shattered

chapter 20

I'm restless tonight. Sleep doesn't want to come. I have been staring at the ceiling for hours. Counted sheep. Breathed deeply with my eyes shut.

But my brain wont stop. It wont shut up.

I can't stop thinking about what Yoongi said. I can't stop thinking about Jiah. Thoughts swirl around in my head, bashing up against the sides of my brain.

I want it to stop. Why doesn't it stop?

My hands are gripping the sheets. I need release.

Something.

Words bubble up, they need to be spoken, they need to be vocalized.

I whisper the words, letting them out. But it doesn't release me from their grip. My fingers twitch, like they are trying to play the tune that repeats in me.

I stare up at the ceiling, wanting the relief of sleep to consume me. Knowing all to well that I can't escape the solitude of insomnia tonight. Everyone else's soft snores can be heard throughout the area. Even with the door shut I can hear them. Normally the sound lulls me into the abyss... but tonight. Well...

I let my anger get the best of me. I yelled at Yoongi for nothing more than trying to tell me I am worth my life. I wanted to believe him so much. But how can I?

How can I believe one person, when everyone else has been telling me otherwise?

How can I believe that Jiah wouldn't be disappointed in me, when she's not even here to form an opinion?

How could he tell me what my sister would think? He didn't know her.

Round and round the thoughts swirl in my head. And with those thoughts up bubble words.

Every time I have tried to escape,
The shadows hold me tighter, closer
They shroud me in their cold embrace

Someone must love me.
Someone must care.
Save me, save me.
Someone save me from my greatest enemy.

The words swirl around and around in my mind. Slowly and surely pushing out all other thoughts. Consuming everything in me. They bubble up in me. Demanding release. Demanding I voice them into the world.

My fingers keep tapping out a rhythm only I can hear. My heart plays that stattico beat of drums.

The compulsion to play, to sing is slowly eating away at me.

The words desperately need to come out.

Faster and faster my fingers move. Faster and faster the thoughts swirl in my mind.

My feet start to tap out a beat. Hitting nothing but the blankets at my feet.

Swish, twitch... my body keeps moving.

A sigh heaves out my body as I start to mouth the words in my mind.

My body is yearning for release. It wont let the insomnia leave until I find some way to release the thoughts swirling in me.

My feet silently hit the floor, scuffing along until the find slippers. I swing my body upright.

I quietly leave the room, sneaking throughout the quiet area until I come to the room I'm after. The hallways are dim, little light shining out as people are sleeping. I stand in front of the door, it will probably be locked, but I still have to try. I have to try to get in here, this is the only room where I will find any relief.

My hand slowly reaches out for the handle. I'm near the room I need to be in, but I'm also near the room that terrifies me. I don't know what memories will wash over me tonight, I don't know what I will remember, what I will think, what I will do. And that thought alone is enough to stay my hand.