The Discord of Remus Hisahoshi

Xam

So let me tell you about a very special person in my life named Xam. Yes, this is someone I fell in love with AND confessed to today. It was very casual but yea.

So here's the tea 🍵

So let's describe Xam. They're maybe Five Foot or Four foot Eleven and the most huggable sweetest thing in the globe. Their hair is spruce wood brown and goes down to maybe brush against their shoulders and they have big beautiful brown eyes and a goegeously white smile. Their smile is the cutest thing ever. They're proud to be Filipino and they're Non-Binary, meaning they like they/them pronouns, but they really respond to whatever.

Xam is like the funniest person ever. They're down for whatever joke you want to say and their laugh is the most amazing thing ever. Their tan face goes entirely red and their eyes squint and they try to cover their mouth with their fist but they can't and they just wheeze and whenever they laugh you can't help but be proud. They are really chill with physical affection like hugs and stuff unless it's holding hands. Or anything else romantic at that. Which brings up the problem...

Xam is a double A battery. They're Aro/Ace. Meaning they would never love me the way I fell in love with them. But it's jot their name fault and it's cool! We're bomb friends! And sometimes even play flirt. It's cool.

So let's just call this other girl who we both know named Minnie. She's in ROTC and she is a huge lesbian. We kinda have a circle of gays in our world geography class lmao. But yeah I just ask randomly to Minnie, despite my headache and pain in my ankle injury: "Hey Minnie, how did you deal with having a crush on you're best friend again?" The simple form of the answer she said to me was "Just say it to say it and the feelings go away and you go back to being friends again." Remember, I've fallen in love with my best friend three times before. Okay four. I knew that they'd end up hating me and neglect me and forget me, but I know Xam's different. They're chill and casual and I'm sure they won't hate me... right?

So the bell rings for lunch and Xam and I leave together like always, them walking on their tippie toes so they can feel as tall as me and wrap their arm around my shoulders when I just literally say "yo remember when I asked Minnie about having a crush on my best friend?" Because they were part of the convo and they said "yeah." So I just awkwardly go "I have a crush on you" and they started busted out laughing. I laughed along with them.

Long story short they said they could never hate me and said they were super cool with the affection they get from me, because I'm a very physically and verbally affectionate person. You know, hugs, cuddles, arm linking, etc. I never hold hands or whatever. I'd never want to make them uncomfortable. They also said I was the second person who had a crush on them and asked me what I found attractive so I gave them the short answer and said: "you laughing at my jokes and relying on me makes me feel needed and I really like that. Also you're heckin funny and cute."

/there was also a time earlier that month where we almost kissed but that was before I knew and they felt it too and it's just another moment to laugh at between us/

I feel horrible for not getting over it right then. Like, they're aromantic and not into having a relationship, label, or QPP right now and most likely forever form what they've told me. I feel awful for having romantic feelings for someone who doesn't want them. But they're probably the crush who was the coolest with me having a crush on them and the only one who's till my friend.

Recapping: 

First crush friendzoned me and never spoke to me again (now moved away) /Chad/

Second crush never speaks to me or even sees me anymore. /Hershey/

Third crush forgot I even existed. /Smiley/

Fourth Crush I never told I had a crush on because she is in a really happy relationship butnim debating on telling her I used to like her literally right now (fuck it I'm gonna do it) /Cordelia/

Fifth Crush totally chill and we're still best buds no matter what I hope /Xam/