A LEAP OF THE EARLY BIRD

So inexplicably more...

Yearning is a very peculiar feeling. It affects the senses in ways not many other things do. It affects emotions. It affects the mind. It affects the soul. Because it causes the person to miss the one their heart yearns for, it makes them evaluate why they are yearning for only that person, and it makes them acknowledge that they are powerless against the feelings that fill their heart.

Sanem yearned for Can's presence with all of her being. Her heart yearned for him. Her mind yearned for him. Her soul yearned for him as well. In her mind she was finally able to admit to herself that she loved him. Her heart would not accept otherwise. He was already there, and there he would stay. But she was afraid. Because of the lies she had told him. Because she knew she would hurt him. Because she knew she was not good enough for him, and she did not need Deren to enlighten her regarding this matter every chance she got. He was out of her reach. So much beyond it. To the outside world. But on the inside, no one would stop her from reaching for him. Deep within, she was free to dream, free to hope, and free to love. Because even if it was onesided, that feeling he sparked in her was so powerful and so fulfilling that all she wanted to do was embrace it for as long as she could.

But something had happened. He reached out for her too. And he kept reaching out. And that scared her beyond words. Knowing that someone like Can took even one look in her direction was more than her heart could handle. Her heart did not know in which direction to pull her soul. To know that she spent each breathing moment wishing for his closeness, touch, and gaze, and to have that wish come true within that same day broke her heart. And it repeated so every day. To have him next to her but be unable to accept it for what it was... To have him look into her eyes but be forced to turn away... To know he was reaching out to her but be forced to deny it. To lie to him that he meant nothing when all she wanted to do was shout back that her love for him filled her whole heart. To lie to him and that he did not matter at all...

Sanem could not wait to get home after they had worked at Can's house. She had an inkling in her mind that going to his house would get her heart in more trouble. She knew that every moment she spent close to him made her wish for one more moment. Each smile he offered, each gaze he stole away. Each time he reached for her tea. It all mattered to her. The fact that she saw her favorite book on Can's coffee table turned butterflies in her stomach. She picked it up. How could she not? And she could not decide if knowing that he liked the book brought her more pleasure than feeling the warmth of the book in her hands - because that meant he had read the book for quite some time. She knew what it meant to become so enchanted in a book that one lost the sense of time and reality. It also meant that they shared something in common. And she would value that tiny, seemingly insignificant detail. Because it became grand to her heart.

Something else happened that evening. Can spoke Polen's name to her for the very first time. She saw it on his phone before, but he did not know she knew who it was. But now he said her name. And it stung even more painfully than she had imagined. Because she was real. Because she was not his past, but his present. At least she was told that by others. But not by Can. And that's where the change in her heart came in. It gave her hope. And it ripped that hope away. Polen no longer mattered, because they broke up. Yet as much as hearing him say those words brightened her spirit, his words also dimmed her light. Because she realized that even if he pursued her now, even if he professed his feelings for her, her only option would be to turn away from him. If she confessed to him, he would hate her forever. If she did not, she would not have the heart to face him because of the lies she had told him...

So she read at home. The same book that he read. And somehow she felt conncted to him, in the faintest of invisible threads woven by their favorite author. She smiled briefly, and could not help to wonder how strangely the virtues of life played together to have an author write a book long ago only for them to read it at the same time now? So she read and let her soul search for answers. And although the answer that it offered told her to end work at Fikri Harika, it begged her for one last night of that dream of a world with Can in it. For one last wish. One last moment of knowing she mattered to him. One last breath with his name on her lips. Because he meant more to her than being forced to marry Muzo not out of love but out of necessity now that she would be left without work. Because he meant more to her than the broken heart she would now come to live with. Because he was more. So inexplicably more...