Some Day | Wolfstar

Twenty-one*

WARNING : DEPICTION OF SELF HARM. PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.

***

Walking the corridors of Hogwarts castle at three in the morning was no easy task. Navigating with no light was hardly the biggest obstacle. But the ghosts prowling around the ancient buildings were hardly sensitive to the time of day. They had no need for sleep.

Ghosts were easy enough to get rid of with a simple Ghost Repellent Charm. However, the paintings were a different story. The people in the paintings loved their sleep, but most of them were very light sleepers. Sirius had had to face more than a couple angry paintings who had been roused by his footsteps in his younger years.

Sneaking around school so often definitely had its advantages, as Sirius managed to slip to and from the third floor restricted area unnoticed.

Soundlessly, he walked towards the Tower, a hand tracing the wall so that he knew where he was going. The darkness revealed nothing. Suddenly, a hand grabbed his cloak, pulling him into a room of some sort. Before he could cry out, another hand was pressing over him.

He crashed on to the floor along with his captor. "Padfoot!" James hissed. Sirius threw him off, angered by the unnecessary assault. "What the hell, James?" He stood up.

He noticed Peter and Remus standing by the fireplace.

James stood up as well. "I thought you might cause noise..." he said. Remus stepped forward, and pulled him to a chair by the fire. The warmth felt wonderful after the cold room in the third tower.

"What the hell were you doing, Sirius?" Remus' voice had an edge to it, like he was angry but trying to keep his composure.

"I was... walking..."

"Does walking also involve hiding in the forbidden section with Severus Snape?" It was James who spoke now. Sirius flinched at the vindictive tone of his voice. He had never spoken to Sirius like that in the entire course of their friendship.

"I..." he looked away from his best friend's angry face. He saw Peter clutching the Marauder's Map, looking like he was going to cry.

"Don't shout at him, James..." Remus sighed. James started pacing around the room, and Remus tried to reassure Peter of everything being okay now, Sirius wasn't hurt and they were all with each other.

Sirius felt like it was himself against them all, like he was cornered and the world was tired of him. He kept his eyes trained on his black boots.

A while later, he felt James kneel on the floor next to him.

"Sirius," he spoke softly, a warm hand gently grabbing his wrist. "I'm not angry at you... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have..."

Sirius looked at him. "We were so worried," Peter said. Remus nodded.

"Remus woke up in the middle of the night... and you weren't there. He woke us up and... we thought someone hurt you, Sirius. Thought you might be lying somewhere helpless... like Regulus," James sighed.

"We panicked so much, we forgot all about the map." He let out a small laugh. Sirius looked away guiltily.

"Why are you so convinced that you have to do everything alone, Sirius?" It was Remus who spoke up. "Why didn't you tell us? If you thought that I would've tried stopping you, then you could've at least told James. Or you could've told us that you were going outside. Why is it so hard for you to accept that we care about you? That we worry, too?"

"I'm sorry." Was all Sirius could say. Peter walked forward and pulled him up. He hugged Sirius as tightly as he could. "It's okay, Sirius. Now we know you're safe. Just don't do that again, please." He mumbled into Sirius' hair. Sirius hugged him back just as tightly, grateful for the lack of disappointment, accusation and anger he showed.

"I'm sorry," he said a little louder after he pulled away. Remus gave him a small smile, and James ruffled his hair. "Now you have to tell us everything." He demanded, pulling out a chair.

***

That night, Sirius couldn't sleep. All three of his friends were happy that he'd opened up. They offered to help, but Severus had already established a condition that it would be just the two of them, saying that too many cooks would spoil the soup. Sirius suspected that it was actually because he loathed James.

It was raining again.

Why is it so hard for you to accept that we care about you?

Sirius sighed. He could feel himself slipping away. He focused on Remus' sleeping form. Blissfully unaware of the turmoil in Sirius' mind. He felt his chest tighten.

A lump formed in his throat when his mind flashed back to the night he spent at Honeyduke's with Remus.

His hands on Sirius' cheeks. Their lips... so close...

Obliviate!

Squeezing his eyes shut, Sirius tugged at his hair. He wanted to scream.

He forced himself to sit up before he lost all of his self control. His breathing was erratic, and his head felt close to exploding. He looked at Remus again. A flash of lightning illuminated his face, peaceful in rest.

Sirius grabbed his cloak, and left the room.

The Astronomy Tower was probably the most peaceful place at Hogwarts. It was heavily charmed to keep students away when lessons were not being conducted, but for those with a will strong enough, no door at Hogwarts was closed.

Sirius climbed up the spiral stairs. The end of the staircase gave way to the Astronomy classroom, which was simply an observatory platform with large, open arches in the walls for windows.

The totwer was charmed to keep the rain out, as the windows had no glass panes. Directly in front of the staircase was a large model of the Solar System. Directly opposite to the staircase, the circular floor of the room protruded outwards to form a small balcony overlooking the grounds. Sirius sat down on the floor next to its railing and took out a cigarette. He lit it using his wand and took a long drag.

Two more cigarettes later, his mind finally cleared up a little bit.

"I'm sorry, Remus." He blew out a puff of thick, grey smoke. He looked at the cigarette and realised that it was almost finished.

He remembered the feel of Remus' hands on his checks, again.
"I'm so sorry."

The end of the cigarette burned with an amber glow, bright against the dark of the early morning. He closed his eyes, and pressed it on to his wrist. His body fought to move his arm back, but he made himself keep still.

He held the cigarette to his skin long enough to leave an ugly, dark patch, but not long enough for it to go out. He stared at the sullied skin, and burnt himself with the cigarette again.

And again.

Regardless of how many times he had done it before, the pain washed over him fresh and intense. Getting used to pain was an arrogant lie. It was simply a matter of being able to tolerate pain that made some people tougher than the others.

Sirius forced himself to think of Remus again. It brought back the guilt and shame he felt in fresh waves. He leaned his head back against the cold stone wall of the balcony.

Obliviate.

The cigarette found his skin again. And again. Then once more. Maybe twice... or was it thrice?

His eyes stung with tears, but he did it over and over until all he could feel was the burning pain. Until he could no longer feel Remus' hands on his skin.

Until he could no longer feel himself.