From Dusk to Love

ch.25 I'm in love

Janie's pov. :

        I've been crying for seemed like forever. I felt horrible about what happened. It was my fault. I did cheat on Tony. He thinks I did something much worst and won't even get to explain to him that what he thinks happened between Nick and I never happened. I did fall back for Tony again. He made me happy again. He filled that whole Jake snatched out of my heart. it never really felt completely full but it was better than remember that Jake was no longer there.

        Nick just had to ruin this for me. He had to say what he said. He had to be......Nick.

        Of all things he had to break and it just so happened to be two things at once. Tony and my heart. I'm devistated. I actually felt some sense of love. I only told Tony once I loved him and now I've told him in the want to keep him. I begged for him and he let me go. The look on his face was full of discust. I sometimes wonder ,when I remember that face, did he truly love me?

         I can't be positive anymore. He told me more than a thousand times and I felt more inclined to return it ever time. I didn't deserve him. I didn't.

        My sobs grew harsher. I want more tears to roll down my hot face and possibly cool it but I felt like I was out of tears. My mom and Jackie came in earlier in a panic. I explained to them that Tony broke up with me. I always went on and on about the places we visited and how he made me feel. He cared about my happiness and they knew that.

        I couldn't stop my crying and constant uncontrollable grieving screams. They would come out of no where but I could feel them build up in my lungs like fire. My voice grew horse and my screams became quiet howls.

        I looked through my phone at all of our pictures and photos we took at photo booths and drawings we had done for us. He liked having photos of me. He adored me and admitted that.

        I couldn't take the pain and agony of me losing him so quickly. I felt alone. No one was here for me and it felt odd. The reason why I stopped crying and remembering my pain was now the reason why i felt pain again. I told Nick I hated him. He would take that to heart. Poor Nick. But on the other hand, he fought and talked tony into leaving me for good.

        I could only imagine Tony now, packing up to leave to Hawaii. He was wanting to bring me with him. He was offered a full time job there and was going to be payed enough to own his own island. He was going to what for me for as long as it took because he could leave here anytime he wanted to but when he leaves he's gone for good.

        He might not even hesitate to think about me. He's better off without me. I would only hold him down. He was right I'm not the same Janie anymore. I've changed..... a lot.

        I couldn't eat and my stomach ached as I sobbed. I felt so weak and wanted to stay in my room and die. I couldn't go on like this. I wasn't wanted anymore. No one loved me and I am cursed. I can't love nor be loved. I'm hopeless.

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        It's been days of the same thing. Wake up, wash up, lay down, and watch Glee re-runs until i got tired. I would occasionally get up to get something to eat but sometimes my mom would check up on me with some of my favorite foods. Chicken noodle soup, ravioli, pizza, Burger King, tacos, cup cakes, cookies but mainly lots of ice cream. I like mint chocolate chip, cookie dough, and strawberry swirl with vanilla.

        She knew I needed that. She kept a lot of our conversations off of Tony or anything that could lead to boys. She knew how to cheer me up but as soon as she left everything sunk back in like she never came and I would soon lose my apatite.