The F- Buddies

35. #WalangMagpapaiyakSaBabeKo

When I was in grade one, I had a friend named Maritz. Sa loob ng room, kami lang ang binu-bully na dalawa. Reason? Kasi sobrang liit ko at sobrang pangit niya. Mukha raw akong fetus na naka-uniform at mukha raw siyang undin sa Shake, Rattle, and Roll. We used to share the same seat—yung desk before sa school na pandalawahang student at table ng next desk ang pinakasandalan.

Students, teachers, and even parents normalized bullying sa schools without them noticing it. Na kapag may na-bully, kasi may bully—and that was normal because that's how the system works. It was wrong, but it was inevitable.

One afternoon in January, Maritz got bullied for no apparent reason. Being ugly was enough for the predators to act violently. And since kami lang ang magkakampi, I fought against three boys for her. Sinaksak ko ng lapis yung isa, sinipa ko sa bayag yung isa, 'tapos hinubaran ko ng shorts yung isa. And our classmates saw everything dahil waiting na lang kaming matapos ang recess time. Kids wouldn't see the difference between self-defense and bullying, sa totoo lang. They just laughed because of what I did.

Ipinatawag ang parents ko to explain. Ganoon din ang parents ng tatlong nakaaway ko at parents ni Maritz. Hindi dumating ang parents ni Maritz kaya wala rin siya sa guidance office that time.

Bumaon daw sa pisngi ng classmate ko ang lapis. Hindi naman tumagos pero naiwan sa loob ng balat ang lead kasi nabali ang tasá. Yung nabayagan ko naman, hindi ko naman sinasadyang mabayagan. Tiyan kasi dapat ang sisipain ko, e bayag lang niya ang abot ng height ko. Alangan namang utusan ko pa siyang bumaba para lang matamaan ko ang tiyan niya. Yung isa naman, hinubaran ko lang ng shorts, parang inabuso ko na. Sinusulatan nga niya ang kuwelyo ko kaya ako napapalo ni Mommy, sinumbong ko ba siya?

Then the counselor asked me why I did that. Instead of saying "Binu-bully po kasi nila ako!" I said, "Ayoko kasi sa kanila!"

May point naman ang sinabi ko kasi hindi ko naman talaga sila gusto dahil sa ginagawa nila sa amin ni Maritz. And guess who was wrong and took the blame?

Maritz dropped out as early as January para lumipat ng school. She didn't even say na victim siya ng bullying. Hindi rin siya nag-testify about what I did sa tatlong kumag na nam-bully sa kanya. And my classmates were spawns of fucking Satan kasi ang alam lang nila, ako ang nanakit. Talagang ikinuwento nila ang ginawa ko at hindi ang ginawa sa amin ni Maritz.

Surprise, surprise! Guess who became the evil kid?

I was suspended for a goddamn week. The teachers blamed me. The parents of those three scumbags blamed me and my parents for my lack of discipline. And most of all, my mother punished me because of that fucking incident.

I didn't cry that time, even if it was so fucking unfair. Na gusto ko lang namang ipagtanggol ang friend ko pero bakit sinalo ko ang lahat ng pasakit? Na bakit parang mali pa ang ginawa ko kahit na gusto ko lang makatulong?

But everybody said I needed to be punished kasi mali ako. Kasi maldita ako. Kasi ang bad ko raw na bata. Bullshit.

I didn't cry kahit gusto ko nang umiyak. Kasi alam ko sa sarili kong wala akong ginawang mali. Lahat ng ginawa ko? They deserved that. They deserved more than that.

And guess what? That made the situation worse. They said I didn't feel any remorse. Na ang bata-bata ko pa, ang haba-haba na ng sungay ko. Dahil lang hindi ako umiyak! So, maybe if I cried that time, they would've heard my side—but I never regret not crying. Not a single tear had been shed, not a single damn had been given.

After that year, lahat ng classmate ko, binully na ako kasi may record na ako sa guidance. I told my parents about that, pero sabi lang nila, ako kasi ang nangunguna kaya ako ang inaaway. No one has befriended me ever since that day. They only talked to me kapag may kailangan sila, but most of the time, palagi akong mag-isa.