Smile and put on a happy face

The last good day

There are moments in life that mark a before and after. There are decisions that lead us down a path of no return. The problem is that we don´t realize until it´s too late.

I don´t know at what moment the guns falls from my pocket. One second I´m dancing with the kids at the hospital and the next I see the gun roll across the floor. I hurry and pick it up but everybody has already seen it. Both kids and doctors. In a final attempt to save the day, I laugh and hide it again, trying to make it seem like a part of my act. Maybe I can trick the kids, but I know I can´t fool the doctors. When I leave the hospital I´m perfectly aware of what I´ve just done. How could I be so clumsy? Why didn´t I just leave the damn gun in my bag? At this point Hoyt must already know. I know he´ll fire me. Anyone would. I took a gun to a children´s hospital.

 I don´t go back to HAHA. Instead I look for a bathroom where I can change and remove my makeup. I get back into my normal clothes and put the clown clothes in my bag. I can´t believe how stupid I was.

I walk out and start wandering aimlessly. I let my feet carry me wherever they want until I reach a dark alley. I don´t even know where I am. And I also don´t care. What am I going to do now?? Where will I go if Hoyt fires me? Who will give me work? How will I provide for mom? An enormous fear takes hold of me and quickly turns into rage. I take it out kicking and stomping on the garbage bags around me. Why?? Why must everything always come difficult to me?! I lash out at the bags with all my strength. Again, again and again until my legs give in and I fall to the filthy ground. I sit there, surrounded by all the garbage. I hug my legs to my chest and drop my forehead on my knees. I don´t know if I´m crying. Raindrops and tears are hard to tell apart. 

Why do I hold on, facing this dark  need to keep on living? For what I know, at the end of the day I´m just another day older, and that´s all. I´m tempted to just let myself die right here. Let it be. Death is a liberation. Let it all be over. My mind clings to this thought: nothing. Wouldn´t that be a relief? Think of nothing, feel nothing, be nothing.

I don´t know for how long I stay there, completely still except for my restless chest that struggles to breathe. How can my body be so still when inside me there is a storm mightier than the storm in the sky? The sound of thunder and a bolt of lightning bring me back to reality. My thoughts reconnect with my body. My clothes are wet just like my hair. There´s a bone-wrenching cold. Suddenly I´m invaded by an indescribable fear. If I let myself die here, people will walk right over my dead body without even noticing. I´ll be tossed in a dark alley, on this dirty floor and people won´t see me. They won´t see me because they never look down. And I will have died without ever having existed.

No… I refuse to die like this…

I summon all of my strength and get on my feet one more time. I collect my bag that landed in a corner and I continue my way home. Rain keeps on falling on me and when I finally make it to my front door, I´m completely soaked. I stop right there and I realize something. I don´t have the heart to come home and tell mom that I fear I have lost my job. How could I look her in the face? No, I can´t go inside. I don´t know what to do or where to go and I simply end up sitting in the hallway, next to the door. 

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- Arthur?