Love of My Life

V

I just finished talking to our beloved ARMY through V live. Now, I have a moment to myself to contemplate about all of my dreams that had come to fruition.  BTS is a huge success internationally that now I'm considered a famous k-pop artist.  I can't go anywhere without being recognized and having my photos taken.

I love music and I love what I do even more. I'm humbled by all the success BTS has had.  I'm grateful for all of these accomplishments, but sometimes, there is an inherent loneliness inside of me that I can't shake.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for my six brothers who had been by my side for the past seven years sharing our fears, insecurities, rejections, blood, sweat, tears, and finally the taste of success.  They are not my brothers by blood, but they might as well be. They know me more than my own family, as I spent most of my teenage years and the beginning of my adult life with them.  I don't think I would have made it out during training and lasted as a k-pop idol without them.

Yet, even with all of them by my side and all of the army's affections around the world, I still have this feeling of emptiness that needs to be filled by something I can't even describe.  It's this restless feeling that something is still missing in my life. 

I am young and at the prime of my life.  I am having the time of my life.  I've travelled to places I only imagined back in our farm in South Korea.  I have met interesting people, famous and not so famous.

I used to tell my grandmother that I wanted to channel my creative energy into music. I was not the greatest singer nor dancer, but with hard work and dedication, I persevered. I wanted to have a creative outlet through music, but I never would have imagined that I will share this dream with the rest of the world. 

Alone, lying on my bed with my favorite white sheets, I finally had this time to take a moment and reflect on my life thus far. I was not kidding when I said I wanted to retire at 40 and live a simple life in a farm with my wife.  The problem is that I had been so busy making music, performing, and touring that I haven't had the time to discover this future wife. 

During our recent travels in New Zealand, these thoughts had tormented me throughout the trip. I guess, being one with nature, gazing at the stars at night, and hiking through mountain terrains with only six other guys allowed me to self-reflect. 

Most of the time, when we're camping, I wanted to be alone and not stay late with the rest of the guys. I slept earlier than everyone to escape from all of these troubling thoughts.

A thumping sound by the door interrupted my reverie. Then, I heard exaggerated laughter from Jimin and Jungkook.  They always make me smile.

"Hyung, come out of your room and have a drink of soju with us.  We want to celebrate our biggest year." Jungkook said while jumping on top of my bed.

I know they are just trying to get me out of my room because they are worried that I am thinking about the recent death threats that haunted me. Having been in this industry for seven years, I don't take anything for granted. Like the rest of the crew, the safety of everyone in the group is always my top priority. But,  I don't let these threats stop me from living my truth and enjoying every moment of our success. I will not allow them to dictate my life as BTS had made me strong physically and mentally.  

"Jungkook, don't mess up my bed.  I might have a visitor tonight and I don't want her to think I'm a slob."

Jimin who was standing by the door was hysterically laughing "What visitor? You're fantasizing again about that girl from MAMAMOO.  She is way out of your league!"

I smirked and looked at Jimin sideways. The guys had not stop teasing me for the past week about my recorded reaction during one of the racy dance routine by Hwasa from MAMAMOO. 

I'm an adult male in my mid-twenties, idol or no idol, I have to appreciate the "creativity" of Hwasa. Jimin is partially right, I appreciate the beauty of Hwasa, but she is not what I'm searching for.