shattered

chapter 12

Sera and I are sitting outside. She wants to know what Yoongi told me during our chat; but I can't, they aren't my secrets to tell. If he wanted her to know what they are, then he can tell her.

"______, come on! I wont tell anyone."

"It's not my place to say anything, if he wants people to know, then he will tell them."

"But why? Why wont you tell me?"

Why doesn't she understand? I might be privy to his story, but that doesn't give me the right to tell it to anyone else. If she keeps going on like this, I will leave.

I love the girl, but I can't betray him. He's already surrounded by fake people giving him fake love; and then when he's not looking they tear him to shreds. They make claims about him. His personality. His actions. His music. His words.

They warp everything to suit themselves. They try to shove him into the box they think he belongs in, and he doesn't belong in any box.

"Because. He already has enough people judging him. He already has enough people making and giving opinions about him, without knowing who he really is."

"Oh... Yeah. I guess you're right. He is super famous. Do you think you could get lots of money if you sold his story?"

I look at her in disbelief. Did... did those words actually just come out of her mouth?

She laughs. "Joking! Joking! I wouldn't actually ever do that!"

"Sera, how would you feel if someone joked about selling your story?"

Her face crumples as she thinks about that possibility. I know none of us in here would want to be betrayed like that.

I also know she wouldn't actually do it. She doesn't have a bad bone in her body; but sometimes she doesn't actually think before she speaks.

And sometimes people overhear, and they start making up their own stories about what happened, what was said, what was done.

"Are your parents coming for family day?"

I throw the question out. I need to change the subject, she's starting to withdraw into herself. I can tell, and when she starts that, she stops eating. I want her to keep eating. I want her to stay healthy. She's so pretty and nice and kind.

I don't want her to go backwards.

As ditzy as she can be. I want her to be happy. I want her to be healthy.

I want for both of us to get out of here, get a flat together and rock this world. I want us to conquer our demons. I want us to find love. I want us to go to parties and concerts. Travel the world.

I want us to live.

"Yes, yes they are, and I'm so excited for them to come! I've been missing them like crazy! Hopefully they bring my little sister. I've missed her face the most. They haven't let her come along before, they said that it wasn't good for her to see me like this. Which I understand, but I'm so much healthier now, so I'm hoping that they will start bringing her along."

Her face lights up when she speaks about her family. It must be nice to have people that actually care about you and want the best for you. I can't say the same for my parents. They have never wanted me. I'm just not good enough for them. I wish I was good enough for anyone. I have met Sera's parents before, they are lovely, and they want the best for their daughter. They tried to include me in their plans, but I felt awkward. Like I was invading on their time with their daughter. So I made some kind of excuse to get out of it. I'm not good enough to be included in their time with their daughter, I know that they don't get enough as is. They have to travel quite a distance to come see her, so I can't take any of that time away from them.

I listen to her talk about how excited she is. I can see it in every word and movement she makes. I wish I had something to be that excited about. Maybe one day I will get to have a family like that. A family that loves me and wants the absolute best for me. That would be absolute heaven to me. Someone to come home to, to hold in my arms.

"What about your family? Is anyone coming this time?" her question pulls me out of my thoughts.

Would anyone show up? Would my mother or father show up willingly? I can't see it happening, I can't see them wanting to "waste their time" on the daughter they don't want.

"Um, I doubt it. They don't like coming to these types of things." I say with a shake of my head.

"They really wont come?"

"Well... they haven't before, so I can't see this time being any different." I shrug.

"Don't they miss you?" Her eyes are on me.

I don't even know what to say to that. Do they miss me? I'm not sure, all I've ever been is a nuisance to them, so I don't think they are missing me. I wished they missed me. I wish someone missed me. Why doesn't anyone miss me? It's like I've been wiped from their lives. I don't exist for them anymore.

I lower my head, my feet scuffing along the stones. I don't want to talk about my parents, I don't want to be reminded that they don't love me, they don't want me.

"I'm gonna go in. You coming?" I don't want to be out here anymore. I just want to go... away. Away from here. Away from everything; but that can't happen. So I guess, I'll just go inside again.

We start to walk back to our section of the hospital. We're both kind of quiet and awkward. Like we don't know what to say. What to do to make things normal again.

"So... Yoongi?"

"Subtle change of subject there, almost didn't notice it." I say with a laugh. "What about him?"

"Do you like him? I mean he's so cute, and he's famous, and it looks like he might like you. I mean, he actually talks to you. He doesn't seem to talk to anyone else."

"Uh. I don't know... and of course he talks to me. He has to, make our sessions kinda difficult if he didn't talk to me." I let out a small chuckle at the prospect.

"Oh, are you still stuck doing those partner sessions? Is your Counsellor lazy or something? It seems like a bit of a cop-out making you guys just go and talk about shit, instead of... you know, counselling."

I let out a laugh. "You're not wrong, but then, it's also nice that I don't have to talk to fifteen people I don't like. Fifteen people who think my reasons for being the way I am, aren't as good as theirs. He doesn't judge me, and I like that."

"Ah. So you do like him."

"I don't know him well enough to know if I like him."

"What do you mean, he talks to you heaps!"

"I know what people write about him. I know what peoples opinions of him are. I know some of his past. But that doesn't mean I know him. There's not just the public figure. There's a private guy in there... so really, I don't know. I just... don't know."