Bright Burning

Home Sick

After two days of crying my literal eyes out between classes I realized that keeping my phone charged at 100 percent was useless when you weren't going to get a call from it. I tried to teach but there was not much I could explain when I constantly checked to see if her name would show up. Even worse I don't think any of my others students ever looked back at that empty chair and wondered where their classmate could be.

Sometimes I wondered if she was ever there in the first place, did I fall asleep at my desk and dream her up? I felt so crazy that I went online to my teachers webpage to make sure her name was there. It was and I felt silly for thinking she didn't exist.

I wasn't sure if we had broken up, but I couldn't call to find out because that meant I would be bothering her. The funeral hadn't even been decided so I didn't need to add any more stress. As much as I wanted to be there with her holding that hand that I loved so much I couldn't.

"Are you crying Sensei?"

Looking up I wiped the tear away from cheek and smiled at Yeo. "Just home-sick."

She handed me her paper and I took it not wanting to bothering explaining anymore. She was a caring girl, the first to even notice something was wrong with me in the first place but I could barely even see her face, all I saw in everyone was Akira. Every time I ate I wondered how she would make the food, every time I took off my shoes I imagined how her toes would curl when she concentrated. When I spoke Japanese and knew I messed up with my pronunciation I wished she would be there to correct me. "You forgot your name Yeo." Giving it back to her I took off my glasses and rubbed my tired eyes.

She watched me for a minute before writing. "What will you do this summer Sensei?"

I put my tongue on the roof of my mouth to remind myself emotions should be put to the side while doing my job. "Teaching online. If you want to continue learning English just let me know."

Yeo checked her paper to make sure everything was right before handing it back over. "That would be nice." She bowed slightly as the bell rang. "I hope you feel better."

"Thank you." I whispered listening to the bags and rustles of papers fill my head. I couldn't even see my students leaving, I zoned out at nothing but I could hear everything. I could hear their happy conversations and I wondered if it really was them speaking. Sometimes it felt like a movie played that was being fast forwarded.

Blinking a few times I opened my top cabinet and looked at the book that Akira probably didn't even know I took. My plan was to patch up the tear in the middle and help it dry from the powerful rain, but I had left it in my desk so she wouldn't see it. Turning to the back I looked at her writing and immediately began crying. I didn't even bother closing my classroom door, students were passing by but I knew they wouldn't care to look in and see me.

My head hurt from the constant pounding of a stuffy nose and hurt head so I grabbed a pill from my purse and tilted my head back to help swallow it. Hopefully it would help just in the slightest to calm my racing mind and hurt feelings. I began to worry about everything that would happen in my own life if Akira up and decided we were done.

Should I go back to the states so I could live comfortably again? Be with my family and watch my nieces and nephews grow up. I couldn't stay here knowing there was a possibility every day of seeing her face from a far but never being able to run to it and make it smile.

"You look rough."

I opened my eyes as Amy pulled a chair up to the front of my desk. No words left me as I set up and winced hearing the horrible noises from the floor getting scratched by the metal. You would think seeing your friend cry would make you want to be quiet and understanding with noises but Amy didn't seem very sympathetic as she sat down with a grunt.