love, rosie | ✓

THE FIFTH AND FINAL LETTER

Sleepless nights were no stranger to Roseanne, they were more of a friend — companion — introduced by over thinking, befriended by Rosie herself.

Now there she was with two companies, her restlessness and then her, the girl, the love of her life, the one she — unfortunately — was scared to fight for (fuck, there was something so deeply wrong with her); Jisoo Kim.

It was the usual now; if it wasn't Jisoo, it would be her.

It started around a few weeks in living together; of course Jennie and Lisa roomed together, which left Jisoo and Rosie to share the remaining room of the shoebox flat they got in the University district. It made them feel like emerging adults.

Rosie was drifting to sleep that time when she felt somebody else's weight on her bed, then soon warmth was snuggly pressed against her side.

"Let me sleep here," Jisoo mumbled.

Rosie planted a kiss on Jisoo's forehead as an answer.

It wasn't long before it was Rosie's turn to crawl into Jisoo's bed; she was extremely exhausted from work, the restlessness was haunting her, and Rosie was absolutely right to make the decision of settling beside Jisoo.

"Can't sleep," She mumbled.

Jisoo's answer was the same as hers, the raven haired girl planted a kiss on each of Rosie's cheeks, it brought smiles to their faces.

"Sweet dreams, baby."

"Hmm, you too, love."

Now that one, it wasn't any different, this had been the usual; but there was an ache in her, an ache which was difficult to understand. An ache brought by silence, brought by her passiveness, brought by her fear.

Earlier as she was walking to go to campus, she had seen Jisoo seemingly close to somebody, and the possibility never really dawn into her, until Jisoo settled herself beside her that night.

Rosie couldn't take it, she wasn't so sure if she can continue loving silently; she needed to be honest with herself, she needed to let Jisoo know.

If it gets too awkward after Jisoo rejected her, well, she really had no choice but to deal with it. Deal with the inevitable, the one she loved never really returning any bits of her affection; although this time (at least) she could move on because it would finally come from Jisoo.

This over thinking was really bringing her to the edge of waterworks.

With a heavy heart, Rosie detached herself from Jisoo's hold, she carefully trudged towards her desk, she grabbed a paper and pen, then she exited her and Jisoo's room.

Everything else was silent.

Not any sound coming from anything but the whirring of the few electronics in the apartment.

Rosé opened the fridge and took a beer. She uncapped if and brought the cool rim of it to her lips, as the taste of it hit her tongue, her face scrunched up and she cringed.

"Shite, why do I bloody think I'm Lisa?" She whispered to herself.

She should have just went for a pineapple juice, but obviously she was trying to embody the aesthetic of a sad college girl whose comfort drink was a Corona beer during one o'clock in the morning.

She sighed, she already opened the beer, Lisa would be pissed if she's find out Rosie opened a beer and didn't finish it.

Rosie could practically hear Lisa's whiny voice: "I bought that you know, with the money I earned from my shifts"

She didn't want to deal with the Thai like that, so she kicked the fridge closed and turned the lights on in their kitchen/dining area.

She took another swig. Much more bearable.

She sat down and placed the paper on the surface of the table.

She remembered the time where she composed letters or long messages for Jisoo, threading the thoughts she had together to make it all coherent.

Actually to put it into consideration, Rosie actually did not write anything intricate, intimate, long letter for Jisoo.

This all began with one letter, and she supposed she was going to close it with one as well.

Rosie sighed, took another swig from the okay-tasting beer, and smiled sadly to herself.

This was it.

・゜・。.

February 10, 2016

Dear Jisoo,

Do you remember that letter I wrote you when we were in fourth grade (I think)?

Jesus, that was years ago. But that was the first letter I ever wrote you, I can't exactly remember what I had put there, it was along the lines of asking you to leave the school.

I'm laughing recalling it honestly. I'm so dumb.

I think I was asking you to leave because I was so bothered by your presence for some reason, and now, look, I feel like I'm so dependent of your warmth. I don't think I can last a day without you.

I'm glad you didn't leave, really.

Actually, love, you didn't leave. Not at all, the past years with you, you slowly made a home inside of me, and you're really stubborn because this is where you belong now, and goodness you're my home now too.

This is really cliché, I know.

But, Jisoo, you've always been there. You're everywhere actually.

Jennie is my best friend, and I always thought that you and Lisa became my best friends too; with you it is different though.

There is something a little more with you; the things you do scream a little more. You put extra effort, you put extra love, you put extra delicateness, and maybe that's just my feelings heightening every little act you make, making it seem a little more.

It's hard to recall the time I had fallen in love with you, Chu.

Maybe it was when you comforted me whenever I wanted to hurt myself, maybe it was when I felt so angry with myself, I was crying as I called you, you didn't even ask if I want company, you just asked where I was and you came. You held me, until I calmed down.

Maybe it was when you asked me to walk with you somewhere, and you brought me to your mum, you introduced me to her and I don't know why you did that, I cried so hard because I know how much you love her and how much you probably want her with us that moment.

Maybe it was when I kissed you on the cheek for the first time and you were so crimson red and I don't think you've never been more beautiful than in that moment; but then again every moment that came you've become even more beautiful.

There are countless of memories I have with you, and I think honestly, maybe, in each of those moments I fall even more in love with you.

I never really had the courage to tell you because I remembered that thing Lisa said, "I don't want to be that gay friend who falls in love with one of my friends," and also I was just really scared.

I know you won't hurt me, goodness I know that's the last thing you want to do with me; but it's just that I don't want to lose you, Jisoo.

There is a fine line between relationships that are quite scary to cross.

It's getting really difficult though, not being able to let you know how much I'm in love with you. It's so painful I barely breathe sometimes. It hurts and it feels good to be around you, it's just so complicated.

I might die because of heart failure if I keep this to myself.

I'm really in love with you, Jisoo. I love you so much. You're the love of my life.

Love,
Rosie