shattered

chapter 6

I draw in a gulp of air. Leaning back from his hands, these sparks are distracting.

"Um... O-Okay. Well. I had an older sister."

"Had?"

"Uh... yeah. Had. She passed away when I was nine years old. Meningitis." My hands are rubbing along my thighs, I don't know if this is a good idea. Trust. Trust him. You can do it. He's not a bad person. He wont judge you. Trust.

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"It's okay. Unfortunately we can't turn back time, and change the past." My eyes drop to the ground and I shuffle my feet along the stones so they rub together.

"Um. So. Um. We were the best of friends. We spent all day together, playing, having fun, you know... kid stuff." My shoulder pulls up as I shrug. "And then one day she just... got sick. We thought it was just a cold. But it wasn't. And... then. Yeah."

His hand touches my shoulder. "You don't have to tell me about this if it makes you uncomfortable."

I look up into his eyes. I can see sympathy in them. At least it's not pity.

"You need to know this though. This is when it all started."

"Okay. Just when you're ready."

I let out a sigh. "Jiah died. She left me. Left me with our parents who couldn't care for me or help me with my grief because their own was so overwhelming. My mother didn't leave her bed for about 4 months; and my father was always at work, then when he wasn't at work he was drinking."

"I was nine. I had to do everything myself. I had to cook. I had to clean. I had to get groceries. I had to go to school. Do you know I had to go back to school the day after the funeral was over. My sister died, and they pretended it didn't affect me at all. I had to be the grown up, but it wasn't good enough. Nothing I ever did was good enough. Why wasn't I good enough?"

My voice cracks on the last question. I still don't know the answer. Why wasn't I enough for them? Why wasn't I good enough?

"After 4 months, mother started getting up, going to the doctors and getting help. She started getting better, but not for me. Nothing got better for me. I still had to be the grown up for me. I wasn't allowed to cry. I wasn't allowed to bring up her name. I wasn't allowed to feel my grief. I hated them all for it." My eyes flicker to his. Expecting to see judgement. But there's none. I don't know what I'm looking at, but I'm not the bad person in his eyes.

"I was expected to be perfect. God help me if I got dirty playing sports; and if I didn't ace every test..." I changed my voice so it rings deeper "Stay up all night! Until you get it right!"

"That's what I lived with. I lived with the ghost of my perfect sister. I guess you can't do anything wrong when you're not there to fuck it all up." A sour laugh escapes from me.

I know I shouldn't hate her for leaving. It wasn't her choice, but she left me. My family was broken, and I had lost everything that was normal.

"Everything they had planned for her was thrust upon me. I had to step into the role they wanted for her; but I couldn't. I wasn't good enough. Even when I aced the tests. It wasn't good enough. I should have done more for extra credit."

"I was so broken, I started hurting myself. Just... just." A sigh escapes me. "I just needed to get the pain out you know? Like it was consuming me all the time and I couldn't get it out... and then one day I fell, and got cut," I absently rub at a light mark on my arm. "And it didn't hurt as much. Inside. It was like... like the pain was dulled. It wasn't gone, but it wasn't consuming me either. I finally got to sleep that night; but..."

"The pain came back. It consumed me again. It felt like my blood was boiling, like it couldn't stay still because of the hurt that was hidden inside me."

"So I hurt myself on purpose; and it was heaven. I could escape my feelings. Until I got caught."

"I was stupid, and I got caught. I was sent for a mental health check, and they told my parents. God. That was the worst moment of my life up until then." A shudder runs through my body as I think back to the moment I got busted.

"They brought me home, and they tore me to shreds. I wasn't good enough. How could I even think of cutting myself. My sister wouldn't have tried anything like that. Why couldn't I be like my sister. All the damned time."

"Although we were siblings, my parents made it clear my sister was the preferred sibling. She was beautiful. She was smart. She was clever and talented. I was the runner up. In every aspect. She might have been my sister, but I hated being compared to her. It felt like they wished I was the one who died. I wished I was the one who died."

"Then, one day, I got angry. Really angry. They were comparing me to her again; and I had had enough. I screamed at them that she wasn't perfect, she had flaws."

I squeeze my eyes shut. Wishing it would change the past. That I wouldn't have this memory in my head anymore. That I wouldn't feel like my heart was being ripped out and torn to shreds every single fucking time it terrorised me. You would think after this long, it wouldn't hurt me anymore. But every time. Every. Single. Time, it's like it's happening for the first time again. That they are both standing there. Both reaching into my soul and destroying me.

"My mother lost it. Completely. Lost. It. Told me it was my fault my sister died. Because I had been sick with a cold a couple weeks before, and that's why they didn't catch on to it being meningitis earlier. That if I wasn't around, my sister would never have gotten sick. That they wished I was the one who died. Not her."

I can feel the tears running down my cheeks now. I can feel myself shattering again. I had only just pieced myself back together.

"Yeah. I-I thought they thought like that, but hearing it... Hearing that I wasn't good enough? It destroyed me. I walked out that night. I walked out and went to my best friends house; and I told him that I loved him... and... he... he."
I take in a shuddering breath.

"He didn't love me. He told me that he could never be with me, because he had always been in love with my sister, and he couldn't think of me like that."
I can feel his eyes on me. He probably thinks I'm the most pathetic person in existence. Maybe I am. Maybe I need to suck it up and be perfect; but fucked if I know how to actually be perfect. I've been failing at that for so long.

"And that's when I lost it. I walked out of his place. Well, ran actually. I don't even know if he tried to follow. Doesn't matter, I wouldn't have let him near me; and he hasn't tried to contact me at all."

"I wandered around the streets for a long while. I think it was like 4 a.m.? I dunno, some ungodly hour; but I was walking and I found some broken glass."