Lovin' E.H

94

Real life
💯Alania

I was sitting in the middle of nowhere having a panic attack. I didn't know where I was or why I was there. I don't know what made me think of running. I just couldn't do it anymore. Jake tried to get me to sign contracts and Diana was all about the sex. All she wants is sex. I know im great but damn.

I had a full bottle of pills next to me and a razor. I never thought I would see those things again. I never thought I would get my razor from under Diana's bed.

I just don't think I can do this anymore. It just hurts so much. My heart hurts. I lost someone else who meant the absolute world to me. Why does this keep happening to me. I'm not even 20 yet.

My phone died as I was texting them so I don't know what time it is. I have no idea of anything. I looked at the letters etched in my skin on my arm.

This is my fault. I just wasn't enough for anyone. I just didn't give them enough. They don't understand and they never will. I have to worry about what other people have to say instead of trying to stay alive.

It is two weeks before Christmas and my dad was supposed to fly out. I guess that can't happen. I never talked to him about Edwin but he knew there was something happening.

It had to be about an hour and a half after my phone died and I just couldn't deal.

"I guess this is it" I said opening the pill bottle. I poured however many I could fit into my hand and cocked my head back. I finished the bottle and tossed it away. Then I heard yells.

"LANI" I heard.

"Alania, please" I heard.

"Babes"

"Baby"

"Guys" I called back.

"She's over here" I heard. I saw flashlights and then I completely blacked out.

I woke up in a hospital room.

"What the hell is wrong with you, you could have died" Liyah said.

"Why would you scare me like that" Zion asked.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think you guys were coming" I said.

"They had to pump your stomach, you are lucky you are still here" Rylah said.

"Don't do that to us ever again" Brandon said.

"Ok, I won't, can I go home now" I asked.

"I'll ask the nurse" Alyssa said. I looked around the room and it looked like they all had been crying. Even Rylah and she doesn't cry. I did this to them, I was only thinking about myself.

"Don't do this to your arm again

"I'm sorry guys. I never once put your feelings into consideration. I didn't want you guys to feel bad for me. I didn't want to bother you with my problems. I'm so sorry" I said.

"It's ok, we understand. you were going through some things" Austin said. I smiled slightly. They came and hugged me.

"We can take you home" Alyssa said. They helped me up and helped me to the car. They drove me home and walked me into the apartment. I sat on thw couch.

"Thank you guys so much, I don't know where I would be without you" I said.

"Dead" Nick said. Everyone looked at him.

"What I'm telling the truth" He said. I laughed. Then there was a knock on my door. I went to open it.

"Edwin" I said.

"Lani what happened" He asked looking at my arms. I put them behind my back.

"Nothing happened" I said.

"Lani I know when you're lying, you bite your lip" He said. I felt myself biting my lip. I stopped immediately.

"There is nothing wrong"

"Please talk to me"

"She said that there was nothing wrong so leave now" Liyah said shutting the door. I kinda wanted to hear what he had to say.

"You need to rest, we will see you guys tomorrow" Rylah said. I nodded. Everyone left. Liyah went into her room and changed.

"I don't want you talking to him again, he hurt you in ways i don't want to speak of" Liyah said coming into my room. I was looking at a polaroid of our first official date.

"I want you to promise me no Edwin" She said.

"I-" I started with tears in my eyes.

"PROMISE ME PLEASE, I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU" She stressed.

"I promise no Edwin" I said. She kissed my head and I let a tear slip. I wish it was that easy. I wish words could fix it all.