love, rosie | ✓

THE WORDS THEY DON'T UTTER

Rosie was in love.

She knew she was for a long time now.

Two years later and she was still deeply fucking in love with her. Her — the one who broke her heart numerous times without even really knowing that she did; her — the one who knew how to calm her down when it hurt too much; her — the one she never really had the courage to make hers; her — the girl whose name was Jisoo.

All this time she loved her.

They were in a room full of fucking people and, shit, all she seen was her.

"Roseanne!"

God she wasn't even hearing Niki's loud voice because she was too focused on Jisoo, who was taking a body shot from some tall girl who was probably in one of her classes.

"Fucking shit, Rosé"

A trance, what Rosie had always been in once her eyes landed on Jisoo.

Then they met each other's gazes. Jisoo smiled. Rosie's heart crumbled. That was how it usually go.

An endless cycle.

Riddled with fear, Rosie was never going to dare break that cycle, doing something about it potentially meant that the last mean of getting close to loving Jisoo as much as she can would not be there anymore.

Rosie can't afford that.

She loved Jisoo from afar, she loved Jisoo with her mouth shut, she loved Jisoo and that was enough.

And this was it. The last night. Or the 'probably' last night.

Jisoo was yet to make a decision.

"Are you really never going to tell her how you feel about her?" There, Niki finally got Rosie's attention.

"It is not that easy," Rosie huffed as she pushed her hair away. "I don't know what to do if she reacts so badly, what if she rejects me and then she chooses to stay with us, I'm going to live with the girl I love who I can never have for the next four years of my life." She tucked her lower lip in between her lips as she continued to think about it.

"You are scared, you shouldn't be—" Niki shook her head, "—you don't wait for something to come to you, you go get it, Rosie."

The thing was Roseanne wasn't like Jennie, who had an erratic surge of courage washed over her to win Lisa over, (and goodness now they were always entangled with each other; it was difficult to see them apart lately).

The music continued to blare and Rosie needed a break.

"Just think about it Rosie, living a life full of regret is not really better in comparision to living a life knowing you fucking tried." Niki sighed and soon disappeared as she was called by her own boyfriend.

Now Rosie was left alone, Jisoo was nowhere in her peripheral; it was now time to let loose and stop thinking.

It was really hard to breathe when someone just blew smoke — she was not sure if it was cannabis or tobacco — she coughed and swatted the smoke away.

"Arsehole," She gritted her teeth together and continued to maneuver her way towards the kitchen, where the drinks usually were.

She tried to make her own poison and in the midst of it, suddenly a set of arms snaked their way along her middle, Rosie stiffened until she caught the familiar whiff of her. The girl. Jisoo Kim. Fuck.

"Shit, you scared me, Chu."

Jisoo pressed her nose against Rosie's shoulder, then her lips against the exposed skin. "Let's get out of here and spend the rest of the night with me,"

Around Jisoo, the word 'no' did not exist in Rosie's vocabulary.

"M'kay,"

・゜・。.

Rosie was still holding the drink she had made for herself as she and Jisoo walked along the streets of sub-urban Melbourne.

"You want some, Chuchu?" She asked as she offered the drink towards Jisoo.

"I had so much to drink already."

"Yeah, must taste really amazing coming off from that girl's collarbone huh?" She sounded jealous, but Rosie wasn't really mindful of her words as of the moment since she had shut her brain down, it wasn't currently working.

Jisoo did not acknowledge the tone Roseanne was using, she felt rather guilty. They were not even together but Jisoo felt guilty, extremely guilty. She wanted to apologize, tell her that she was not going to do it again, but they weren't together.

So, the shorter girl stayed silent.

Rosie tilted the cup and downed at least a quarter of its content. She sighed and looked up at the stars.

"Chu—"

"Love—"

They both laughed right after catching themselves talking in unison. Rosie motioned for Jisoo to start first.

"I'll stay with you guys, I went over it, much cheaper, less lonelier, I don't know—" Jisoo laughed, the truth of why she chose to still be with them dying in her mouth.

And maybe Rosie should have had went in first because her truth died in her mouth as well; blinded by fear, controlled by fear. Her heart continued to hurt and she downed her poison in one go.

Liquid courage.

She waited for it.

"Not all of us are going to the same college, so it's kind of interesting to be roomies..." Jisoo smiled.

Rosie laughed and nodded, "Perfect timing then, can't wait to go flat hunting with you girls."

"So what is it?" Jisoo asked, then they met each other's eyes.

"I was going to try and convince you to live with us," Rosie laughed to hide the fact that she was lying and that she wanted to scream at herself for not being brave enough.

Jisoo reached down for her hand and held it.

So that was it, Rosie was going to love her wholly, yet ever so quietly, with her swallowing the desires that she could never act upon.

She pulled Jisoo closer to her and put her arm around the shorter girl's frame, then she pressed her lips against her forehead. Then slowly, in sequence, she left kisses there.

One... two... three: I love you.

Four... five: Thank you.

Six... seven... eight: Stay with me.

Nine... ten... eleven... twelve... thirteen... fourteen: Please don't ever find somebody else.

She was going to find the courage, she really would. It just wasn't the time, when the time will come it would happen. She promised herself the situation wasn't a not ever.