Sin For Me (bxb)

Exploration~

Thomas

"And what is that?" He said.

I gripped the cool stone around the basin, steadying myself.

"I want you to tell me what having sex is like." I told him.

His eyes went wide and he held in a laugh. "You... want me... ok then I guess." He crossed his arms, "but you mind if we do it after the church lessons."

I watched him giggle and gave a slight grimace. We dried off and turned down the hallway, entering the extravagant church hall. The newly cleaned stained glass art sparkled with the setting sunlight.

We sat with Father Noah, speaking about the way we should act around others, and how to be kind. He gave us our nightly readings and sent us off.

"Its pertinent to remember, kindness comes not from words, but from action."

Damian and the other boys left the room, leaving me and Father Noah to speak.

"I have to confess father." I told him.

He screwed up his face making his wrinkles appear deeper. His eyes were kind though, sympathetic.

"Yes, son?" He said with the deep cracked voice of an ex-cigar smoker.

"I would have sinned today if not for Damians level headedness, I threw myself upon him like in hopes that he would take me father." I confessed, clenching my fists.

"Thank you for your honesty Tom, but I must ask, why didnt Damian? He is a self proclaimed sodomite." He responded, rubbing his aching knuckles that had written more sermons than I could count, and worked more days than I will see. I took his hand gently, and he squeezed mine.

"He told me he couldn't fix me unless he committed sins, though he said it with much more crassness than I dare repeat. Even though I practically begged him, he pushed me away and said I would regret it later." I explained.

He grabbed a bottle of cheap italian wine and poured himself a small glass into a cup. He made one for me as well, giving me one of the few glass cups we had. I didnt drink though, instead stared at my reflection on the surface of the purple-red liquid.

"You are a boy of many words Tom, but I understand your problem. What do you think you should do."

"I told him to tell me what it is like, the act itself, so perhaps I could realize it isnt everything its made out to be."

Father Noah nodded along with my words. "Thats quite a plan Tommy, but I must warn you, the act is as good as many people say it is. If it wasnt, it wouldnt tempt us like it does."

"But it cant be... people describe as though its greater than anything. They even profess it to be 'like heaven.' Nothing can be so good, can it father?"

He took a long sip from his glass, thinking as he did so. Than sighed, "Thomas, I became a celibate to become a Priest, I ridded myself of all desire, of all chances to fall to temptation, but its is the hardest trial of them all. Sex, my boy, is not like Heaven, you're right. None of us know what Heaven is like. But it is as close as you can get."

I stared at the wall, "Why must we be tested so harshly father."

He put a hand on my shoulder, "I have a secret to tell you son, but you must not share it, and you must not abuse it later."

I faced him and waited for his words, a tip, a key to staying without sin.

"Sin now, and pray for forgiveness each day as night falls." He told me, "For everyone sins, you must make up for it in what you do right."