Jaemin the Icy Prince and Me - Na Jaemin NCT

46. I Hate You

I'm on my way to meet Leean for dinner. He texted me a while ago - I wonder how he got my number? - and asked me if I was free for dinner, and I said, yes. Junnie's not here, she's hitting it off with her new guy, and they're going out on a date somewhere. So I figured I might as well join Leean for dinner, I mean, it's just dinner, and he's nice. As long as I don't go for a walk with him, I should be okay. And I'm feeling lonesome.

Tomorrow we'll be leaving for Seoul.

And Jaemin hasn't even been to see me at all.

It's already 7.30 pm.

It's the time of evening when white flowers appear paler in the soft, drowsy light. I walk past the pale daffodils which lie quiet and still in their beds, their petals drooping a little, their heads bowed, getting ready for sleep.

I turn the bend, and reach the block housing the cafeteria. There's a narrow hallway at the side, and I see two figures huddled in the shadows. A couple making out, I suppose. I'm about to walk past them, and then I hear Sara's voice say, "Jaemin, kiss me."

I stand very still, scarcely daring to move in case they hear me.

I expect to hear a moan, or some passionate rejoinder, like, "Oh God, I've been dying to kiss you all day", or a growl and a smacking of lips joining, but nothing of the sort happens. I hold my breath, my heart is careening like a wild animal inside my ribcage, and I want him to say, "I can't. I'm in love with someone else..."

There is an absolute silence for about a second. Then I hear her say again, very quietly and very distinctly, "Kiss me, please, Jaemin."

And he bends his head and kisses her, and I die. My heart breaks, it shatters into a million fragments. 

Oh God, help me.

I've never known such pain, such agony in my life. It's like I'm being ripped apart slowly, every part of me; my eyes, my face, my lips, even my arms hurt, the pain fills and floods every pore of my being. My heart hurts the most, it's a physical pain that jabs and cuts and shreds and pierces to the tenderest, deepest, softest, the most vulnerable part of me, and it hurts so bad I am gasping from the pain. 

I want to die, I think I died, I think I'm already dead. 

And then I start to shake all over, my knees buckle, and I have to grip the edge of the wall with my trembling fingers.

The kiss lasts for a full minute.

It feels like an eternity.

As long as I live, I will remember that long minute.

I will remember the raw sound of their rapid breathing lashing my ears so cruelly, so deafeningly loud in the dark, the silence and the stillness.

I draw a shuddering breath, and my fingernails dig deep and painfully into the soft flesh of my clammy palms.

I feel cold, so very cold. I am shivering in this icy coldness. I will never be warm again.

They break their kiss.

"Oh, Jaemin, I love you so much..." I hear Sara speak, an excited little break in her voice.

I take a step forward, and he raises his head over her shoulders. 

Our eyes meet.

I wonder how I look, because he flinches at once.

I turn my face away, and dash past them.

"Mina!" Leean's waving at me from across the hall, grinning broadly.

"Hey," he says. "Are you okay? You look very white."