How To Be A HoRRiBle Person ✅ #TheWattys2017

Ch.8 - Bloody Noses

Ch.8 - Bloody Noses

My sexual energy has always been very high, I used to get that feeling before I knew what it was, it was annoying like having to cough and holding it back, so I would shift around until it went away, id be like six, my dad looking at me and kind of pushing my shoulder "hey, what are you doing?" "Do you have to pee?"

The first person I even thought about having sex with was my next door neighbor at like 10 1/2, I had a huge crush on Nick and had this fantasy that he would invite me into his house one day when his parents were out and take my virginity. It would be super sweet, obviously and then we would probably get married. I was ten. I'm pretty sure he was 15.

I thought he was so cool, he ordered red bull from the ice cream man and told us what play boy was. I don't know how much older Nick was but I wanna say two or two and a half years. Just hugging the border of too old to like me but it still being acceptable, but he could have been 15 and we were really pushing it. I have no idea now.

As my first real ploy to get him to like me I pretended to not know how to play basketball so he would have to teach me. god, I know...first the mute thing with Ryan then this. I even cried over not knowing. I can't believe I thought that was attractive, He did teach me basketball but he didn't kiss me. So when that failed I switched it up and pretended to actually know how to roller blade, because that was cool and he had a pair without training wheels, I had tricked the neighbor kids into thinking I grew up playing street hockey, and in turn actually grew up playing street hockey with them. I even convinced the neighbors to play street hockey level 2 a game I invented which was when you rub bars of dial soap all over the street and played roller hockey on that. Don't ask me what this has to do with anything because I have no idea. We should have called it scars, not street hockey level two. To make it worse our driveway at the blue house was up a hill, because of this all the boys in the neighborhood would skate down it, We rubbed soap on the curb, and to prove I was a down chick I was going to roller blade down the driveway and skid off the soap, I dont know why on earth I thought this would work. I ended up skidding down our driveway on my knees. This is the first time I got hurt over loving someone. I still have the scars.

I needed a lot of attention back then, I craved it and it painfully showed in almost everything I did.

A little while later me and Nick were playing in his garage, he was messing around with the weights or something, I don't really remember what happened just that I thought he might be flirting with me so I told my friend Kym that Nick was showing off his muscles to me. Mistake number one was that Kym liked Nick too and I didn't fully know that because in my ten year old mind I had already claimed him. So she told Nick and he showed up at my house with her asking if I said that.

I said no, because If she was going to be a cunt about it then I was too, but I'm a terrible terrible liar so my face turned bright red before I slammed the door in their faces, I was smooth that way. I didn't see him for awhile after that. Mistake number two in case you were still wondering was describing Nick with muscles, he had to have been 12 or 13 at the time 15...11 idk. Point being that boys arms were probably filled with play doe.

I used to always get bloody noses, like a lot of them. Years later my dad gave me this book by Louis Hayes called

Heal your body, the mental causes for physical illnesses and the metaphysical way to overcome them.

I thought it was stupid but secretly checked the atlas every time I had recurring symptom because I'm a secret not so secret hypochondriac sometimes.

I used to get nose bleeds all the time when I was younger, always getting bloody noses at random. A guy would be playing basket ball and id be walking by it was like a magnet for my face, bloody nose. This one time two guys were running in the quad and one ran me into post, bam, bloody nose. A week later I wasn't paying attention and hit my face on that same post at lunch, you know the deal.

By the time this girl Amanda(different amanda, not tamagotchi amanda) accidentally kicked me in the face in a swimming pool I was pretty over it. My babysitter was even mad about it, probably sick of holding my face and wasting all her paper towels on me, like it was my fault it happened so often. I started having anxiety about getting them, they were always so bad.

The very last time I did was the worst, we were in a movie theatre and I was wearing my favorite purple turtle neck that was actually my moms, Im pretty sure I matched this up with a red patterned skirt and I probably looked ridiculous, we were still living at the hotel then and it was valentines day. We were going to see Jurassic park, and my dad tricked my mom by telling her we were seeing princess diaries.

"I thought we were seeing princess diaries?"

"Yeeeah, the dinosaur in this one wears a tiara when he eats people, its the same thing hun"

We laughed

Then me and my brother tried to make our faces red by holding our breath.

And then I broke a blood vessel in my nose and ended up using up all the toilet paper in the theatre, which was a lot I lost about a pint of blood, according to my dad, and I mean he wasn't measuring but he's not one to embellish, I was starting to pass out as my dad was carrying me to the hospital then it stopped, later I coughed up a heart shaped blood clot...true story, my dad saved it in a napkin and gave it to my mom for v day, which it happened to be. That was the end of that.

In HS my first basket ball game started the weird chain of basket balls going for my head at every game, but I never got hit something weird always happened to prevent it like this one guy in front of me stood up and blocked it all nija like, other times I saved myself, I think subconsciously I had been so focused for so long on protecting my nose that I was attracting things to my face and fending them off, its like that night I had lost all the blood I needed to for bloody noses in a span of time and the universe was protecting me, I choose my own story, that's the one I like to tell myself.

In the Loiuse Hays book the nose represents self-recognition, bleeds a need for recognition, feeling unrecognized and unnoticed, crying for love. So, Sounds about right.

After months of pestering Nick, playing cops and robbers across the street from his house hoping he would come out and save me from the cops, one weekend when I went to my grandmas Nick next door finally came over looking for me, but my mom forgot to tell me until two weeks after I had come back, because she was in a mini drug coma, it was too late. A garbage man backed into our basket ball hoop after so they didn't even have an excuse to come over anymore. My dad said he would replace it but never got around to it. I think when your an adult you see a 200 dollar expense and aren't really thinking about your 10 year old daughters potential love life being affected. So I never saw him again, I mean I saw him we were next door neighbors, but we never talked again, which is weird, like both of us thought the other might have forgotten we used to be friends so we didn't want to end up looking stupid. That or he didn't care about me at all and I was just super crazy over him for no reason. Placing my bets on the second one.

I can't even begin to tell you how much time I wasted as a kid taking out the trash in my cute clothes or sitting on my driveway where the opening in the hedge was, so that he would see me outside. He was for sure my first hard as fuck crush. I thought I loved him, which Is funny now because I can't remember anything substantial about him besides I thought he was cute and older. My mom said that his dad had caught both his sons running around the house saying how cute I looked but idk if this was just her trying to make me feel better or not because nothing ever came of it.

Me and my friend Hailey thought he had written me a love letter once but It turned out to be a different nick, still I about had a heart attack, before feeling that relief mixed with a new feeling id come to know as heartbreak, oddly enough the heartbreak felt right, the relief was the thing that caught me off guard, I mean why would I be relieved? Didn't I want it to be him? Isn't what all this daydreaming and planning had lead up to. but I realized that I wouldn't know what to do if he had written me, I would be so nervous to mess it up when I got home the longing was almost better, I saw a meme once that said "No one can hurt you if you detach yourself from everything and avoid becoming emotionally invested in anyone" it was meant to be funny but it's true. it doesn't save you though, you just end up being the one that hurts yourself. It may be more predictable that way but it still hurts.