Some Day | Wolfstar

Seventy-seven

Sirius bit into his lip as hard as he could, trying to keep his tears in. His fingers were curled tightly around his wand.

"Hey," Remus reached over to touch his shoulder. "Sirius?" His voice was soft. Sirius looked at him. His short caramel hair was flying in the midnight breeze, and his face was pale with the cold. Or perhaps it was the weight of everything that had just happened. The scars on his face were barely visible in the pale moonlight. He looked beautiful, with the stars sparkling behind him in the background.

"You okay, Pads?" James asked. He was driving the bike, and Remus was sitting behind him. They had forced Sirius into the sidecar, and Remus had cast a silencing charm over the engine.

Sirius nodded. It felt like one word out of his lips would trigger a waterfall of unstoppable tears. And he didn't want to cry. He didn't want to cry because it felt like that was all he ever did.

He didn't want to cry over Orion Black.

He had treated Sirius so awfully, but why couldn't Sirius stop loving him, then? Why did his heart ache like that in his chest? Why did Orion's eyes keep flashing in the back of Sirius' own?

Sirius tried to remember the last thing he'd said to his father. He couldn't. But he remembered what Orion had said to him. Be careful, he'd said. And take care of Regulus.

Sirius dug his nails into his palm, choking on that familiar lump that had settled in his throat. "Sirius," he heard Remus say softly. His fingers brushed Sirius' cheek.

A tear fell.

"It's okay," Remus said gently, wiping it away. "It's okay. You can cry." Sirius shook his head. "I hate him," his own voice sounded so foreign. "I hate him so much." He wiped his tears away angrily.

Remus sighed, wishing he could comfort Sirius, but on a motorbike hundreds of feet above the ground, it proved to be rather difficult. So he took Sirius' hand in his and just held it. James looked at him sadly, and gave his knee a soft squeeze.

"My family's so fucked up," Sirius sighed. "It is," James agreed, "But it's not a bad thing. I mean, it's... It's awful, that you have to live with it, but..."

"But you don't have to feel bad about it," Remus finished for James. "It's not your choice. You don't choose your family, Sirius."

They fell silent after that. Sirius looked down. They were flying over a forest now. He could see the light of the carriage below them, driving on by itself along the path winding across the forest.

Sirius leaned into Remus' side and closed his eyes. He was so tired. And for once, he actually preferred the world in his nightmares to the real world.

***

The sun had come up when they reached Black Mansion 2.0. Sirius had fallen asleep, his hand still tightly clasped in Remus'. Remus felt bad waking Sirius, but he had little choice.

Sirius and Regulus carried Orion's body inside the house, and placed it in the hall they had appeared in through the fireplace. Walburga moved a bed to lay it on.

No one was crying anymore, and no one really knew what to do. Voluntarily or not, they awaited Walburga's instructions.

"We must give him a proper funeral," she said, calm as ever. She had yet to shed a single tear. "Now you may rest."

It was an order which carried no room for questions or protests. The five boys walked out of the hall, shaken and silent. No one said anything when Sirius followed Regulus into his room and closed the door behind him.

The other three boys went to bed in the other room. Remus and James together, Severus alone. None of them spoke except to wish the others good night.

In the next room, Sirius sat down next to Regulus on his bed, where he'd curled up into a ball. Sirius placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Aren't you sad?" Regulus asked after some time. His voice was hoarse from crying. Sirius looked at him. "I am," he replied.

"He was sorry, you know," Regulus said quietly. "After you ran away, he... he just changed. Everything changed."

"He hurt me."

"And it was awful. But he loved you."

"Just not enough not to hurt me because I was a disappointment."

"You're not a disappointment, Sirius," Regulus sat up, and laid his head on Sirius' shoulder. Sirius pulled him close. "I am. Maybe not to you. But to them I am."

"He wanted you back." Sirius went tense at those words. "He used to ask me about you. In every letter. And when I went home for holidays."

Then he should've asked me, Sirius wanted to say. But it hurt too much. He felt Regulus move away. "He loved you," he repeated, and lay down. Sirius followed him, and wrapped an arm around him. His mind was a turbulent mess, but his body ached for sleep.

He loved me.

Just not enough not to hurt me.