How To Be A HoRRiBle Person ✅ #TheWattys2017

CH.2- Girl

CH. 2-- Girl

The first time I can even remember thinking of the guy in a romantic way was from watching Disney. The idea of a guy saving me seemed so romantic, the beautiful damsel in distress falling in love and having that perfect ending.

Me and Rickie we're watching sleeping beauty in the living room while mom and dad were fighting in the kitchen. Just background noise, nothing concerning. My dad said "Jesus Christ Tracy, look at yourself" and the beast roared, Belle was running through the castle now.

I was watching the movie, when a mouse that lived in the wall of our kitchen appeared. He was all white with one weird eye, He would come out and drink from the leaking water jug every once and awhile. We called him Amos. We called everything Amos though, aye-mose we thought it was like the famous Amos cookies. My parents had this annoying habit of not correcting me or my younger brother when we said words wrong because it was so cute, because of this I still order tore-tillas at Mexican restaurants. The mouse was Amos, the spider in the bathroom was Amos, the rats in the garage were Amos, but this white weird eyed mouse was my favorite of all the Amos's. We would leave things for him to eat and wait for him to get thirsty enough to go to the jug. I rolled onto my back and watched it trying to drink from upside down it looked like it was on the ceiling. My parents stopped arguing then and my dad forced him into a mouse trap or hit him with a hammer I can't remember which. I screamed for him. He died anyways.

My dad realizing he had an audience kind of nervous laughed and tried to reason with me "You guys he's just a rat" but I was furious and crying "He wasn't a rat he was our pet!" My mom still mad at my dad capitalized on the scene, something about my dad being insensitive and murdering an animal in front of his children, she was always one for theatrics. He buried Amos one in a shoebox in a shallow hole in the backyard, next to all the pet hamsters my dog Shelia accidentally killed. We had a funeral for Amos and everything. He thought it was funny when his daughter bossed him around. My dad had a soft spot for me.

He took us to this park by our house me and my younger brother Rickie called the wish things field where we would lay in the grass and wish on dandelions, after we climbed on top of the slides and got fiberglass all over our tiny body's, besides wishing we never did that, I would dream I would secretly find out I'm a princess one day and have someone love me like prince charming loved arora, then I could get that happy ending too. It never really occurred to me that I could or would do anything else, just that if I was good enough a good man would love me and bless me with his presence, it seemed like an ok deal at the time.

I'm not sure what my mom did while we were at the wish things field, maybe she wished, for things to be easier with my dad, maybe she cried, but when we came back home she would be smiling and happy, and my dad would bend down and kiss her on the cheek, while she was doing the dishes and she would make spaghetti or we would order a pizza, maybe some friends would stop by or we would eat outside because we had no AC, and it was hot as fuck. I would sit around without any pants on, because I was a kid and that comfortable with myself and with everybody. it wasn't weird, and it wasn't bad there, we were happy most of the time, or I was at least, I felt safe in that shitty brown house with my parents that sort of loved each other, and my Disney VHS's. I had my whole life ahead of me, I could do anything.

Now that I think about it,

I learned everything about love from Disney and watching my mom and dad, which seems sort of unhealthy to me. Never seeing what real love looks like, and then having this extremely fake ideal to compare it too. So it's no wonder I didn't even really kiss a guy until Terrence when I was eighteen.

There had been a few technical kisses,

but my first was without a doubt Terrence. I don't count kisses before the age of seven or with boys that are only into other boys, if I did there would have been about three technicalities.