your girlfriend's waiting for you."

I slammed the locker door shut with a loud clang, locked it and pushed past you.

I walked to the girl's toilet, and collapsed against a sink.

My knees were shaking, my hands were trembling.

"Mina," Sara touched my shoulder gently. "Mina, are you okay?"

I hadn't heard her come in.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I whispered. "Just give me a second..."

"Mina, I'm so sorry," she said sadly. "I know you're hurting. But, the thing is, I can't give him up, I'm so sorry...I thought it'd be just a while, helping him get over the shock and all, but it's been what, two months? And he still can't remember you...so, Mina, I've decided, I'm going to hold on to him, I love him so, I can't let him go, I'm sorry..."

"He's happy with me...he may not love me the way he used to love you, but it's okay, it's enough for me. I'm just so happy to be given this second chance to stay by his side..."

"You understand, don't you, Mina? Because you love him, and you want the best for him, don't you? And the best for him is me, not you, anymore, because he's forgotten you completely, he's erased you from his mind...it's like you never existed, like he never knew you, never fell in love with you. It's like you never happened, and it was me all the time, so I'm just going to go with that from now on, and you should too. We should all move on, and forget the past. I'm his present now, and his past. Let's just stop torturing ourselves, and move on, forget the past..."

"Yes, let's move on," I said. "I want to move on. I'm tired of waiting, and I want to move on..."

She stretched out a hand, and I shook it. 

She's a nice girl, and I would have done the same thing in her shoes.

At home in my bedroom tonight, I take out the scrap of notepaper that I had torn from my notebook that rainy day so long ago. I look at the scrawly black numbers scribbled on it. 

There's a little bit of space left at the bottom.

I will fill it with words, and maybe the words that I write will fill up this brokenness inside of me.

I love you.

I have loved you.

I will love you.