Haven Bakery (mxm)

Finding the Answer

When we left the hospital, my mind was nowhere to be found. It seems to lost itself within the clouds of my stormy mind of confusion. That moment, I wasn't in the mood to think or knew what I should be feeling at the present. All I felt was this numbness.

"You're ok?" Devin asked, finding me rather quiet.

"Yeah, just tired," I sighed, sliding down slightly in the car seat. My pounded in my skull, it wasn't painful but felt really uncomfortable. 

Devin didn't question me any further. He kept quiet and concentrated his focus on driving us home.

I closed my eyes and tried to not clutter my mind with any more useless thoughts. But this persistent bug kept nagging at every nerve cell, making the need to clear my mind near impossible task.

After some time of trying to redirect my focus to something else. I gave up and no longer had the patience. Some outer influence is persistent that I find the answer to the question no matter. what. 

"Devin," I groaned, "I'm confused."

"I imagine you would be," Devin gave me a soft smile.

My eyebrow rose, wondering how he could know about my suffering. How can he understand what I'm feeling and going through now?

"Your mother told me the jest," he said.

That made senses. She must've told him while they waited for my dad and I to finish. 

"Everything is such a mix. I thought I knew what I truly should be feeling by now...however, I'm not sure." Do I hate him, my own father? But beside that question the most relevant question is I should be asking is, should I forgive him?

Do I forgive my father because of what happened in his past? To give him my sympathy and understanding, because there was a reason true reason to his harsh actions? Though what I know for sure is that I'm afraid, afraid to to just my father my forgiveness.

If I did, I feel like I be cheating myself. Robbing myself of the justice from all the pain he inflicted upon me. Just forgiving him would be the quick route, though I felt this sense of guilt if I keep holding him accountable for his crimes against me. 

However, hasn't all my dreams already came true? I wanted the chance to finally be together again with my family again, after so long. The chance was already given to me. It really started off on that day. The day I traveled back home to my home city.

Now that I think about it. Everything started to changed for the better in my life, ever since Devin walked into it. He filled that void and black hole in my heart that's been there when Roan betrayed me and my family threw me out. Devin's been my supported. And because of him, I'm able to face my family with such strength and confidence otherwise I might have fallen apart at the seams.

I owe Devin so much, and I'll probably owe him much more in the future.

Future....huh? What could my future be like?

I gazed over to Devin, he was busy being focused on the road.

In my mind, I could easily pictured him and I,  being together in the coming future all the way till death. It wasn't hard to imagine it. 

Maybe, I can do it. To just forgive my dad. All that anger that used to swelled inside of me has long since past. It all just dissipated and faded away to nothing. The emptiness and the loneliness in my heart has been filled wonderfully after welcoming Devin into my life, and the dogs were the delicious topping on the cake. 

Hmm...Maybe there is my answer. I should just forgive my father. There is nothing that is preventing for me to do so. There is no more anger or hate in me, just love of beloved, pets and family.