Some Day | Wolfstar

Eighty-two

Sirius wasn't aware of time passing. He didn't see the night slowly dissolving into light as the sun rose. Even time itself had been blocked from entering that room where nothing happened except for Sirius slowly going mad. He couldn't cry anymore. He couldn't sleep.

All he could feel was that tightness in his chest, heavier and more persistent than it had ever been.

He had fallen asleep on that very bed holding Regulus close to his chest, just days ago. Hadn't Regulus sat right where he was, sketching Sirius and their friends as they sat in a circle and talked among each other? Hadn't he sat on that very chair? Hadn't he been the one to draw those curtains less than twenty-four hours before?

Sirius' heart screamed in his chest when it was overcome by a wave of pain, stronger than the last. His fingers wound in his hair and he tugged at the curls as hard as he could. That way, he could pretend that his tears weren't for Regulus.

A wave of his wand shredded the curtains into strips, some of which fell to the floor while the others stubbornly clung to the window frame. Another wave sent a pile of books on Regulus' desk flying. Another pushed a lamp to the floor.

It wasn't enough.

Sirius didn't know that he had ripped the pages out of Regulus' notebooks, or that he had cut his hand on the shattered glass of a framed watercolour landscape, until the door burst open and he was being held.

It was Remus.

His hands were on Sirius' shoulders, shaking him as he called Sirius' name. "Sirius, stop that," he pleaded. "You're hurting yourself!"

But all Sirius could think of was that he was being touched. His skin tingled unpleasantly where Remus was holding him. "Don't touch me," he fought to free himself. "Get the fuck away from me!" He shoved Remus off.

"Get out!" He yelled hoarsely. Remus stubbornly held his ground, refusing to move an inch. Sirius grabbed the nearest thing he could find and flung it towards Remus. "I said get out!"

Remus barely managed to dodge the vase. It whizzed by his ear before crashing to the floor.

"Didn't you understand what I said? Get out! I don't fucking need any of you!" Sirius reached for something else. Remus shook his head and ventured a step closer. "No," Sirius backed away, crying again. "Get out," he sobbed. "Leave me alone."

He couldn't breathe.

"Sirius," Remus said gently, slowly moving closer. A tear threatened to fall from his eye as he watched Sirius fall apart in front of him. Sirius pressed himself into the wall, clutching his chest. Remus grabbed his wrists as soon as he reached him. "Sirius, it's okay," he said softly, pressing his lips to Sirius' good hand. Sirius pressed his head on to his shoulder, fisting Remus' shirt in his hands. "I told you to leave," he whispered into the familiar bend of Remus' neck where it just met his shoulder.

Remus kissed his hair. "Never," He whispered back. "Never."

They cried together until they physically couldn't anymore. Until their tears had all dried up and the stabbing pain died down to a dull heaviness in their bones. Remus closed the small cut on Sirius' palm, which fortunately wasn't very deep.

"I'm sorry," Sirius rasped into Remus' neck as they curled up on Regulus' bed. "Me too," Remus whispered into his hair, running his fingers through its knots. "Thank you for not listening to me," Sirius struggled to smile. Remus waited until that smile faded away. Until Sirius remembered that he didn't have to put it up for Remus.  "You never mean it when you tell me to leave you."

They fell silent. Sirius closed his eyes. "He was so innocent, Remus." Remus continued threading his fingers through Sirius' hair, letting  Sirius talk. "He hadn't lived yet. He had such big dreams," Sirius felt his chest ache again. He exhaled shakily. "He was so young. Hadn't been on a date, hadn't fallen in love... he wanted cats, you know?" Sirius choked on a heartbraking laugh. "A house full of cats. Fifty of them, he used to say. He didn't even get one."

"He was so fucking pure, Remus. He never hurt anyone. Why did... why was it him?"

"I don't know, love. I don't know."

"I should've-"

"Don't you dare, Sirius. Don't you dare blame this on yourself."

But Sirius did so anyway. I should've kept an eye on him. I should've looked for him sooner. I should've stopped the bleeding.

It should've been me.

"He didn't deserve it. He deserved so much more. The whole fucking world. But not... not this," Sirius whispered.

Remus pressed a kiss to Sirius' forehead. He wanted him to stop talking, because his words hurt so much, but he didn't say anything. If they didn't let themselves cry today, they'd have to carry that ache with them forever. When the sun started to leave the sky, sneaking the last of its golden rays into their room in a futile attempt to bring them comfort, they were still asleep on Regulus' bed. Tired and aching and anything but peaceful.

***

It was only the next day that brought all four boys together to have their lunch. Their cuts had started to heal, but their hearts had not. No one ate very much, no matter how hard Alphard pressed them to. Once they were done eating, Alphard cleared his throat.

"There's a lot that needs to be sorted out," he sighed. "I know this might hurt you," he looked at Sirius sadly, "but the Auror Department expects statements from you. Just to clarify what exactly happened."

The four of them were briefly questioned separately, leaving them feeling just as horrible as they had when everything happened. It was after that, that Sirius learned of Walburga's trial. She had been revived, and taken to the Ministry to be questioned.

"There's something else you must know about," Alphard said. "There's a boy... being held at Hogwarts for the time being-"

"Peter Pettigrew," Sirius growled. Alphard looked taken aback, but nodded. "The Headmaster wrote to me. He would like a meeting..."

"When?" Sirius asked. All the life that had been drained from his eyes seemed to have returned, rendering them frighteningly dark. Remus reached for his hand. That seemed to relieve him, but only ever so slightly.

"As soon as possible."

"Then we leave now." Sirius stood from the couch. Alphard frowned, "Sirius, you're not well enough to travel such a large distance..."

"I feel perfectly fine. I'd love to meet with that rat," Sirius snapped. Alphard watched him in silence for a minute, before relenting with a sigh. "Alright. Alright, let's go."

***

Author's Note

I'm never killing anyone again, I'm so fucking sorry