Trench Fic [✅]

20- Reisdro

Waiting for Josh in his room at home and waiting for Josh in Dema started to feel more and more similar. The guilt levels evened out and the optimism that he will come was almost the same. Tyler had accepted that he needs help at this stage in his life and shouldn't feel bad about it because it only makes things more difficult. The gray walls around him were certainly the same but they felt unfamiliar. Like his presence here was a mistake. Or like this was the last time. He no longer found comfort in the sadness of it all and the subtle feeling like he was back home was gone too. He found himself smiling sometimes when certain thoughts crossed his mind. He was thinking clearly. He was waiting for Josh. Waiting for Josh. Sitting on the windowsill, looking out with completely new intents, with a different outlook on life. the colour and structure of the buildings outside didn't shape his feelings. Waiting for Josh. And that's when it happened. He heard a knock on his door but he already knew he was in no place to answer or reject that, whoever was on the other side was going to open it anyway. And so he did. By now, Tyler knew exactly who it was. Reisdro himself. His posture, even though he was almost as tall as the door frame, was looming over the whole room. They locked eyes but not on a human level. The bishop was something more than him. Tyler wasn't his prey but he certainly felt like it. Tyler slowly changed his sitting position to a less relaxed and arrogant one. YOU KNOW WHY IM HERE. Tyler nodded. He didn't want to but now it wasn't about behaving like himself, it was about survival and doing what's best for him. When you're convinced that every little decision and every small move you make has a huge impact on what will happen, it paralyses you. That's why many people get anxious in social situations and that's why Tyler's body was now completely motionless and his breath shallow. I THINK YOU FORGOT WHY YOU ARE HERE. I THINK YOU FORGOT WHAT THIS IS FOR. He stepped forward making Tyler flinch. Then fell the sharpest silence that ever cut his throat. THIS IS NOT A PRISON. Tyler was afraid to do anything but was also afraid of appearing scared and unresponsive. EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT YOUR ESCAPADES. He gulped. I AM HERE TO REMIND YOU WHAT YOU ARE HERE FOR. And somehow each piece of silence managed to slice Tyler up more and more and made him miss the bishops voice. Speak. Please. But please don't. He wished he was somewhere else. He could barely see Reisdro's eyes and didn't know if he was supposed to but they were piercing through him.

KNEEL.

Now Tyler knew he was already gone. That was the end of him and it was not like he had imagined. He didn't know how it was possible but he felt like he was already dead. Like he had no relationship with Josh or anyone home, like his things are already doomed to be thrown out or passed on, like his songs will never be finished. The cement floor was torturing his knees like the cement stare was torturing his mind.

REPEAT:

I AM UNHOLY

i am unholy.

I DO NOT KNOW GOOD FROM BAD

I do not know good from bad.

I NEED GUIDANCE

i need guidance.

STAY LOW
KEEP REPEATING UNTIL THE SUN SETS COMPLETELY. DO NOT CONSIDER STOPPING THIS ACTIVITY.

The door shut. Tyler was alone. He was shaking. A second of silence that felt like a compromise for crying, just enough to ease his breath and he was back to repeating the phrases, focusing on saying the words clearly and in order, less so on their meaning. Repeating it so many times, not even thinking of keeping track of anything, not even thinking of when this will end, not even thinking of being impatient. He was glad to be safe again. Death to him wasn't half as scary as whatever bishops do to people less submissive than himself. Fear is powerful.
I am unholy.
I do not know good from bad.
I need guidance.
After an hour Tyler was tired.
After two, he felt like he was going crazy. Soon, he felt like he couldn't do this any longer but he could see the room getting darker and darker and the sun would be fully set in less than twenty minutes. Hunger was drilling holes in his stomach and he wasn't depressed enough to accept that. When your stomach has nothing to eat, it starts consuming your mind until it eats it whole and you can't think about anything else than the very sensation. I am unholy. I don not know good from bad. I need guidance. The room was pitch black. His knees were numb but would definitely start hurting as soon as he tries to move. His stomach, his thighs, his back, his dignity. He collapsed to the floor, letting out a defeated grunt. So tired. He wasn't crying but he felt tears rushing to his eyes. No. Not after he was so brave for so long. Not after five years of a clean crying record. Was that even something to be proud of if crying is the healthiest of options? The door opened. Reisdro saw him on the floor, in pain, on the verge of tears. He didn't know there was still a way to make him feel even worse but the bishop just accomplished that. Tyler wanted to eat, sleep on something soft and a big, lasting hug but most of all, he wanted to jump out of his skin and scream and break his bones. He sat up to stuff his face with whatever he had been staring at for the last two and a half hours and it took everything for him to not throw himself on the bed. Waiting for death. Waiting for death. It got colder.