How To Be A HoRRiBle Person ✅ #TheWattys2017

Ch. 7- Sex

Ch. 7- Sex

Not wanting to open the sex talk door back up with mom, I took my sexual education into my own hands. I had a very sexually curious and porn aware neighbor Kym that would come over and open the porn sites up. Kym was like that friend that gave you permission to be bad. I have a very distinct memory of her doing something that resulted in a man's huge penis enlarged on the screen swinging around, while we just stared and then tried frantically to get off the computer. I think this was the first time I saw a penis that clearly. It was terrifying.

This is back when computers were basic as fuck and firewalls weren't the biggest thing, so it wasn't all Kim. Sometimes I would type in pony's or whatever else interested me in 4th grade and get a pop up of a guy stroking his dick as well. That's just how it was then.

Obviously, porn wasn't the best women's sex education, but I was curious and I didn't know that at the time. In fact it seemed like the best women's sex education at the time, and to be fair later on porn is where I learned how to give a blowjob and how to give myself a g-spot orgamn so I could show guys how to later on in life, so porn has had its place. But at the time, it wasn't the best teacher. It just seemed to me like girls didn't really even enjoy sex, like they just pretended too for the guys, like it was all for the guy actually. It looked like sex didn't stop until the guy finished, and when he was finished the girls would just pretend they were done too, it didnt seem very colaborative, you could tell the women were faking, performing for the men. Me thinking this was "normal sex" was a precurser to me having really shitty sex for a good amount of time I think. I wasn't very communicative about what I wanted, and If I didn't have an orgamn I actually thought it was my fault for taking too long.

We've already covered my mom's world revolving around my dad in just the day to day. So it didn't seem like that much of a jump for me to think that the dudes were the ones that ran shit, and the girls got attention in return. I already had a weird view on love. So it wouldn't be until years and a few partners later that I learned that sex was suppose to be about both people too. That sex was supposed to feel good and not just be a weird little transaction.

Which was a little fucked up for me to have these totally double standards set in my head at such a young age.

Maybe thats why I still love porn where the guy is just going down on a girl or fingering her to orgasm, and it has nothing to do with him having sex with her, Im someone that gets emotionally turned on guys, like getting all up in my feelings is what gets me wet for sure, so I love when he's just turned on that she is turned on, thats the turn on for me not the act, the emotion behind a guy actually wanting to make a girl feel good, seeing how into it he is, nothing sexier. Kind of like how I love when a guy will fuck you on your period, not because I nesissarily want to have sex then, I just love that he will take me in anyway he can, its sexy. Nicki Minaj was the first person I heard in an interview say she demands to orgasmn during sex. I should have heard that a long time ago, and it shouldn't have shocked me. Not having an orgasmn every single time is totally normal but if you are never cumming with your boyfriend, you have to talk about that together.

The guy gets off every time so he has to make sure you do too the majority of the time, if he doesn't want to touch you when he's not hard anymore, or is afraid of your vagina, that's a naw. Its like I saw the female and male pleasure as two separate things at the time which was also an issue. Sex is a colaboration not a science project you work all night on and your partner writes a paragraph for the hour before class.

A great example of how this shaped me is this one time I was having sex in the shower with my boyfriend and idk if you've ever had sex in the shower but it hurt, like really hurt, I wasn't even wet anymore, and we were basically just forcing skin on dry skin, friction. it was at a weird angle but I was trying to force myself to stay in that position until he finished, because I didn't want him to be upset with me. I'm sure if I said something he would have stopped but I realized It was almost worse then, I felt bad when he couldn't finish, like it was my fault. I don't know why I did this with him and am trying harder to admit when I want to stop now but it's more difficult than it should be and I often would find myself just lying beneath him waiting for him to be finished.

I met this Mormon boy once. I didn't know he was mormon at the time. Not that it would have mattered but I prob would have had some early preconceived notions about him, like unconsciously judged him, I'm not perfect.

My cousin is a converted mormon and all the Mormon guys I've met through her have been really nice but low key creepy as fuck. Not really the popular kind of guys, kind of plain and dorky and kinda controlling so that would have been my very naive group biased of all the religious guys.

AJ was not what I expected, he was tall, and cute enough to make me blush and stumble over my words a little when we met, but I guess I was cute enough to do the same and make his hands shake a little, which made me feel good and less nervous. He was funny and just as sarcastic as me, he dressed kind of like a put together stoner, you know like edgy and casual while still smelling clean and nice, instead of like drugs and unwashed clothes. I feel like we really clicked.

A guy like him I had just assumed he had been with tons of girls and even though he wasn't a virgin he was a tall, good looking, funny, handsome dude that had only been with one girl and for whatever reason I couldn't wrap my mind around it. We were 23, I mean guys he was so good looking I realized in the last sentence I used good looking and handsome to describe him in the same sentence. Just so you know what level were on. 6ft tall. Blue Green Eyes.

He lost his virginity to his ex and regreted it, he wasn't sure If he really wanted to wait until marriage but he really wanted to try. He thought it would be worth it, the wait. This melted my mind, and my heart, that this guy I met on tinder would be so open and sensitive without being a bitch. I had never met a guy that wanted to wait until marriage and actually respected that. Besides it getting in the way of my plans to become a born again virgin just so he could take it, All joking aside, I respected that. It made me see things in a different light also, like to know not all guys wanted sex from you was a huge thing for me, and I really needed a cute guy at that time to be into me and not need to fuck me, I really needed that. We talked about how better sex would be for both people when that emotional connection was there. How you can feel that energy and how it would be better to really know your partner before hand that way you can better understand what they want. I know what you guys are thinking too, but this guy wasn't running a game on me, we just got into some innocent deep conversation.

My dad said once that guys only want sex from girls and that they would do or say anything to get it, which is a very dad thing to say to his first daughter, but I learned then that thats not true, not all men are selfish when it comes to sex either, so if you think that, ma you havent been with the right guys, some guys actually want to get to know a girl before, and actually really want to please her in and out of bed, some guys want it to be about both people and that was cool to see.

I notice that I feel bad if my boyfriend wants to have sex and I don't. I'll eventually just do it sometimes because it's easier. And im sure the porn self taught academy didn't help that wave of thinking, im not saying it caused it, but I mean...lets be real, young minds are pliable, but ever since AJ I've been trying harder, you make up your own rules for whats ok and whats normal for you and sex, don't leave shit like that up to the boys.

Me and AJ weren't meant to be, he was cute but I was still doing this cute thing I used to do called push away all the nice boys lol I was a lot back then. I needed to just go on a date with a nice guy at that time though, without it being anything and that's what it was, and I appreciated that.

I read a quote once in this book called Mr.Fox by Helen Oyeyemi that said "I closed my eyes and waited for him to stop, he'll stop when he feels its hurting me, but he didn't stop, he stopped when he was finished" That's exactly what I would do, "he'll stop, he'll stop when he feels its hurting me" but you shouldn't just close your eyes and wait for someone to tell you its ok to stop. Don't do that to yourself. Don't give that power over you to anyone.