Bright Burning

Kami

The countryside was a beautiful place. Even as Amy drove down the road and the scenery changed often, I appreciated every part as I leaned my head against the window. I could hear her explaining parts of the funeral I needed to know about but I couldn't bring myself to listen, her words were like a distant announcement that you never listened to on airplanes.

I knew by not listening the plane could go down and I wouldn't know what to do but at this point, would I care? The fact that I was going to see her today made my mind spin in a sickening way. I felt like I was back at the beginning of our relationship when I was afraid she would deny my love but what was even scarier was if she did the exact same thing as last time...not even acknowledge my existence.

The funeral home was in an odd building. It looked nothing like funeral Holmes in America, kind of like an alter but for the family's of those who practice the Shinto Religion, which a lot still did in the rural parts of Japan. I closed the car door and smoothed out my black dress, there were lots of no no's when it came to their funerals. No perfumes or flashy colors, my skin couldn't even show which meant right panty hose had to fit over my legs. I would have worn a gurney to show up though.

At the entrance there was a table with a few women, only one lady I recognized. I really needed to ask her name instead of referring to her as the rice lady but now was not the time. I only smiled at her as I unwrapped the cloth from the goreizen, a proper envelope to put money for the family. Another important thing Amy and her friends had told me was to not put the amount that would show a four. That number meant death to them.

After handing it over I looked down at the guest book and wrote my name in Japanese, my writing looked off compared to everyone else's and I still had a line off people behind me. We passed a room that had the actual casket of her grandfather. It was open yet the room only held a few men who kneeled down in front of it drinking what looked like tea.

"The men are saying their goodbyes." Amy whispered in my ear. "Probably his sons."

One of the men looked up at me as he took a drink. He didn't seem hostile but he didn't pay anymore attention as he went back to talking with the other man. If only he knew how much his niece meant to me.

Rounding a corner there was a door open that Amy lead me toward, before we reached it she handed me my beads. "Are you ready?"

I could only muster a nod as we went into the darker room, the room was musty from the incense that burned from someone doing what we would be doing. The family stood around the tall table and my heart caught in my throat as I saw Akira looking down, she looked breathtaking in a beautiful traditional kimono with lighter grey swirls surrounding the fabric, not many other woman wore it and I assumed there was some reason that I probably would never know.

Her face was done in natural make up but I couldn't see her brown eyes from her long natural eyelashes covering them, she didn't wear any jewelry but her features were enough for her. You wouldn't just take the most beautiful diamond in the world and paint it.

Holding the beads between my thumbs I bowed in front of the family and closed my eyes for a silent prayer like the women in front of me did. After that I took the incense and offered it to the family, reaching out I caught her mother's eyes who stared at me intently. Bringing it down to the bowl I replaced the ashes and bowed one more time as slowly as possible. Blinking a few times I prayed that when I looked up she would be looking at me but when I raised, her eyes were still glued to the table.

There was nothing else I could do for her. turning I left the room tying my hardest to hold in all my emotions. It turns out that that's a very hard thing to do when surrounded by crying people. Amy followed behind and grabbed the bags that were given to us at the end, she said they usually give gifts as a thank you for coming but I didn't want one. I didn't want to drink tea in front of his casket knowing I broke the man's promise.

Getting into the car and slamming the door my forehead immediately began beading sweat from the hot sun shining into the leather interior. "I'm never wearing panty hose again." I whispered holding my head trying to keep in the tears

Getting in the car herself Amy quickly turned on the car and put the bags into the backseat. She didn't say anything for a moment as she watched some other people walk inside the altar. "She's beautiful."

"You could tell which one she was?" I asked grabbing some tissues out of my purse.

She laughed, "I think it's was pretty obvious. When you were praying she couldn't take her eyes off of you."

Turning my head to make sure she wasn't kidding I realized she wasn't as she put the car into drive and left the parking lot. That brought a new joy to me that I hadn't had in days. "She was looking at me how?" My mind began to race again as I turned to face her, I didn't even consider putting on my seatbelt as she turned up the air.

She smiled and looked over at me, my blonde hair blowing back. "Like she loved you Laura."

Falling to the back of the seat I let my eyes focus on the ceiling of the tan car and wondered how I could have missed her gaze, even if I missed her eyes I was happy to see her in general, her mother didn't seem to feel the same about me however. Hopefully that wouldn't be an issue for Akira later, I was never one to pray even though I was raised to do so. Now I seemed to find myself praying a lot more, asking god to keep her safe since I couldn't. "What does that religion believe when someone dies? Where do they go?"

She batted her head side to side in thought, "Their beliefs can often get lost in translation, most People of their faith believe death isn't clean that's why they are cremated and turned to ash. It goes way back to believing death turns you into bad spirits no matter how good you were when you were alive."

I didn't know how to take that answer so I only nodded as she turned up the volume to her music. There were so many different kinds of ways to honor the dead and I knew about so little of them. This one was truly confusing to me though.

"Shinto followers do believe that the spirits of their ancestors and kami can protect them though."

I shot my head over to stare at Amy who seemed confused at my interest. "What is Kami?"

"Kami are deities or gods. There are kami who personify the wind, rain, mountains, trees, rivers and fertility. Amaterasu, the sun goddess, is the most revered kami in the religion." She took one of my tissues to blow her nose even though she hadn't even been crying.

I smiled at the thought he would be looking after her, maybe he was even looking after me. Trying to hit me from the afterlife to remind me what I had promised not only him but her. I'd like to imagine he was twisting the events to make us end up together, but I couldn't get over the way her mother looked at me. Even worse, how the rest of the family looked at me. She had to have shared how disappointed she was in her own daughter because those women knew when they watched me pray. They knew about the forbidden love that I brought upon the young innocent girl.

I wouldn't stop trying though, even if we spent eternity missing each other's gaze I would keep trying to show her how much I love her. She wasn't forced to love me, she felt the same as me and I knew those feelings were there to stay.