Bombshells ~ Complete

Chapter Eighteen: Anxiety

I was confused. I could say that with total honesty. I had ushered every single Steel boy there, into an empty classroom and gotten the other three on the phone. I was confused and... Angry?

Yeah, angry! Where did they think they got the right to tell my personal business to the entire school? When I wanted the whole freaking school to know, I would have told them myself! Jeeze, I was so conflicted about the situation. 

Of course, they were just trying to show me that they didn't care about their reputation when it came to me. But they also gave away my personal information in front of everyone. God, who did they think they were?

I think I worried them, because after five minutes of being in an empty classroom, I was still silently pacing. 

"Ari, we didn't think it would make you this angry." Zander said, a confused frown set on his lips. He was confused by my reaction. They had never seen me angry. They didn't know how to handle my anger, and I suppose that fact terrified them. 

But I couldn't but snap. 

"That's because you didn't think! If you thought about what I wanted, you would've realized I didn't want the whole school either trying to be my fake friend or trying to make my life hell. Look, if I wanted anyone to know, I would have told them. I didn't ask you to share my personal life, and yet you took it upon yourselves. You thought about yourselves with that, thinking you wanted to make a point. What you didn't think about was how all this chaos was going to affect me." I snapped.

A long silence rang after, making my eyes widen. I slapped a hand over my mouth, fear racing through my veins. I had never spoken to anyone like that before. Would the boys get mad? Would they turn into my father? 

And with that final thought, I fled. 

The boys called after me, confusion and regret washing through their voices. I flinched at the pained sounds of my name leaving their mouths. They sounded so pained, like I had physically punched them in the stomach. 

That's always how mom sounded after father cut her with his cruel words. 

I had turned into my father. 

That made me race to the nearest bathroom and start vomiting up everything that wasn't quite digested. My hands were braced on the toilet seat, and I leaned my face against my right hand. I couldn't believe I could do something so evil. How could I hurt them like that?

And why did my father have to pop up into my every waking thought? Why couldn't I talk to him, like I had just spoken to the Steel boys?

The bell rang dully in my ears. I didn't move. It wasn't like I could learn anything in that school, anyways. I already knew what they were teaching, and so it would be pointless to go. I wanted to go home, curl up into bed, eat a bunch of chocolate, and claim that I was too sick to see anyone. 

But I couldn't. 

I had to face reality. The reality that said happy home with chocolate waiting for bad days, a warm bed to jump into, and a home free of abuse was never going to be a future for me. I needed to stop getting my hopes up. There was no point. They would always come crashing down. 

"Ariel?" A quiet voice asked. I didn't move. I knew who that voice belonged to. 

"You know this is a girl's bathroom, right?" I asked dryly, my voice breaking against my will. There was an even quieter sigh, before someone slumped on the floor next to me. I guess I forgot to close my stall door. I flushed the toilet so Ethan and I could have a conversation on the bathroom floor without smelling vomit every second. 

"I know. I also know something's going on with you. Is this about what Jaydon did?" Ethan asked. I got the feeling that if I said yes, then the boys would knock Jaydon onto his butt. That wasn't something I wanted. I didn't want more violence because of me. 

"Not really. I guess i'm just stressed." I shrugged. Ethan sighed again and put his forearms on his knees, his hands racing through his hair. 

I noticed most boys did that, one time or another. Perhaps I needed to stop being so observant?

"You're a crap liar, you know." He said. Funny, I thought, I've been able to fool all of you for this long.

"I know. I don't know what's wrong, okay? I am really stressed, I just don't know what about. I feel like I can't breathe most of the time. Like there's this weight on my chest that I can't get off, no matter how much I laugh or smile or am happy. There's this weight and there's no getting it off. I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, and i'm always tired. But i'm restless and tense at the same time and I don't know what's wrong with me." I said, tears making their way down my face. 

Why was I crying again? Why was I always crying?

"That's called anxiety. It sucks." Ethan said softly. I looked at him from the corner of my eyes. He knew what this was like? Guess we all had issues. Every person in the world had issues, and I had forgotten that. 

Wow. I had never expected to forget that. 

"How long have you been feeling like that?" Zander asked, standing outside of the stall both Ethan and I were cramped into. I hadn't even noticed him. Maybe I was less observant than I thought. 

"I dunno. A couple months." I whispered. Zander slid down the stall door, so he was sitting behind me. I turned my whole body to look at him. I don't know what made me so honest in that moment. 

"Why don't you ever talk to people about things like this?" Ethan asked, sounding exasperated with the whole situation. I looked down at my fingers, as I was twisting them shakily. Was the moment I told them? About my father and mother? About myself?

"I don't know. I'm not good around people, even people I love and trust. I just don't open up." I whispered. 

My mouth decided for me whether or not to lie. I couldn't even stop it. Lying was all I seemed to be doing, and I couldn't stop. I didn't know why I lied. But I didn't know how to stop. 

"Well, we'll just have to figure something out. Won't we?" Zander asked, a strained chuckle making its way past his lips. I smirked dryly in his direction. I suppose we would, wouldn't we? 

And then the lying would continue.