shattered

chapter 18

It's been a week and I'm still numb. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be around anyone. I just... just... don't want to be here.

Everyone keeps trying to talk to me. I just want them to leave me alone. Why can't they leave me alone?

Theres so much pain bubbling up inside me. And I need to get it out. It's trapped, and it hurts. Everything hurts so God damned much. But I can't do anything. The staff have been watching me like hawks as well.

I think someone told them something. But I can't even really bring myself to care about that.

I'm still encased in the glass coating. It's protecting me at the moment. But waves of emotions are starting to crash up against it. I can feel them trying to get to me.

I'm going to be in trouble when it cracks. I don't want it to crack. I don't want to feel anything.

I just want to sleep.

I'm so tired all the time. I'm not hungry at all. And I know I'm losing weight... but again, I don't care enough to do anything about it.

I'm just so... exhausted.

Of everyone and everything. I'm just done.

Sera nudges me. She's been trying to get me to talk all week. But I don't want to.

I have seen her and Yoongi talking as well. He will do well with her. She's lovely. And so much better for him that I ever could be.

The tinkling sounds for therapy. I drag my body from the chair, and listlessly walk to our room.

I'm the last person in. And I don't even care.

"...Partner up again please. Today you're going to talk about what you were like before."

Usually I would be questioning what she means before. Before what? Before I became depressed? Before everything changed?

But I don't care. I know I don't care. It's scaring even me with how much I don't care.

Yoongi is taking my arm, and dragging me from the room. But I don't want to go out to the garden. I haven't been out there since...

I pull my arm back, and when he looks at me I shake my head. "Not the garden. Please." The words tumble out of my mouth in a broken whisper.

He nods at me in understanding, grabs my hand again and changes direction. Heading up the stairs.

We climb up and up. He's going up levels like it's nothing. But I'm exhausted. How many floors does this place have?

Finally we hit the top. He pushes the door open to the rooftop. He takes me off to the side, out of the sun.

We sit down on the concrete. He looks at me, and I look at anything but him. I can't meet his eyes. He seems to be able to pull out everything I want to keep hidden.

His thumb runs along the back of my hand. The gesture so soothing, soft and kind. I can feel my protective barrier starting to break.

He keeps the motion going over and over. I slowly feel my body start to relax. I didn't even know it was so tight.

He doesn't say a word. Just sits there, next to me. Waiting for me to be comfortable.

"I guess... we should do this assignment." I nod my head in agreement. We probably should.
"Do you wanna go first... or?"
I nod my head again. I will go first.

"Before. Um..." I try to think back. Before depression. Or before Jiah died. Hmmm. I think it needs to be before Jiah died.

"Um, before Jiah... died. Right." My voice cracks on her name. Everything about her name brings me pain. But I have to do this. So think ______. What was it like? What was I like?

His hand stops its movement as he links our fingers together. I look over at him. His eyes are focused on our entwined fingers.

He's giving me space, and letting me know he's still there all with those small actions.

"I think..." I start "I think we were happy. I don't remember any fights. I remember going on family holidays. I remember loving my sister and my parents. Everyone was happy."

"Since Jiah was older than me, she started school first. So when it was time for me to start, I was so excited. Because I would be able to see her during the day again. We could have lunch together. We could play together." My hand squeezes slightly against his.

"I know I said that after she died I resented her. And I did." I resented her for so much. I put all the blame for everything I went through onto her. And she wasn't there to defend herself. "But before she died, she was my big sister. She made mistakes and fixed them. She teased me for being little. She let me follow her and her friends around. Even though I was that annoying little sibling they probably didn't want near them"

"She included me in everything she did. She was my idol. I wanted to be just like her." I look down, ashamed of myself. Ashamed of how I have let my favourite person down. Ashamed I couldn't remember all the good things about her.
"I learned piano with her, and when she started violin, I wanted to learn that as well." Tears start to slowly leak as I think of all the time we had spent together. All the things I did with her. All the love she gave me. 

"Our parents called us their little muso's.  They were proud that the two of us loved music. We would put on performances for them every week. Our parents used to video us together all the time...  I don't know what happened to the videos though..." I try to remember the last time I saw them... but I don't know.  

"We were happy. I was happy. I used to smile and laugh. I used to sing and dance. I used to love exploring and getting dirty. I wanted to go out and conquer the world."

"Jiah made me believe that I could do all of that. I could be a pirate. A princess. A vet. A movie star." She was my big sister.