Misguided

15. Who have I become

"I just really wanna thank you all for reading and voting this story! I really didn't expect to get this much love from y'all. Now get ready for a sad one."

Days. Weeks. Even months. I think two to three months to be exact but who knows. I can barely keep myself alive. I have drowned myself in work and gripped on to anything that can keep me from thinking about them.
Even eating seems pointless at this point because I don't feel hunger anymore. I just do it out of a habit and so my mother doesn't notice the shell of a human being I have become. I think she can see through me but she's too afraid to ask anything other than "are you okay".
And with all that, my mother has fallen sick again. Worse than ever.  I'm afraid it's because she worries too much about me, but only thing I can do is take care of her and pray.

Everything I enjoyed doing before don't spark the same joy they used to. I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone hurt me this much but how naive of me. The only thing keeping me strong is all the walls I have built up around me. To protect and isolate me from everyone and everything. But I'm strong for not letting any tears run down my cheeks, I'm strong for continuing my life like nothing happened, I'm strong for not letting THEM ruin my life.

I slump down on my bed and lift my heavy legs up. I wouldn't be able to take a step even if I tried. I close my eyes for a bit.
I immediately realize my mistake. The thoughts that keep blaming me from everything that happened. No, not again.
I try to get up but my body doesn't accept my commands. It hurts too much to even lift a finger. I lay still, trying to block every thought and go to sleep. That would be something I need. I haven't really slept in a long time because I wake up to nightmares in the middle of the night that make it impossible to go back to sleep. As a result to that I have started to be afraid of going to sleep.

But now all I could think of is how I'm the only one I can blame for getting in this situation. I let them charm me, use me and left me. I know I shouldn't have been that naive to believe that it was all true. I should be smart enough to realize that when something seems too good to be true, it usually is. But no. I jumped right in and thought it was true love and happily ever after.
Then a small part of me hopes I could be together with Loki. If I just had been pretty enough, good enough for him, it would have all worked out. He truly seemed sorry but how could I trust him after that. I am a little surprised he obeyed me when I said that he has to leave me alone.
Maybe this is all in my head and nothing actually happened. What if I'm just imagining everything? No it can't be. It all happened... but it all feels so fuzzy.
I quickly get out of the bed and try to breathe deeply to calm my heart, but it just kept racing like hell. I'm surprised I got out of the bed. A minute ago it seemed impossible. Maybe I was there longer than I thought. I look outside and it's completely dark.... It's already night. I take a deep calming breath.

I look at the mirror I had covered with a sheet. I haven't been able to look myself in the mirror ever since. At first it was disgust of myself and self-hatred but it had turned in to being afraid to see what kind of person I had become. I have to see.
I close my eyes and slowly pull the sheet away. I'm scared to look but I know I have to. I open my eyes and look directly at my face. I look really tired and lifeless. My cheekbones are popping out of my face. I slowly look down on my body, surprised to see I hadn't lost weight but gained it. Well that isn't actually completely true, my arms and legs looked thinner but my stomach didn't. I place my hands on my stomach. My eyes widen as I feel something. SOMETHING MOVED! It felt like a soft kick? No... No.. NO, this can't be! I can't be pregnant! But it would explain some clothes feeling a little tight and that I'm late.. Oh no, I haven't had my periods since. How couldn't I realize before. Maybe I just scoffed it off as a side effect of stress. I can't hide this from my mother. The panic fills inside me and all I want to do is scream. I gently place my hands around my stomach. I need to tell her.
I walk in the living room in front of my mother laying on the bed. She seems to be asleep but I take her hand in mine and her eyes open slowly. I feel the tears forming but bite my lip to keep it back.
"I think I'm pregnant.."
"Honey-"
Before she continues I break down to cry and fall on my knees, my head lands in her lap.
I tell her everything I had kept back... Everything.

I didn't know I would feel this light from saying all the burden out loud. I was waiting for judgement and torture and all my mother did was understand and listen. I know I shouldn't have blamed myself but this wall I thought kept me strong, also kept me isolated and drowned me in self-hatred.

My crying had transformed into quiet sobs as my mother slowly stroke my hair and told me "everything will be alright". I fall asleep properly for the first time in ages.

My eyes felt heavy as I slowly try to open them. For the first time I felt a bead of happiness. I turn to my mother who was still asleep and hug her tightly. I'm so grateful to have her in my life. My head lays on her chest as I hug her but I feel like something is missing. I pull away to look at her and place my hand on her chest. It took me a second to realize there wasn't a heartbeat. I try to shake her slightly from the shoulders.
"Mother?"
"Mother?!"
"MOM!!"
She didn't move. I try to find a pulse but there wasn't one to be found. I check for breathing but nothing. I feel my eyes fill with tears.
No! Not now when I need you the most! I need your support, you can't leave me!
Resuscitation! I start pushing her chest in strong, even pulses. In a couple of pushes I'm forced to stop by the sound of her ribs breaking. There's nothing I can do... Absolutely nothing.. she's gone.
I break down to cry once again in her lap until strong arms pull me away. I try to fight back and hit my elbows straight into the person behind me. I didn't care who it was. He tried to explain something but nothing got through. No one is going to keep me away from her.
I finally stop and crash on my knees and cover my face with my hands. The grip around me lightens and the person walks in front of me to hug me. I didn't even have to look to know it was Loki. I didn't question it, I didn't question why he was here. I just hug him tightly and cry on his shoulder.