don't die yet // kim seokjin //

soon

this will make sense soon i just need to release the shit i feel right now

soon—

"Hyung, it's 3:24, why are you awake?"

Jin blinked, the bottom of his eyes felt like it was cramping. "I woke up and couldn't sleep. Didn't have anything to do so here I am, stretching."

Hoseok raised an eyebrow as he eyed the older, legs wide open in an angle pass ninety degrees, his back hunched and arms on his front. The younger sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Go back to sleep, hyung."

"Heard what I said, Hobi? Couldn't sleep. Must be productive." Jin muttered as if he was cheering himself because he wasn't simply laying down anymore. That he was doing something and not nothing.

What Hoseok saw was nothing. What he saw was his older brother forcing himself to do something, obvious dark circles under his eyes, pale and chapped lips, and seemingly dark skin. His hyung looked tired so he must be tired.

Hoseok groaned. He stepped towards the older, taking his forearm. "Let's go back to sleep, hyungie."

Jin flinched at the touch and pulled away without looking. "You go ahead, Hoseokie. Between the two of us, we both know you need sleep the most and I don't want to stall you for that." Jin said, turning to put his elbows on the floor as he sighed and groaned a bit.

"Hyung, have you seen yourself? You look so tired. You sound tired. If anything, you should be the one sleeping and not me." Hoseok retorted, almost like he was scolding a stubborn child.

Jin shook his head, not looking up to the rapper. "Go and sleep, Hoseok-ah. I'll be fine." He said before sniffling a bit.

Hoseok tilted his head. "Seokjin hyung, are you crying?"

Seokjin bobbed his head side to side. "Nah, just a cold. The meds must've worn off."

"Are you oka–?"

"Yes. Hobi. I'm fine. Go back to sleep or else there won't be enough sleep to sleep. If that made sense at all."

Hoseok had to let out a light chuckle. However, he stopped once he caught his eyes on the bones from his back poking through the thin white shirt Jin wore. He nearly cursed because the only people he knew that had that much sight of bone poking out were either malnourished or underweight. The last time they checked—a month after the decision was made—Jin was at the brink of being an under.

And he did the most appropriate thing he could think of at that time.

"Alright, try to get some sleep if you can, hyung. I'll get back to Jiminie." He said, slowly waking away, waving a hand over his shoulder. He couldn't see if Jin made any movement as a response but he was sure he heard a hum from the older.

Walking away and disappearing to the hallway of their rooms, he let out a sigh. He didn't know whether to classify it being a tired, relieved, worried, scared, angry, or paranoid sigh. One thing was for sure it was a sigh with one reason.

Jin sighed as he closed his legs together in front of him. He closed his eyes at the same time, let himself fall on the ground on his side. He opened his eyes, blinking them slowly as he felt them water, a burning sensation at the back of his eyeballs. He let the droplets drop on the carpet, swallowing as silent as he can.

He felt the overwhelming urge to hug and cry to someone. He smiled slowly and shakily because he knew that was so far from happening. He knew how the members had each other, and how they had him and he had them. But the feeling that they won't need him and didn't need him was a clear sign that he couldn't need them. Where he found that feeling? Thanks to his mind of course.

A wave of tingling from the back of his head hits him, making him squeeze his eyes shut helplessly. He waited for the lapse to fade before slowly opening his eyes only to meet blur from his tear filled eyes.

Jin let the endless drops of salt fall on the floor, staring at his left hand beside his head twitch from time to time. He just laid there, tears falling everytime time he blinks.

The stress, the thoughts, the demons crept at the corner of his mind but not to the extent. Enough to make Seokjin feel their presence.

I'm tired. He croaks out.

Jin sighs. He sits up, traiks of tears following down, gravity naturally acting up on them. Before it could hit anything else, Jin wiped them away with the back of his hand. He huffed and sighed, breath almost hitching. But he stayed composed.

He licked his lips and let his bangs fall over his eyes. He stands on his bare feet, the carpet moving. Jin rubbed his eyes, and ince again heaved a sigh.

He sees his reflection from the screen of the television. He sees his body and figure. He could also make out the shadow under his eyes. He lifts his hands to the sides of his head before pressing both index fingers to either side of his cheeks.

With one last touch, his eyes squints, the shadows disappearing, and smiles from ear to ear. He tilts his head slightly before dropping his hands back to his sides.

He nods his head in approval and raises his arm to give himself a small thumbs up.

"You still go it Jin."

—soon

life's shitty. im shitty. this book is shitty. hooray