Keep Me From Falling Apart [Niall Horan]

Chapter Four

Turns out I was right. I was never going to see Niall again. 

Or even the world. In one day I’ll be locked up and never released. Twenty years from now I’ll still be in this stupid ward because I’m never going to get better. The only people I’ll ever see will be the nurses, doctors, and my Mom and Adam. I’d rather not see anyone than see my Mom or Adam.

Yesterday, my Mom told Marie that I wasn’t going to be able to return to the program. By now, Marie’s probably already contacted the girl that got cut and is now flying her to wherever the boys are. 

Wherever Niall is.

I had accepted the fact that I’d never get to see Niall again, but I hadn’t accepted the fact that my Mom was to blame for that.

She thinks she’s controls everything I do. Even the doctors do. I had no life anymore. Guess that was what I was trying to achieve when I attempted suicide. Only I didn’t think it’d turn out this way. 

I wanted to sleep. I wanted to escape everything for just a couple of hours. But I was afraid of my own mind. I was afraid that as soon as I closed my eyes, I’d see the broken Niall standing over my bed. I had a hard enough time not thinking about the dream, I couldn’t sleep because I didn’t want to see that again. 

If was enough for me to be broken, but I couldn’t imagine him being that way. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want him to hurt like this. To be trapped within your own mind of self loathing and having no way to escape is something I wouldn’t even wish on my worst enemy. 

I ran my fingers along the edge of my wrist bandage. I think the doctors knew this thing would taunt me. I fiddled with the thing all day long. They’d taken all of my rings and bracelets, so I had nothing on my arms to distract me from the bandage. I sometimes could stare at the thing for hours. Sometimes I just wanted to rip it off.

4am rolled around and I settled into my chair to write or draw in the journal.

I ended up staring at the thing for an hour. My mind was blank. I couldn’t think of anything to draw. I couldn’t think. At all. My head felt hazy and I was tired. I wanted to sleep so badly. I closed my eyes. For a moment I felt relaxed. Then Niall’s face flashed through my mind. I practically jumped from my chair. 

My breathing came in small gasps. The journal had fell from my lap when I jumped up. I picked it up and laid it on the bed. My skin was crawling. I couldn’t stand it. I needed air. I needed fresh air.

In the thin clothes I was required to wear, the cool morning air was freezing.

It was kind of like the last night in New Zealand. It had been kind of warm during the day, then as the sun went down, it got cooler, making the ocean freezing. 

“You smell like fish,” Niall had told me before I had gotten the chance to shower after swimming that night.

I looked down into the parking lot. It was still dark out, so the lamp posts were the only thing lighting up the place. The roof was very nice. You could see everything, but nothing could see you. 

I woke up, still on the roof, hours later. The sun was up. I hadn’t dreamed. Of anything. Guess fresh air really does do a person good. What time was it? 

It was 8am when I got back inside and found a clock. 4 hours of sleep. Better than nothing.

I was surprised to get back to my room and find my Mom.

“You are not to call this number again. If you do so, I’ll have your number blocked,” she said into the phone.

She hung up without another word and turned to face me.

“Who was that?” I asked without a greeting.

“Relatives..” she said smiling.

“It amazes me how quickly you come up with lies.. now tell me who that really was,” I said crossing my arms.

“Don’t worry about it, sweetie. What we need to worry about it where you have been,” she said.

“Go to work,” I said sitting down in my chair.

“I’m gonna go see about your breakfast, since your missed the round an hour ago,” she said stepping out.

The door clicked behind her and made a move the grab the phone, but then I noticed her bag sitting on the bed. Her cellphone was probably in there. I snatched the bag off the bed and dug through it till I found her phone. I clicked through Recent Calls until I found an unfamiliar number. It had to had been Marie’s. I grabbed my journal and scribbled down the number. This woman was my only hope. I wasn’t loosing this number.

My Mom returned with my breakfast and I stuffed the journal in the cushions beside me.

She finally left for work at 9, after she watched me eat all of my breakfast. As soon as I was sure no one was going to come check on me, I grabbed the phone and dialed the number I’d scribbled down.

1 ring. 2 rings. 3. 4. 5. Voicemail.

“Hi, sorry I’ve missed your call, leave a message at the beep.” 

You’d think being a college program manager she’d have a more professional voicemail.

10 seconds after I hung up the phone, I realized that wasn’t Marie’s voice.

I hit recent calls on the phone and saw the same number I’d just called was the one my Mom was talking with earlier. She told me it was a relative. She told me not to worry. She tried brushing it off. No wonder my Mom had told them not to call back. They were exactly the people she was trying to cut me off from.

She’d found me. How the heck did Nicole West find out I was in a mental ward?