Smile and put on a happy face

The man in the mirror

- Thank you for everything, Sophie…

- You don't need to thank me. 

I say goodbye, being so grateful for her hospitality of last night. I collect my things and get ready to leave. Sophie opens the door for me.

- Bye, Sophie. I wish you a lovely day.

Sophie looks at me as if she wanted to say something. She sighs.

- Arthur.

- Yes?

- Nobody has the right to hurt you…

Her words resonate in my mind during the entire way. I'm wearing my clown clothes since last night. I decide to go to work as if nothing had happened. I'm the first one to arrive today. I put on my makeup as the other guys start to flow in one by one. And then Hoyt shows up.

-ARTHUR!! 

I hear him yell my name.

I finish buttoning my shirt and walk to his office with a lump in my throat.

- Uuuuh what did you do this time, Artie?- laughs Randall.

I ignore him. Fear paralizes me. I close the door behind me but before I can even sit down, I'm already unemployed.

- You're fired!!

I know that Hoyt's voice can be heard all the way to the hall. Everyone is listening.

- Hoyt, wait. I can explain...

- EXPLAIN WHAT?!

- The gun was a prop, it's part of my act.

- Stop it!! You're a damn liar, Arthur!! Randall told me you tried to buy a gun from him last week. I'm fed up!! I gave you a job even when you're weird and nobody likes you, and all you do is give me trouble!!

- Please, sir, give me a chance. I love this job and I really need it! 

- I LOST ANOTHER CLIENT BECAUSE OF YOU!! TAKE YOUR THINGS AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!

All eyes are on me but nobody says a word. Gary is the only one who walks up to me as I open my locker to collect my things.  

- I'm sorry, Artie. This is so unfair…

- It's ok, Gary…

I finish packing and walk to the front door. 

- Did you really bring a gun to the children's hospital, Arthur?- asks Roger, a colleague of mine. Ex colleague I mean.

- What were you going to do? Kill yourself if they didn't laugh at your jokes? Hahahhahaa.

- Why don't you ask Randall?- I reply - It's his gun after all...-

- Shut up!- says Randall.

- Oh yes, that reminds me I still owe you for that one, right?

- Stop talking out of your ass, Arthur!!

I turn my back to them and walk out that door for the last time. For a few minutes, I feel good, I feel free. But that feeling fades away after a while and that fatal feeling of defeat returns. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. My mind is blank.

I'm not aware of how the next few hours go by. A mental gap builds up inside my head. It seems like my legs automatically carried me to the subway. I only know that I'm sitting on a bench watching the trains come and leave. It's already dark, that time of the night when the trains run almost empty. When I get on, I see only one person in the entire wagon. It's a young lady who's distracted reading a book and doesn't seem to notice my presence. I drop myself on a seat several feet away from her. The train departs. The tracks creak and the wagon shakes along with my body. I see my image reflecting on the graffiti covered windows. I forgot to remove my makeup and I'm still wearing my wig and all my outfit. The moving train makes me sleepy and my eyes close from time to time.

Suddenly the train comes to a halt. The lights blink. I'm not yet home. The doors open and three men in elegant suits walk in. They're young and visibly drunk, especially one of them. They take a seat across the lady who's still absorbed in her book. The train moves again. The sound of the wheels hitting the tracks doesn't allow me to hear what they're saying, but I see theat the drunker one tries to catch the girl's attention. She does her best to ignore him but I can tell she feels threatened. There's fear on her face. I know how she feels. A burst of laughter escapes from my lips and one of the guys turns his face towards me. They hadn't seen me until now. The girl also looks at me. A laughing fit builds up and suddenly all the attention is on me. The frightened girl gets up and walks over to the next wagon. I want to explain her that I'm not laughing at her. I'd never laugh at someone in that situation. I'm also scared of those men, just like her. One of them sits down next to me and the other one stands in front.

- Tell us, little clown…what are you laughing at?! 

-N-nothing!! HAHHAHAHAHAHHA

The guy next to me takes the wig from my head.

- What's so funny, asshole?!

- Nothing AHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAA…I-I'm s-sick...

I look for the card in my pocket but to no avail. One of them grabs my arms and the other punches me in the face, throwing me to the floor.

- FUCKING FREAK!!

I feel their merciless kicks over my whole body. I try to protect my neck and face. They kick my ribs, my legs, my stomach. They're not going to stop. This time they'll kill me. I'm sure of it.

Nobody has the right to hurt you...

Sophie's sweet voice seems to whisper in my ear.

The gun! Between the punches that keep falling viciously on me, I draw the gun from my pocket and without even seeing where I aim, I close my eyes and pull the trigger. The shot rumbles in my ears. The punches stop. There's blood on the walls. One is dead. I shoot at the second guy. I'm on my feet. The drunker one who watched all the scene from his seat seems to regain his composure all the sudden and tries to flee. The third shot hits his leg. The train stops and the man bangs on the doors, screaming for help. The doors open and he runs across the station, limping and leaving behind a trail of blood. I follow him. I point. Shot, shot, shot. The gun runs empty. The man is dead.

I look around. The station is completely empty.

- Shit!

Suddenly I feel my body covered in cold sweat. What have I just done? I killed three men... I start running, bag in my hand. I run and run as fast as my legs will carry me. I don't know where I'm going. I just know that I have to get away from here. I cross streets and dark alleys, most of them completely empty. I stop abruptly when I see a door in a dark corner. I push it open and walk into a bathroom. I close the door behind me and drop my bag. I lean my hands on the wall, trying to catch my breath. My legs are shaking, my heart is racing. Everything inside my head is fuzzy. I can't process what just happened. I feel like the walls close in on me, suffocating me. There's blood on my clothes, blood on my hands. I killed three men...

Despite the dim light in the bathroom, I can see my face in the mirror above the sink. The makeup is completely ruined and stained with blood, mine and theirs.

I killed three men...I killed three men...

The horror transforms into a strange fascination. My fear transforms into strength and the strength into power. Retaliation!!

There's a roar inside of me... there's fire in my veins... there's a tune in my ears that only I can hear...

From the shadows that I perceive inside of me, someone else emerges. Who are you and where have you been all this time? I know you although it's the first time I see you.

An invisible audience attends my presentation. I spread my arms as if they were wings and I thank them for their ovation. Oh, Arthur, what a great show!!

And in that broken, dirty and blurred mirror I see the reflection of a man. He looks like me and yet it's not me.