How To Be A HoRRiBle Person ✅ #TheWattys2017

CH.1 - How To Build Your Sex Resume

CH. 1—How To Build Your Sex Resume

18

Blake Finch.

Blake Finch, the inventor of dice shots, was the reason I lost my virginity that night. Well, that's what I told myself. The truth was I wanted to lose it before I turned eighteen. I was a month late, so the least I could do was make it before high school ended.

Oh, don't look at me like that. You were thinking the same thing when you were in high school.

I read in a woman's mag once that there are six types of men you lose your virginity to.

The Six Types Of Guys You Lose Your Virginity Too.

1. FIRST IS THE SLIGHTLY OLDER BOY.

He's a rebel.

This is the guy everyone secretly wants inside them. Others have tried to win his heart, but your different, you know you'll be the one who understands him. He might act like he doesn't care, but it's just because he's complicated and has a hard time showing his true feelings. Or he's afraid because he likes you too much; there's always that.

If you lose your virginity to this guy, Magic Eight Ball says, "Your friends will want to sleep with him, and your parents will hate him, and he will crush you. On the plus side, he will most likely introduce you to some rad bands like Deftones, Metallica, and System of a Down in your short stint together . . . but you will be too crushed to ever listen to them again . . . sorry. Give it a good three years, girl; you'll be rocking out again. I promise.

2. THE REALLY HOT ATHLETE

Pros he's hot. . . . that's pretty much it... he would be a really great start to your sex resume and it's ok that he's an idiot, it really is, because that's obviously the only thing that really matters. Maybe he's just playing dumb . . . boys do that, too, right?

3. Third On Our List Is The Best Friend You Got Drunk With And Then Things Got Awkward.

I don't even really need to explain this one. You've probably been secretly in love with each other forever, maybe you grew up together, and everyone thought you would get married one day. You and your girlfriends gossip about him like,

"No, I can't date him; it would ruin our friendship,"

Or, "Are you kidding!? We're just friends, guys."

Playing coy, you.

Then when something finally does happen, you, of course, regret it, and you're right in the end. You lose the only person you could share the hurt with (your boy bestie) in the process.

4. Fourth Is Of Course The Guy from Another School

He's mysterious, and you didn't go to elementary school with him. What more could you want?

5. The Fifth Boy Is The High School Cliché The Bobby Smith Of High School.

The guy who becomes your boyfriend after you lose your virginity to him on prom night, or in the back of his dad's car, because it seems like the right thing to do, and he's super responsible like that.

You guys will last exactly one week. But Bobby Smith is so vanilla you won't really care. He'll still smile when you run into each other in school. If you're trying to play it safe, Bobby Smith is always a good memory, if nothing more.

6.The Sixth And Final Guy Is The Guy At The Party

Maybe you're out of high school or you've just reached that point beyond when you thought you would lose it, and you're drunk, and he's hot, and you go for it. Maybe it's a mistake. Maybe you wanted it to be more special, and instead you wake up with that ache in your heart, that realization that you really do only get one shot at a first, and maybe you just wasted yours. Or maybe it was a great night that will always be an amazing memory since it can't be messed up by finding out he's a horrible person later.