Maid For His Love {mxm}

Maid 11.

But if don't, then I'll go back to where I'm rescuing a stranger, just because they needed saving just like that. Oh, I'm here again between the devil and the danger, but I guess it's just my nature," Save Myself, Ed Sheeran

I didn't know how to feel.

I mean, I did know. I knew that I felt betrayed by someone who didn't even know me. I wanted to turn around and run to him, ask him why did he feel the need to ruin something that had nothing to do with him? Maybe even punch him and kick him but even I knew that someone like me couldn't become that type of person. It didn't matter that he had just burned and destroyed the roots to my future. It just wasn't in me, but for some reason, I wished that it was.

People say when a good thing goes bad, just keep going because it wasn't the end of the world and there were more things to come. I thought it was funny because how could I when my whole entire world relied on that one interview?

I felt pathetic. I felt extremely pathetic as I looked at my shaking heads, seeing tears fly past them and crash against the floor of the greenhouse, I put together why I did. It wasn't that I had just had the end of the world handed to me on a nice china plate. It wasn't that I would have to start all over and do things differently because this world was cruel—people were cruel. It wasn't that I had been reminded of that same pitiable boy who cried in the arms of his mentor because people were always out to get me for no reason.

No.

It wasn't that. 

It should've been, but it wasn't.

It was the mere fact that I, unbeknownst to myself and to him, went home last night after the party and dreamt of that kiss. I dreamt of what would happen after that kiss. I dreamt of how different things would be, what a love we would have. I knew that was too farfetched of me to think about things like that but the sweet romantic in me wanted to hope because I had never had a single relationship in my life. 

So I allowed myself to hope and to dream of concepts that would never turn into a reality with someone like him. I wanted to turn around to go run after him, to ask him to please reconsider, to ask him why he was so hellbent on ruining my life when I had never done anything to him, but my feet were glued to the ground. 

'Why are you so pathetic, Ezra?' That negative part of me took over my mind. 'You're still that same little boy. You never grow up, do you? You wonder why you are never happy. You're always scared of what already happened. You really thought that somebody like Nishan would ever love you?' The voice scoffed mockingly and I shut my eyes, leaning against the wall, pleading with it to stop. 'News flash, even he doesn't think you can reach your dreams.'

This voice was just a subconscious that had manifested during my years of being bullied. Instead of it boosting my morale up, it beat me down until all I could do was sit there and take those punches and kicks because it was what I deserved for being gay. See, the truth about that kind of thing was the fact that your own self could be your own enemy in a time of need. When things like happen, you tend to believe it because there was no one else in your corner, cheering you on so that you made it to the finish line. 

I had wanted to call my mentor so bad and ask her for advice, but she made me promise not to reach out to her until I achieved my dream. She didn't want to see me until she knew that I was completely happy and free of my demons. She didn't want to see me until I became the man she knew I could be.

Not to mention, I could already put together what she would say to me. "Shit happens especially since he's someone of power. Those type of people, son, you got to watch out for. They don't care if you did nothing to them or if they're already much ahead of you. If they can ruin you, then they will." She would click her teeth and turn to me with a smirk on her lips. "Even so, are you gonna let that stop you? Cause like I told you, my dear son," She would reach over to ruffle my hair, enticing a groan from me.