Jaemin the Icy Prince and Me - Na Jaemin NCT

50. She Can't be Your Girl

He slips a wad of notes under the candlestick holder, and we leave, closing the door softly behind us.

Dawn is breaking.

How quiet it is, how still.

A faint blush trembles upon the horizon, as we make our way out of the woods, hand in hand, without speaking a word to each other. Now and then, we look up, and smile at each other, but we don't say a word.

We walk across the silence; nothing breathes, everything is transfixed, waiting. 

A new day, a new beginning.

I feel the sunrise warm on my back, as we stop at the entrance to my dorm. We stand and look at each other for a long time, and then you bend down, and brush your lips against mine, a fleeting touch, gentle, unbearably sweet.

"Later," you say, smiling at me.

"Later," I echo, smiling back at you.

And then, I turn, and run up the stairs without looking back.

I know you're still standing, watching me, your eyes following me, all the way up the stairs till I disappear from your sight. I know, because I can feel your eyes warm upon my back, all the way up to my floor.

I turn into the hallway, and I stop.

Sara is sitting in front of the door of my dorm.

She looks up, as I walk towards her.

"I want to talk." 

Her eyes are dull, her voice listless.

Gone is the flushed, animated girl of yesterday night.

"You were with him, weren't you?" She looks at me, her eyes flitting over me. "I can smell him on you..."

"Yes."

I am beyond lying. 

I will never lie again.

"He loves me." I hear my voice, calm, sure.

"I know..." 

She looks at me, and there is such pain in her eyes, it cuts me.

I wonder if I looked like that yesterday, and all the yesterdays before yesterday.

"I've known for a long time, but I just didn't want to admit it."

"It was all right at first, he seemed to like me, he was happy in my company."

"And then, it started again, four days, five days, after he came home from the hospital..." She looks unseeingly into the distance. "He kept looking out at your balcony, every time I came in, he would be at the curtains, behind the curtains, his face looking out, turned to your side, turned to your balcony. It was like he was waiting for you, for a glimpse of you..."

"It drove me crazy, it was like my nightmare had resurfaced, that nightmare of three years ago, the nightmare that drove me away..."

"But I told myself, I was imagining it, I was being too sensitive...I refused to see the misery in his eyes."

"He talked, and he laughed, and he acted as if everything was normal, everything was fine." She falters. "But he wasn't, he was anything, but fine."

"In fact," she says in a low voice, almost a whisper, "he was downright miserable. But I just didn't want to see it."

"It was a new term, and I went to school with him. I sat next to him, I held his hand, I was his new girlfriend."

"People kept asking him about you, that was the thing. I think if they hadn't spoken about you, it'd have been fine, and he'd have learnt to forget about you in time, he'd have learnt to let go of his obsession with you..."

"But they kept talking and talking about you. Leean, especially. I remember him asking him to his face the very first day he came back to school, three weeks after the accident, 'What about Mina?' Jaemin looked very confused, and he said, 'What about her?' And Leean looked so furious, and he yelled, 'Mina, your girlfriend! Don't tell me you've forgotten about her? You were crazy about her! You wanted to kill me because you couldn't bear me talking, or sitting next to her! You asshole!'

"They'd forgotten all about me," she laughed without humour, "even though I was standing right there between them."

"Leean grabbed his collar, and his face was so red, and I came between them, and I said to Leean, 'He's with me now. I'm his girl now. Kim Mina's his past, she's not important anymore.'

"Leean turned to Jaemin, and said, 'You made your choice, you asshole. Make sure you stick to it. Because I like Kim Mina, and I'll bet she's hurting now, you're a damn selfish bastard, that's what you are. You don't deserve her, you don't deserve her one bit. From now on, you stay away from her, you stay away from Kim Mina, you stay away from my girl, you get it? Or I'll kill you, I mean it."

"And Jaemin blinks, as if he's dazed, and he's not heard a word of what Leean's been saying. He kind of sags against the wall, like he's dizzy, and says, in a faint voice, 'Your girl? Kim Mina's your girl?' Then I heard him say, almost in a whisper, 'No, that can't be, that's not right, she can't be your girl, she's - she's my - "

"And I panicked, and I cut him off at once. I said, 'Jaemin, you're not feeling well, you're confused..." I turned to Leean, and said, "He's confused. Leave him alone. He's been through a lot. So, just leave him alone."

"I dragged Jaemin out of there, away from Leean. He followed me quietly, he didn't protest, or say anything, but I could see that he was agitated, he was breathing hard, and there were beads of sweat all over his forehead..."

"We never talked about that incident with Leean, but I could see that it was preying on him, that it haunted him..."

"I caught him at the window watching you so many times I forgot to keep count, and after a while, I just closed my eyes to it. I told myself he'd forgotten you, and how could he love you if he'd forgotten you?"

"I was wrong, I was so wrong..."

"He would freeze every time you walked past our class, which was most every day. You never looked up..." She smiles wistfully. "If you did, you'd have seen him looking at you. That look just broke me every time..." Her voice dips to a whisper. "There was so much yearning in it, such a sadness, it broke me, it hurt me..."