Keep Me From Falling Apart [Niall Horan]

Chapter Seventeen

Niall’s POV.

I have no idea where that came from.

I pretty much had no control over my own mouth. My yelling at Lou was uncalled for. Now I had everyone’s attention. Great.

“No need to get fussy,” Lou stated, crossing his arms.

“I’m sorry, lad, I didn’t mean it,” I apologized, but I knew I had really hurt his feelings.

Nicole, Harry, Zayn and Liam all watched us, waiting for Louis to reply. When he didn’t, Nicole took up the silence.

“Why are you so.. angry?” She asked, sounding unsure of what to call my sudden outburst.

“I’m not, I’m just frustrated,” I said shaking my head.

“Over what?” Liam asked, a concerned expression.

“Nothing,” I said a bit too quickly.

Everyone’s expression turned curious, except for Nicole’s. She knew what I’d done, even when she had told me not to. It was wrong of me. I shouldn’t have bothered Michaela. But what was I supposed to do? I couldn’t just let her think that attempting to kill herself was okay! 

I adjusted my snapback on my head and waited for someone to bug me about the situation again.

“Guys, go find the girls and I’m gonna go talk to Michaela,” Nicole ordered.

Harry immediately turned to her, questioning her.

“Just go,” she told him, kissing his cheek lightly

I turned my attention to the floor, feeling both guilty for watching and jealous of them. Lou, Liam, and Zayn all turned to go down the hall, Harry turned to follow, but when I did, Nicole grabbed my arm, pulling me back.

I knew what was coming. I felt horrible for not listening to what she had told me this morning, but I couldn’t help it. I was worried.

“What is wrong with you?” She asked once the lads were around the corner.

“Look, I already feel awful enough, I don’t need you telling me how wrong I was,” I stated, a bit too rudely but I couldn’t find the will the care.

“What exactly did you say or ask?” She asked, her expression softening.

“I just wanted to know why..” I said quietly.

“Niall..” she sighed.

I done just what she had told me not to. But in some ways, I was glad I had asked. I had thought Michaela was upset the morning in Louis’ flat, but she was worse than I thought. Her wrist. I couldn’t believe she had done that to herself. It was obvious she had. But I wanted to confirm it, so I would know I wasn’t just going crazy. I knew about Nicole’s problems in her past. She had told me a few things, and I felt horrible for her. But I didn’t want Michaela doing it. 

I knew now, that I was too late.

Last month, when I found out she was taking those medications, I knew she would be better, that the pills would help, and she wouldn’t result to that stuff. She seemed so much better when she left New Zealand, like she didn’t even need the pills anymore. She was happy.

Then when I saw her in the kitchen, when she had just gotten back, I knew she wasn’t. She had changed. Her smiles were weak and she wouldn’t laugh. Last I had seen her, she laughed at everything. And she always looked tired to me, but now she just looked weak. She wanted to give up. She had tried to. 

This morning when I woke up on the couch next to her, she acted happy. But her small laughs were different. She would giggle but it wouldn’t reach her eyes. Her eyes. Her green eyes were so bright and beautiful, it’s not there anymore. Her eyes have faded, leaving behind a dull green that hates everyone and everything. Even me.