Sin For Me (bxb)

Problems

Damian

I stared at wall, not able to fall asleep, but Im sure he already has.

What the hell was I thinking.

I think the problem was that I wasnt thinking. I just did what my body seemed to want so badly. I wanted to be hurt by him. And I dont know why. I dont even know if its him that I want. I would have taken a slap from anyone, but something about making him sin for me was horribly amazing to feel.

If it had been some other person it wouldnt have mattered. But him? Now he has had a taste of what he is missing out on, and I loved being his sample.

I touched my cheek and pressed down, feeling the soreness, and clenched my fist into my sheets. I dont know how long Ive needed this but now that Ive had it I want more. More of him. I wanted him to be mine to control and to influence.

And I know he wants it too. Even if he doesnt know it himself.

~<>~

I dont know when I fell asleep. Thomas was still sleeping, though, so I tried to quietly undress. That is until I stubbed my toe on his fucking desk. I let out a single 'fuck' under my breath and the guy was awake. He held a similar gaze to the one he held last night and I felt myself get excited, waiting in anticipation for him to snap again.

But he didnt. He picked up his day clothes, changed, and left without speaking to me. So I did the same.

And we were like this for weeks, never speaking to each other. He was constantly gone confessing to the preist, which Jack says Im supposed to do as well but I don't have anything to confess, God knows my sins. Weeks and weeks like this. Days of monotonous silence on his end, and false indifference on my own.

But Thomas spent every waking moment either praying in the pews or confessing to the priest. I heard him one night, praying under his breath, asking to be alleviated of desire. I found myself begging the same thing. After so long without it, I had started to get over it.

"Da ya think you oughta start stoodying then mate?" Jack asked when I told him I had never read the entire bible.

"I dunno govna, perhaps we should discuss it ova tea." I mocked, his accent officially becoming the worst thing about him.

Otherwise seemed like a nice guy, a bit sports obsessed if anything. But the accent was comical.

"You do live in a church Damian, eventually you need to learn the scripture." Hanson pressed, giving me a bible with some ware and tear. The edges yellowed, frayed out so they were soft, and the cover was haphazardly bound with a piece of leather that was crumbling in my hands.

"Why dont you guys get new ones?" I asked, gently re-wrapping the cover around the pages.

"We live in poverty to rid ourselves of our desires, and live a Godly life." Adam said. For an 11 yearold, he was pretty good at speaking. Guess that is part of the deal when all of your friends are 5 years older than you.

I furrowed my brows, "Why would God make desire if he is just going to punish us for it?"

"Coz isa trial, we have ta ovacome his trials to be able to get ta Heaven." Jack said, twirling a finger in his black curls.

"So, like, whats the deal with Thomas? How come he's being weird?"

Jack shrugged, "I dunno mate. Somethings bugging 'im though."

"I think I may know." Cyril said. He was another boy here, taller than all of us at 14, and skinny.

"Oh?" I pushed, looking for some answers.

"I sometimes help Father Noah in letter writing, since his hand has gone all stiff and such, and one letter was to Thomas."

I leaned forward along with the others. What was the perfect little choir boy doing sending letters to a guy right down the hall?

"All I know is that he's dealing with... problems." He said, crossing his lanky arms.

"Thas real specific mate." Jack complained.

"Well the letter said that he just needed to bathe in cold water when ever his 'problem' happened. Didnt specify what that 'problem' was, Jack." Cyril rebuked.

I knew immediately what his 'problem' was, but the other boys looked clueless.

"Wonda what it could possibly be." Jack said.

I laughed incredulously, "Are you guys even men? The guy got a visit from ol' stiff woody woodster." I continued my laugh.

"Wot mate?" Jack asked.

"Are you serious?" I asked again, "You guys don't know what an erection is?"

"Oh... oh my." His cheeks when as red as mine do. Same with the others, obviously not used to crassness like mine. I don't care to limit my speech around them, they wouldn't rat me out because they're kind of in awe of my obvious badassery. I would be too, Im amazing.

"Is that like... when the thing gets stiff?" Hanson asked me. Great, no one thought to tell these boys about sex. Thanks catholicism, very cool.

"Yeah. Usually when your aroused, but it can happen randomly too."

The boys looked half disgusted, half intrigued.

They asked me dick questions for hours, 'why do I wake up all sticky?', 'why does it feel weird when I touch it?'

Love that Im now sex ed at this place, thats totally the impression I wanted to make on these boys. Absolutely over fucking joyed. Love talking about pre-come to 13 year olds. Been on my bucket list for fucking years.

After a while we finally got back to the real important topic at hand, Thomas is dealing with that 'problem' and I wondered what the reason was.

Or who was causing it.

My ego wanted to say I may have caused it, but it was probably more likely he saw one of the younger nuns changing, like sister Marsha, who was in her late teens, and that nun outfit doesn't get rid of her curves. Plus her face is soft and kind, along with her voice. Hell, if Id understand why a strait guy would get an hard on thinking of her.

"I dunno, he's known Marsha since she was a kid too, they're childhood friends, no way he likes her—"

And as he spoke, Thomas walked in. Sauntering to the couch, "I see that I am being talked about."

We all stayed silent, embarrassed.

" 'For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder.' Corinthians, 12:20" He said in a monotone, automatic voice. I wouldnt be surprised if he had the entire bible memorized.

"Sorry Thomas, we were just wondering why you have been so withdrawn." Cyril apologized.

"Its my business what I do in my free time, and if you were so curious you could have asked. I would never lie to you." He continued.

I narrowed my eyes, feeling the silence of the room get heavy.

"So... then tell us whats been happening." Calling his bluff. He wouldnt tell us if a gun was pressed to his head.

"I have been having some medical problems." He said. Guess it isnt a total lie. I decided not to push it any further until I got him alone to tease him.

I smirked at him for the rest of the day, every once in a while he would look at me, staring idly at him with my half smile, and raise a brow.

Finally as the bible study ended, we all went to our appointed rooms.

Thomas went to go to bed but I cornered him, "So you've been having medical problems? What, do you have some sort of illness?"

He tried to push past me, but I pushed him back, not letting him worm himself out of this one.

Maybe now I can get some answers as to why he stopped talking to me.