PRETTYMUCH a Lie [n.m]

Ninety-Two

Amelia

Everything started moving in slow motion the moment my father told me that Benjamin had no heartbeat. My ears rang and my vision blurred.

I wanted to scream.

I wanted to cry.

I wanted my baby.

I looked at my father, he too had tears brimming in his eyes. I did not want to look at Nick on the opposite side of the hospital bed. I was sure he was so ashamed of me.

I had lost the baby. 

"Amelia," my father said after a few moments of silence. "We have to talk about this. There are things we need to do, sweetheart."

My voice had been stolen from me just as Benjamin's life was stolen from him. "W-what did I do wrong?" I stuttered out, still staring at my father. There was a hole in my chest where my heart was supposed to be.

"Amelia, baby," Nick trialed off. "You didn't do anything wrong. These things happen sometimes," he said with sorrow evident in his voice. I still didn't want to look at him.

"He's right," my father placed his hand on my shoulder and continued, "None of this is your fault."

I found the courage to look over at Nick, the features on his face made me burst into tears just as I expected. He wore a frown and his eyebrows were crinkled with sadness. 

"I'm so sorry," I burst into tears. "This is all my fault." I leaned over to him and he wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly. My head buried into his chest, giving me a small ounce of comfort from his grasp.

"I know this may be difficult but we need to-"

"Get out!" I cut off the nurse as she entered the room. "Just get out!" Her eyes widened and she looked to my father; he nodded at her and she left the room.

"Amelia, honey, I understand," my dad said and kneeled down beside the bed taking my other hand in his. "We need to get you induced," he whispered.

"Get me what?" I lifted my head off of Nick's chest and looked at him with confusion. My face was hot and my nose was stopped up. I was almost positive I looked a hot mess but I really didn't give a shit.

"Induced," my father answered me quietly. "We can't leave him in there,"

More tears formed in my eyes. After a few seconds of silence from my dad, I looked at Nick for approval. He looked flustered; his eyes were glossy and a bit red. His hair was a mess. Nick looked over at me with his big brown eyes and a frown that didn't match them at all. Nick hardly ever frowned; he was ordinarily a happy person. He gave me a slight nod that seemed to kill him inside as tears fell from his action.

"I'm scared," I said, "I don't want to," but I knew I needed to do this. I took a deep breath, exhaling slowly and said, "Alright, Nick, call your mom and text Alison. Let's just get this over with." My body was numb. 

I looked over at the clock hanging above the door; it was eight o'clock on Christmas Eve, and we were meant to be celebrating with our families in our new apartment. We weren't meant to see Baby Benjamin until next month.

"I'll be back, I'll get things in order," my father stated. He kissed my forehead before he left the room and quietly shut the door behind him.

I watched Nick leave the room as he hastily tapped on his phone. Realistically, I didn't want anyone in the room with me but Nick. 

An hour later, the nurse I yelled at earlier came back into the room with some supplies. She set them down on the table beside my bed. She seemed to walk on eggshells, but I really didn't care. The nurse said, "I'm going to put this IV into your arm and inject you with a drug called Pitocin. It's going to induce the labor process."

I watched her insert the IV into my arm, "How long does that take?"

"It's hard to say," the nurse said, "Everyone is different. Some take a few hours, some longer. You'll need an epidural when you are around six centimeters." The nurse finished with the IV then said, "Let me know if you need anything." 

She gave me a small smile, then left the room.

Nick walked in after with Alison.

"Alison," I choked out quietly.

Her eyes glistened with tears and she ran over to me. I wrapped my arms around her, holding onto her as tightly as possible. "Amelia, I'm so sorry," I heard her muffled voice through my shirt. I was so relieved to have my best friend here with me.

I pulled back not able to hold my tears in again and looked at her. I just shook my head, "I don't know what happened. They told me I have to have the baby now, like tonight. I'm so scared," I cried into her.

Alison pulled me into her again and said, "We're going to get through this, I promise," as she raked her hand through my loose curls. I felt her other hand begin to rub circles on the small of my back.

"This is fucking stupid," I looked at her, "We have maternity pictures still and we have the whole nursery already set up. This isn't fucking fair," I sobbed.

Alison stayed with me while Nick kept our families in a nearby waiting room company. I told Nick to tell them to go home because it was getting late, but they insisted on staying and said they would wait. I didn't want to see anyone right now, I instead wanted someone to tell me what I did wrong, but all I kept hearing from everyone was that 'this wasn't my fault' and that 'this happens.'

Bullshit.

This fucking sucked. 

These last few chapters are really hard to write.

-Tay