Smile and put on a happy face

The end of the innocence

In the morning a soft ray of light kisses my face. I wake up with a foggy brain. What am I doing in this bed? I kick off the blankets. My shirt is drenched in sweat. I´m not sure if I dreamed last night or if I slept peacefully for the first time in weeks. I try to capture the moment that slips away like water through my hands. And I think about all of the things that I want to believe in. 

The phone rings, calling me back to reality. I fear it's those detectives again. So I let it ring until the answering machine goes on. 

- Hi, this message is for Arthur Fleck. My name is Shirley Woods, I work on the Murray Franklin Show. I don´t know if you´re aware, but Murray played a clip of your standup on the show recently and we´ve gotten an amazing response from our viewers. Murray asked me to give you a call and see if you´re…

I get up. I answer.

- Who is this?

- Oh, hi, this is Shirley Woods. I'm the show booker from Live with Murray Franklin. Is this Arthur?

- Yes…?

- Hi, Arthur. Well, as I was saying…we have gotten a lot of calls about your clip. Amazing responses. And Murray asked if I would reach out to you and see if you would come on as his guest. 

What?? This can't be happening. Murray wants me on his show? I probably still have a fever. I squeeze my arm and touch my forehead. I need to know if this is happening or if I'm imagining it.

- Murray wants me on the Murray Franklin Show? 

- Yeah, isn't that great? He'd love to talk to you…maybe do some of your act? That sounds good to you?

- Yeah…that sounds great... 

- Can we set up a date right now? Are you available next Thursday?

I don't know what all this is about. Another delusion? I've stopped taking my medication for several days now. It might be affecting me. I´m walking down that line that divides me somewhere inside my head. There´s an edge on the borderlines where everything is dubious, everything is blurry but real. Hahahahaha, this is insane…me on the Murray Franklin Show. I shall be there.

The hospital room is bathed in light. It's the first sunny day in Gotham in a long, long time. The shirt that Sophie put on me last night, or I put on myself, I don't know, I still have it on. I'm sitting by the window and watch Penny's motionless figure as I smoke. I don't mind smoking in this place. To be honest, I don´t give a damn about anything anymore. At times she blinks and seems to awaken, but falls back asleep. 

Hahahahaha, Penny…I´m going to tell you a story. A long, long time ago…there was something that used to make me smile. And I knew if I had a chance to make people laugh, maybe I could make them happy. Remember what you used to tell me? That my purpose was to bring joy and laughter to the world? I can´t remember if I cried when I read that script at Arkham…it was a fabulous comedy, you know? A great script. I laughed so hard I think I died. 

- Hahahahaha.

I light another cigarette, filling the room with smoke. Does it bother you that I smoke in here? Well fuck off, Penny. Go to hell! 

Penny awakes. Her eyes open and she recognizes me. 

- Hey Penny…Penny Fleck…I always hated that name…

I don´t need to tell her any more tan that. I don´t need to pronounce words at all. My eyes, they say everything. And if they could speak, they would scream!!

I hated that name since I was little and I never knew why. But now I do. Now I see everything clearly. Penny… I can´t remember that you ever celebrated a birthday or Christmas for me. I can´t remember you taking me to a playground or reading a story to me before putting me to bed…you only ever had time for your boyfriends. All those awful men who hurt you, you loved them?? Is that what love looks like?? One day you brought that man home, you let him stay with us and you invited him to your bed while I had to sleep on the couch. That man who hurt me and made me cry. He took my only toy from me. And you preferred to look the other way… 

How come you didn't see the wounds on my body when you bathed me? Didn't you see the blood on my clothes when you changed me? - You fell, Happy. You must be more careful when you play…- that´s what you used to say. You fooled yourself. And how well you did it. PENNY!!!! That man beat me, he tied my hands to the radiator and left me there for days, cold and hungry!! I was only a little boy!! You destroyed my childhood!! HOW COULD YOU ALLOW IT???

And now that I'm grown up…don't you see me come home tired and beaten, shaking with cold? No. You never ask me how I am, how my day was. You see me sad and you never hug me, never give me a kiss. You think because you're sick, the world revolves around you? Well I'm sick, too!! I suffer as well!! All my life I slept on the couch so that you could be comfortable!! How fitting it was for you that I had forgotten everything. Oh, Penny, you committed the worst treason of all!! You took advantage of the fact that I loved you!! 

You only think about yourself, yourself and Thomas Wayne. And if you're saying the truth and Wayne is in fact my father, what changes? Nothing changes. Maybe he is my father and he abandoned me. But the one who let them hurt me was you. You´re just like him. You lie. You´ve always lied. I should´ve read between your lines, Penny…

- You know how you used to tell me that my laugh was a condition? That there was something wrong with me? There isn´t. That´s the real me. 

Smile and put on a happy face…That's what you used to tell me, remember? Hahahahahahaha. Hide your pain behind a mask…disguise your tears between your laughter…that's what you taught me. Instead of helping me, you forced a smile on me. 

- Happy…- says Penny in a weak voice, as if she had just heard all of my silent accusations. 

Hahahaha…Happy…that goddamn name you gave me. You manipulated me to ease your own conscience, to wash the guilt from your hands. I was a puppet on a lonely string, a string to which you chained me. You turned me into this jester. You never heard me cry?? No?? Well, I did it every day. And I still do. If I don´t cry on the outside, I cry on the inside, but I cry every fucking day of my godforsaken existence. 

- Happy…hahaha. I haven´t been happy one minute of my entire fucking life.

I get up and walk over to her bed. 

I don't want to hear you anymore. Everyone's got a story to tell, ain't that so? Well…you've had your chance to tell yours and there was never, never an honest word. Now it's my turn. You know how they say that fire is the devil´s only friend? Well, the only friend of a clown is the laughter. I hope you like my joke…you'll see that even Satan will have a good laugh at it... 

I take the pillow, letting her head drop on the mattress. 

-You know what's funny? You know what really makes me laugh? I used to think that my life was a tragedy...but now I realize it's a fucking comedy.  

I press the pillow onto her face. I don't even blink. I do it with ease and cold-bloodedly. Her resistance is weak and silent and it doesn't take more than a minute until she fades…Penny is gone. 

Killing is good and by no means hard. This is where the scale is finally balanced. If I have paid my dues and served my time, here is then the crime that was missing to justify that life sentence to which I was subjected the moment I was born. 

I drop the pillow and lean against the window frame. A ray of light shines through the curtains and falls on my face. There's a different taste on my lips. I can't explain it, but I feel it…I know it. This is the end of the innocence…