How To Be A HoRRiBle Person ✅ #TheWattys2017

Ch.3- The Technicalities

Ch. 3- The Technicalities

Shane

5

My moms friends grandson, was the first boy I ever liked, probably because he was the first boy I ever knew. We would pretend we didn't have crushes on each other, while the adults made us hold hands and pose for kisses.

Later during nap time at Nana's house smelling like her boyfriend Bobs cigarette smoke, Shane snuck into my room, we did this all the time, but this time he walked in when I had a pacifier in my mouth, I remember even though I was so young, for some reason being super embarrassed. He crawled into bed with me and said it was okay when I started crying, said he still sucks his thumb sometimes he even showed me, while he handed me the pacifier back, he was nice. We kissed with a wild things book and my pacifier in between us, a tightly pressed five year old lips kiss, more like a mimic of what we did earlier that day I think, but that was the first time I willingly gave someone some part of me. I liked that he was willing to risk embarrassment just because he didn't want me to be embarrassed, and I notice I have a sort of attraction to vulnerability in strong men which is something I carried with me growing up as a main attraction to the opposite sex, something I learned that day with Shane vulnerability and the feeling of being safe. He moved away not long after that, but we kept in touch.

Later I would notice the smell of Bobs Marbolo cigarettes would give me that sense of home feeling, they still do. I don't smoke, It's disgusting, but In high school I used to buy packs and light them just to hold the smell in the air for a second, to feel something oddly comforting. It had nothing to do with Shane. I think it was more that time, or the feeling of that moment, safe and comfortable. I think he was my first best friend, and there was something untouchable about Nanas house, like nothing bad could happened there. I know I'm not the only one that feels that way because Ricky to this day can't sleep without a fan going. Her home was always quiet except the hum of the fans, it felt nice.

Josh

6

I used to have this friend Amanda

Amanda sleep walked which I thought was cool. She was the first person I knew that did it. She was the first person to place any sort of trust in me by letting me babysit her tamagotchi. Spoiler. By doing so It died...it died because of me.

I decided to go to the pool when I was supposed to watch it, I left it in a drawer and didn't remember it was in there until the week she got back, that's where I met Josh. I was six or seven. This was around my mom's amateur summer school thing that she was conducting at her house, she bought stickers, glitter and stuff for all the kids on the block to do crafts, she was very much the neighborhood mom. She made everyone feel special, like they were all her kids.

We were so young I don't really remember much. I don't remember meeting him, I remember he liked me and followed me around. I remember kissing him in the pool showers, or rather opening our mouths and licking each others tongues. Experimenting, trying to figure out why It felt weird, and how it was different with the water running through. Yeah I know what your thinking, but I would like to emphasize "licking each others tongues" it was very innocent and weird.

His sisters put on a fake wedding at his house later that day, after my brother put his foot in a shoe with a bee in it and my mom had to take him home early, this happened alot btw, with my brother and bees, anyways his sisters lended me their shoes and white shirt as a dress, I didn't think it was weird at all to be marrying the boy I just met an hour ago, We had to start the ceremony over three times because I ran down the aisle and kissed him before it was time.

I was nervous and just wanted to skip to the part where we kissed, or smashed our faces together for .1 seconds, but when I finally did get through it and we kissed for real. I pulled away and I realized I didn't like him at all. I think I just wanted to like him. So I never saw him again. It seems dramatic for someone not even seven to be thinking like that, but I was always very self aware of myself, and I didnt like him, I knew then.

Years later we had a Spanish class together, but I think he knew Id deny ever being married to him if he asked. I still didn't like him, and he knew it.

Side story, A little after I killed Amanda's tamagotchi over a boy I didn't like, I convinced Amanda to crawl under the fence that separated her apartment town home from the other complex, and we wandered into an old lady's apartment that was literally filled with birds, it was beautiful and odd and I often wonder If that ever even really happened because it felt like such a dream, but considering I almost got us both kidnapped, after I was already on thin ice with Amanda's mom for just being me, that was the last time I saw Amanda. That's the only reason I know it really happened, because I never saw her again after the birds incident.

At that time I just did anything that would make me happy, I think I just wanted to explore and have everything I could in life, it was kind of beautiful. Then somewhere in the middle of growing up I became more nervous and quiet, more concerned about what other people thought of me, like everyone does, I guess.

By the time I grew up I had completely forgotten those times, with those boys, and even Amanda almost like I just blacked them out. They weren't really real you know?

So when I was 18 I still hadn't kissed a boy, there hadn't been any real boys worth kissing, people were always so surprised when they found out I was a virgin so I would only imagine the reaction to my virgin lips, "but your so pretty!?" which I know was meant as a compliment but always pissed me off, like that's all that went into it, like since guys would be willing to fuck me and make out with me I should just be lining them up, but what about me? What if the guys didn't fit my standards? I kinda felt like I was waiting for a man when I was surrounded by boys, I felt like I was saving it up, like maybe if I waited long enough my first kiss would be the guy I married or something, my first and last kiss, that was romantic right?.

I'm a romantic.

My gay friend Simon

17

When Simon found out I hadn't kissed a guy he was overly ecstatic "Ohh really?" he looked at me turning on his charm, which didn't take much. Simon was very charming and very attractive. Him and Riley made out before he "came out", and every straight girl we met was always in denial of his sexual orientation. "Take this, and don't think about it" he said handing me a shot of tequila before taking my face in his hands and laying it on me. Even though we both knew he wouldn't be my last kiss, he made it fun and sweet, He was a good friend. I was still oddly nervous but he made me feel beautiful in a moment, it was special that way, and took some of the edge off my next first kiss.

Terrence

18

Terrence on my best friends sofa a few weeks before my V card, In a less beautiful way. I was drunk, and I had been crying. It was my first time drinking Malibu. He bought it for me just to try after I told him I never had, which really got me going, because he bought something specifically for me, like the adult version of flowers. He probably just wanted to get me a little drunk, and Malibu is only like ten dollars...but still it was sweet, it was pineapple, it was the first and last time I drank that flavor, not in an over the top way, I just don't have any real desire to have it again after that. It seems respectful almost, like I'm retiring it. Like they do with football players numbers.

Too many memories were associated with it to have a good drunk experience again anyways. It's funny, now that I think about it, they used to call me pineapple in elementary school, my frenemies did it jokingly, They said it was because I was brown on the outside but blonde on the inside. I always had my head in the clouds back then.

I don't miss the flavor.