Mistakes I Made | The Walking Dead

Part 40

I don't remember much of the past few days, but I think that's probably for the best at this point. I remember fire... so much fire and smoke, and I remember seeing Carl sick, I think... I think I remember seeing him. In all honesty, I can't tell if my memories are truly my own or if I'm just recalling the things people have been talking about.
I don't remember much of what happened with Negan that day either, but the slow forming scar across the side of my face painted a pretty jarring picture of the events from that night.
And the walk from Alexandria to Hilltop— that feels like it barely even happened. I do briefly remember getting into another bout with Tara, not sure about what though but I've just continued to keep my distance since then because I honestly have no idea if I was in the wrong or not during that scenario.
I've actually been keeping my distance from everyone since we got to Hilltop really, especially with Dwight not here.

Dwight and I had so little in common and I had so many reasons to want him dead, but after my last stay at the Sanctuary and everything he's done since then, I truly felt like he was someone I could rely on, especially with the rocky relationships I was dealing with now. Tara and I were as far from friends as you could get, Rosita and I weren't on speaking terms, and Daryl was so caught up in his own rage that I can't even imagine us being able to have any sort of civil conversation. I mean... I don't even know what we'd talk about.
Everyone was divided and broken, not only emotionally but physically... people are exhausted.

But it wasn't just all that that was keeping me from reaching out to those who were once the only thing I ever considered family, what was really holding me back was the fear of their questions.
I don't know what people's thoughts about me now were, but I do know what my own are, and even now I'm my own harshest critic.

The world was continuing to spin, each day was passing by, people were getting things done and making plans and I... I felt like I was being kept out of the loop. Granted, I know the reason my help wasn't being asked for was probably because of the injuries I was recovering from, but something in me made it feel like it was because their trust in me had dropped, which I wouldn't blame them for.

"Not that it's not good that you're up and walking, but you really should be getting all the rest you can." Sidiq spoke, catching me off guard as I turned his way, not even noticing that I had wandered over to the medical trailer.

I nodded, "Yeah it's just, the medication puts me out for awhile," I began to explain, my focus shifting up towards the partly clouded sky, "I'm just trying to get some air while I can."

"Well, since you are up, mind if I check on a few things?" He asked, gesturing to the door.

I let out a sigh, my eyes scanning the beauty the Hilltop had to offer, before agreeing and walking over to where he stood under a makeshift roof.
I had gotten so sick of being poked and prodded and drugged up when all I wanted was to be out in the world again, doing something that actually mattered.

"Any changes in what you've been feeling?" Sidiq asked, beginning to peel back the dressing over my shoulder, "Soreness? Overheating? Nausea?"

I shook my head, "No, just a lot of confusion, I guess."

"Yes, the painkillers you're on will tend to make you feel a bit... spacey." He nodded, placing a new square of gauze over the wound, "I'd actually like to scale back your dosage quite dramatically with your round of antibiotics coming to an end." He spoke, catching a bit more of my attention, "Where you were— they had you on quite a high dose for your size. Are you comfortable with that— taking less?"

"Yeah, actually," I nodded, "That'd be great."

"And as far as your wrist goes," he began, his fingers rolling against the bones, "As of right now, everything seems to be in place and staying there, but I would just continue to take it easy."

"I don't think I have much of a choice on that."

He shook his head, "Enjoy the quiet while there is some, we don't get much of it anymore."

I didn't say anything, not yet comfortable enough with this new person to share how I really felt about existing in quiet. How it felt wrong and unnatural now after everything that's happened— everything since day one has been anything but quiet so how am I supposed to enjoy it when quiet only gives me time to think about what could happen next?
Negan is still out there and it's very clear that no one on either side is giving up until this battle is officially over, so this minute of quiet, isn't even that.

I took Sidiq's instructions with a grain of salt, already having been spacing out and lessening my dosage myself out of fear of being completely out of it and caught off guard.
I still didn't really know what I wanted after all of this, if there was an after, but I know I needed to focus on the now.

An extra fighter with a clear head on their shoulders is what Hilltop is going to need and that's exactly what I'm going to give them, regardless of the cause, because my main goal will always be to protect these people.

_____
I haven't updated this story in such a long time and I have to apologize for that but it was for a mixture of reasons that honestly doesn't really matter at this point.
Regardless, I'm back to updating as much as I can, whenever I can, so this is just the start of that.

(Also I just have to quickly promote another story I'm writing called Radar. It's a Mcu/SHIELD/Loki fanfic, so if you're into that stuff, feel free to check it out.)