Zalfie Story Book

When the Sunflowers Turn to You

Troye could sense that Tyler was uncomfortable, if his restless hands and downward glances were anything to go by. It was understandable, at the least; he knew that if he was in Tyler’s position, he’d be pretty uncomfortable, too. But Troye was getting antsy, and Tyler’s behavior was clawing at the walls of his brain and leaving him immeasurably irritated in a remarkably short amount of time.

He wasn’t gonna snap at him, and he wasn’t gonna scream. He wasn’t even going to reiterate what he had said earlier. The only thing he could do was continue what he had been saying in the hopes that Tyler understood and would maybe stop looking so guilty for something that wasn’t even his fault.

“You think it’s weird, don’t you? That I haven’t found my soulmate yet?” Troye placed his hands on his knees and gripped. His jeans crinkled, and his eyes flittered down towards them for a small moment before looking again at Tyler’s anxious face.

Tyler’s eyebrows rose, and his lips half-curled in an almost sardonic smile, but Troye didn’t want to think about that, didn’t want to think about that coming from his best friend. “Well, babe, you’re almost twenty.” He inhaled, and on his exhale he laughed, as if he was trying to dispel the taut energy in the room.  “It’s kind of weird that you haven’t found her yet.”

Troye released the death grip that he had on his jeans.  The buzzing energy in his chest had disappeared, and he knew why. The utterance of the word “her” – it left him feeling empty. Tyler was his best friend, he had been for two years, but he didn’t even know that Troye was gay. Even if he wasn’t, the name on his wrist – most likely – belonged to a man, and it always had and always would. No sexual orientation would change that.

“Him.”

“What?”

Troye closed his eyes. “I haven’t found – I haven’t found him yet.”

Tyler laughed, and that made Troye feel better, for a reason that he couldn’t quite decipher. “Oooh, girl, you’re missing out.”

“I know.” And Troye wished he hadn’t said that, and especially in such a dismal tone, because now he sounded pathetic and self-loathing and pitiful and those were things he never wanted to be associated with no matter what. Tyler was still smiling, and Troye was torn between relief and disappointment, because it was obvious that his best friend didn’t care. There should’ve been something wrong with that.

But the thing was, he did know that he was missing out. He knew very well. He could see it in the way that Tyler looked at Marcus. He could see it in the way the two men hugged as if no one else were in the room. He could see it in their secret smiles, in their glazed eyes, in their clasped hands. He saw it everywhere. It made him feel hollow.

Tyler appeared sympathetic for all of three seconds before standing up from his seat on the couch and walking into the next room. “We need to get ready, Troye-boy! If we’re late, Zoe’s gonna kill us.”

Suddenly Troye remembered what they had been doing before they had sat down to check their social media accounts and text Zoe for details. These had been last-minute dinner plans, and even though Troye hadn’t particularly felt like doing anything tonight, Tyler had been eager enough that Troye couldn’t say no.

All that he wanted to do was lie down on the living room floor and cry the night away. The plush carpet under his feet almost mocked him as he followed Tyler down the hall and into the bathroom.

Tyler didn’t seem to want to drop the subject, however, because as soon as Troye walked into the bathroom to get started on his hair, Tyler was chattering away at him.

“I always wondered why you had never introduced me to your soulmate, but I figured, you know, I wouldn’t ask, because I have a friend like that and he doesn’t really like mixing his personal life and social life. At first I thought it was kinda controlling, but, like, it’s none of my business and he said that she was okay with it anyway, so I don’t know.” Tyler ran his fingers through his quiff once, twice, three times, and Troye was glad for the pause in his rapid-fire words. "Troye, you know it's okay, right?"

And suddenly there was a suffocating pressure on Troye's lungs, because he knew it was okay, why wouldn't it be, but Tyler was implying that there could be a circumstance in which his situation is not okay, and even the possibility made Troye desperately want to cry. 

"Yeah, of course I do." And as an afterthought, "Thank you, Tyler." 

Tyler ran his fingers through his quiff once more before shrugging his shoulders. His fingers traveled to the almost imperceptible dark circles under his eyes and he sighed. "So, what does the name on your wrist say, you twink?"

"I'm not a twink!" Troye exclaimed, swatting Tyler's arm. Tyler cackled and sidestepped away, his smile lighting up his facing and making him seem as if he was glowing. Troye was envious of that. 

Troye was also envious of the cavalier way that Tyler showed off his wrist. Why wouldn't he be? 'Marcus' was written on Tyler's wrist in neat black print. The name of his soulmate. The soulmate that he had found.

These marks were eternity. They couldn't be erased and they would never be replaced. 

Troye just wanted his to disappear.

It appeared that Troye's attempt at distracting Tyler had worked. The man with blue hair had forgotten the topic of discussion and was now pushing Troye out the bathroom door. "I have to take a shit! Use the bathroom upstairs."

Troye laughed lightly to himself and shook his head, his long legs taking him up each stair, one by one. As he entered the bathroom, he hit the light switch, illuminating maroon walls and fluffy white towels hanging on a bar across from the porcelain sink. Troye rummaged around in Tyler's hair-care basket before pulling out some product and carefully styling his quiff. His eyes flickered towards his left wrist, the pieces of blue cloth around it, concealing the name underneath it.

There was no doubt in his mind that the life that Tyler had just wasn't for him. There would be no soulmate for him. 

As the boys finished up and walked out the door, Troye wondered what his "soulmate" was doing at that moment. He wondered if the person whose name was scribbled on his wrist was happy. He wondered if they were dead.

He also wondered if maybe they were with their own soulmate. Maybe he was just an intruder on someone else's relationship. 

Maybe he was just a glitch in the system that couldn't be fixed.

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