shattered

chapter 19

"When I started school. I was so excited. But I was also really shy when Jiah wasn't there. She was more outgoing than I was. People wanted to be her friend."

"And I was so happy she was my sister. She forged the paths for me to walk. She showed me how to live, how to love, how to be compassionate. She showed me how to make friends."

I place my hand on my aching heart. I had forgotten all the things I loved about her. Because I was so caught up in all the things that went wrong. But it wasn't her fault. Jiah didn't want to leave me.

"She came out at playtime, with her friends, and organized a game of tag with all us younger kids. She stood proudly in front of everyone and told them I was her little sister, so they should be nice to me." A small smile creeps across my face as I remember her words. "By the end of break, the whole class was playing together. I had made 5 new best friends. And I was smiling from ear to ear."

"She was my idol. I always wanted to be like her. I wanted her to be proud of me. I don't know if I have made her proud though..." My shoulders shrug on their own. "Maybe... maybe my parents were right. Maybe I shouldn't have been been the child to live." A frown furrows my brow as I think about that.

I wanted to be everything she was. I wanted to be the light for people like she was. I wanted so damned much for her to still be here.

"I... I... I want to be good enough. But I'm not. I'm not good enough. I'm not talented enough. How could I tell anyone she was my sister when... when I haven't done a damn thing for her to be proud of?"

I want to change the past. But... I can't.

"I'm a failure." I whisper to the ground. "I'm a failure. I'm not a good enough daughter. If I was then... then, my parents would want me. I'm not a good enough friend. Because, they all leave me in the end. They all turn their backs on me."

"She was everything. To everyone. She was the light. She made people laugh and smile. And... and I'm not. I don't lift people up. I drag them down. I drag them down into my hell. Until they can't take it anymore and they leave."

I don't know what else to tell him about anything. I... I... what else is there?

I look up at Yoongi, he's staring intently at the ground infront of him.

"What makes you think she wouldn't be proud of you?" His eyes raise to mine as he asks the question. "______, you're beautiful. You're funny. You're kind. You're too hard on yourself. You don't need to be perfect, you just need to be real."

I keep my eyes on him. Trying to find the lies in his words. He... he thinks I'm beautiful? Is he blind or something? I'm not beautiful. I'm not funny.

Hard on myself? Maybe if I was hard on myself I wouldn't be the mess that I am. Maybe if I was harder on myself I would have been able to live up to everyones expectations of me. Maybe if I was harder on myself I wouldn't be such a failure at living.

"But..." I start

"No. No buts. You don't see what everyone else see's. You don't know how many people you have dragged out of dark holes just by existing."

I cock my head to the side as I look at him.

"I don't drag people out of the darkness. I am the darkness. I ruin everything. I ruin it all until they leave."

My existence doesnt affect anyone. And if it does... I can't imagine it being in a good way. I want to believe his words... But. But, the demons, the demons in my mind wont allow it. They whisper in my head that he is lying.

Everyone is lying. My parents were right. I shouldn't be alive, death took the wrong child.

He tries to capture my eyes. He tries to show his feelings. But... it's lies. He can't care about me. No one cares about me. No one wants me. All I do is ruin everything.