Jaemin the Icy Prince and Me - Na Jaemin NCT

59. It Hurts to Love

I am writing this in my room.

After you showed me all the pieces of paper that you'd written bearing my name on it, I came home and wrote your name on this page.

Na Jaemin. Jaemin. Na Jaemin. Jaemin.

NA JAEMIN. JAEMIN. NA JAEMIN. JAEMIN.

Writing your name makes me miss you more, and crave you more. 

Just looking at your name in written form affects me. 

The angles and curves of the letters in their precise order make my heart jolt. 

I read your name out loud softly; dwelling, lingering over each syllable, taking my time, feeling it smooth and silky, gliding like melted butter over my tongue.

Na Jaemin. Jaemin. Na Jaemin. Jaemin.

It's strange to think that something as simple as reading your name could cause a flutter in my heart, but it can; I feel a burst of happiness, an anticipation of something wonderful shimmering on the horizon, a promise of excitement, like a baited breath, or the moment before a sunrise. It's a joyous kind of magic, where all I have to do is to write these words, and my anxiety or sadness is dispelled in a heartbeat, and instantly transformed into a foolish smile. 

We talked quietly, lying on your bed, side by side.

"There was a time you saw me once, one afternoon, on my balcony. I must have been about 15 then...There was no one else around, and I was playing this tape, this music. I was sort of dancing with my eyes closed and then I opened them, and you were watching me from your balcony. Do you remember?" I murmured, lying next to you, your arms around me, surrounded by a colourful sea of paper.

"Yes, I remember. I still think about it from time to time."

"You do? Really? So do I."

"When I watched you dancing that day, I saw a beautiful girl, so elusive, beyond my reach, her eyes tightly closed, and I imagined holding you, and dancing with you in my arms. I imagined you were calling out to me, behind your closed eyelids, to hold you, and dance with you, and never let you go..."

 You kissed my lips softly, fleetingly. 

"That was what I saw. But it wasn't really you, what you were doing, I know that now. What I saw that afternoon was myself, and my longing for you..."

"And I've never forgotten..."

The line is blurring between my memories and yours. I can't help feeling a sort of glow that our memories are intertwined. How wonderful it is to know that we've loved each other all of our lives...

"Jaemin?"

"Yes?"

"I think I understand now. I didn't understand before, but I see it now."

I raised myself on my elbows, and said softly, "It hurts to love. But there's no other way. We have to love. We have to feel. It's the reason why we're here on earth. We're here to risk our hearts. We're here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that we're broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, it's okay, because we've tasted love, we've known what it's like to love, and be loved -  and that's rather splendid, isn't it? That we loved someone, and someone loved us, and even if we couldn't be together in the end - well, I'd rather live with a broken heart than a withered one." 

"A withered heart?" He laughed, and held me close. "Like an onion that's been left too long in the sun?"

"I'm serious, don't laugh, or I'll pinch you." He sobered up at once, but I could still see a ghost of a smile on his lips. "That's when you live alone without love, and the loneliness will break you with its yearning in the end, so you'll end up with a withered heart."

"Since when did you become a philosopher, my darling?" he said fondly, playing with my hair, and smiling slightly.

"Since you broke my heart," I said, matter-of-factly.

"Oh," he said, and clutched at his chest. "You gutted me..."

He collapsed on the bed, his eyes closed.

"You broke my heart, and I want you to know my wound is going to last for a lifetime." I bent down, and yelled into his ear, making him jump.

"I have a remedy," he said silkily. "It'll fix your broken heart in a flash."

And he pulled me down, and started to kiss me breathless until I squealed and begged for mercy.

He stopped finally, and said quietly, "I love you, Kim Mina, and I'm sorry I broke your heart. I'll spend the rest of my life atoning for it."

"How can you be so sure you won't leave me again?"

"I'll never leave you, I'll never let you go again. Because I love you. How many times must I say it for you to believe me? I love you. I love you. I love you. There? Is that enough? Do you believe me now?" He kissed me gently on the lips. "And as soon as you're old enough, I'm going to marry you. Just wait and see."

"Really?" I breathed. "You really want to marry me?"

"I can't imagine marrying anyone else but you. I want to marry you, and have kids with you. I want to grow old with you."

"Because I love you, Kim Mina. I love you. I love you. I love you."

"There's no one else for me but you."

"You're my life."

You kissed me so sweetly, and I was so happy and I thought to myself: so this is how a moment becomes a memory, so this is how now becomes forever...

So I learnt four truths today.

1. Hearts are breakable.

2. Grief is the price we pay for love.

3. When you lose someone you love, it's like you're missing a piece of yourself. Aching, gut-wrenching emptiness takes over. The feeling will never go away, and you've got to find a way to fill this void - get a new phone, or a new guy, or stuff yourself with food. 

I filled my emptiness with words.

4. And lastly, and most importantly, if you really broke my heart, then I guess it means I must really, really love you, Na Jaemin.