Some Day | Wolfstar

Sixty-four*

Sirius couldn't sleep.

He tried, he really did.

But then Lucius was there, smiling at Sirius with those painfully white teeth shining from behind his lips, his soft hair brushing Sirius' neck as he bent over him, cold fingertips grazing Sirius' cheek so gently as he spoke in that sickeningly soft voice of his. Sirius gagged, his hand covering his mouth so that Remus wouldn't hear him in his sleep.

He closed his eyes and tried focus on Remus next to him, his arm resting on Sirius' waist, his breath hitting Sirius' forehead. But all he could feel was the sweat and the cold.

Remus' arm was suffocating him, and Sirius just wanted to get as far away from him as he could, wanted to throw Remus' arm off of his body and shove him away. Every inch of his skin in contact with Remus' made him feel sick, and Sirius wanted to claw at himself until his skin came off, until he was nothing but a bleeding mass of flesh.

He gagged again, thank the heavens he had skipped his dinner. His chest was tight and it felt as if a thousand sharp needles were prickling his skin from the inside, and the urge to scratch at his skin until he bled only intensified with every unsteady beat of his heart.

Remus didn't wake up when he slipped out of bed. He didn't wake up when Sirius grabbed the box of cigarettes he'd taken from his father's study. Or when he grabbed Lucius' wand. Or when he stumbled out out into the small balcony.

Three days of training with Walburga had improved him considerably. Despite the amplified shaking of his fingers, he managed to light the cigarette.

But this time, he didn't bother smoking it.

He looked at its healed skin, and thought of what he was about to do. A cloud of shame hovered around him, thick and foggy as it prodded at his skin and pulled at his hair. He felt guilty. To make more of those ugly marks over the old, fading ones. But he did it anyway.

The tears didn't fall because of Lucous, or Walburga, or Orion. Or himself, even. They didn't fall because of the past, because of those memories so shameful and bitter. They fell because of the pain.

Because pressing a red hot cigarette on to your skin hurt so fucking bad, but why couldn't he stop, then? It was sick, and it felt sick, but why did he keep doing it anyway?

"Sirius?" Remus' voice, languid with sleep but still so concerned. Always so concerned.

And then the shame enshrouded him, the guilt heavy in his chest as it rose up his throat and wedged itself in the base of his throat. Bitter and sharp.

Sirius turned around, the cigarette still burning in his fingers but hidden behind his back. A very bedraggled Remus was standing at the door, eyes still only halfway open. And heavens, he was so beautiful, looking at Sirius with those sleepy eyes. So beautiful but so distant, so painfully distant that Sirius had to look away from his face.

"What are you doing? It's cold," Remus wrapped his arms around himself, coming closer. He sniffed the air. "Are you smoking?"

Sirius paled, and he knew he was being obvious but it was too late anyway. Remus shook his head, looking as if he'd taken a hit. "No," he said softly, reaching for Sirius. "Sirius, don't tell me..."

He pried the cigarette out of Sirius' fingers and chucked it down the balcony. Sirius kept his eyes trained on his bare feet. "I'm sorry," he whispered. Remus didn't know what to say. "Let me see," he said after a pause. Sirius stretched his arm out.

Remus sighed. "Let me heal them," he said. "Please, Sirius."

Sirius didn't want to. But he nodded his head. He felt disgusting enough about having done it. The scars would only add to that ugly feeling boiling in his stomach, sharp like cut glass as it clawed at his insides. Remus took Lucius' wand from on top of the railing where Sirius had put it down, and got rid of the burns.

"I'm sorry, Remus," Sirius said softly. Remus wiped his tears away. "You don't have to say sorry," he took Sirius' face in his hands. Sirius gagged, and shoved him away out of reflex. Remus stumbled back, the hurt evident in his creased forehead and parted lips.

"No," Sirius pulled him back desperately. His breathing was erratic as he fisted Remus' robes. "No, no, I'm sorry I swear I didn't mean to, please-"

"Shh," Remus hushed him, "It's okay, love. Look at me," he urged. Sirius looked at him, his dark eyelashes wet, and curled with the weight of tears. "Can I touch you?" Remus asked. Sirius nodded vigorously, almost desperately. "Here?" Remus' hands hovered over his cheeks.

Sirius took hold of them and pressed them on to his skin, sighing at their warmth. How could he ever have wanted to get away from this? Remus kept them there like that for a moment, not moving his fingers. When Sirius' eyes fluttered closed, he pressed their foreheads together.

"I'm sorry," Sirius said when he couldn't bear the silence. Remus traced small circles on his cheeks. "Don't be."

"Are you... did I hurt you?" Sirius asked. Remus pulled away to look at him, his hands still on Sirius. His eyes were so beautiful, dark around the edges but so intense in the middle. Green and concerned, specked with gold and sadness. "I'm okay," he replied. "I love you."

Sirius' reply was immediate. Not a moment's hesitation, not a trace of reluctance. "I love you."

"I never want to see you like this again," Remus said softly. "I want to make it better, Sirius. How do I make it better?"

Sirius hid his head in the crook of Remus' neck. "I don't know," he mumbled into his skin. "I love you." He said again, because Merlin, he could swear those words had the power of healing.

"I love you so much," Remus kissed his hair. The smell of smoke on Sirius' skin was back. He pulled away to look at Sirius. "Let's go to bed, okay?"

Remus put the cigarettes away, along with Lucius' wand. "Is it okay to hold you?" He asked. Sirius closed his eyes, pursing his lips tightly.

He was hurting again, because that wasn't how they worked. That wasn't how they'd been before. He didn't trust his voice, so he curled up into a tight bundle with his back to Remus. He reached back, took hold of Remus' hand and raised it to his lips.

He wanted to talk to Remus. To hear their voices go back and forth and sit in the air around them, fading so quickly but never quite gone. To just talk, and hear something other than his incoherent thoughts. But he was so tired and so ashamed, so disgusted by himself that it hurt to stay awake.

"I love you." he kissed Remus' scarred knuckles. Each of them, one by one. One, two, three, four.

Remus sighed against his hair and pulled him close, immersed too deep in his own aching, his heart beating not quite right either. He was still wide awake when Sirius fell into a restless sleep in his arms.

***

Regulus couldn't sleep either.

Unlike Sirius, he didn't even try.

He looked at James, who was fast asleep on another bed. He had moved to Regulus' room, sans invitation, grumbling about third wheeling. Regulus didn't mind.

He was supposed to leave for the Fountain in two days. Without Sirius. But Sirius would come anyway, and Orion wouldn't stop him. If anything, he'd make Sirius accompany him. Regulus looked at James again. He wanted to tell him to find a way to stop Sirius.

But they would never send him alone. There was no way he could go alone...

Unless they didn't know that he was leaving.

Regulus' heart skipped a beat. Could he, really? Could he sneak out in secret?

Only one way to find out.

***

Author's Note

Sorry it's kinda sucky but I can't stop feeling like shit for long enough to work on a decent chapter. Next chapter will be more interesting, I promise (I hope)