Let Go: Winterwidow

Part 1: Restless

Natasha was currently lying awake in her bedroom at her penthouse. She tossed and turned, but she just couldn't fall asleep. Memories flooded her mind and kept her awake. Bad memories. Painful memories.

She sighed and rolled out of bed. She took an elastic and tied her hair up into a messy ponytail and threw on a black tank. She then picked up her gym bag, which was lying ready next to the door, and walked downstairs and outside. Working out helped to clear her mind and relieve the stress built up inside her.

When she arrived at the gym, she could hear fists against a punching bag coming from the doors. Whap! Whap! Whap! They sounded constrained, as if the person was holding back. She frowned and checked her watch. It was 5:30 in the morning, who could possibly....

Barnes. Of course it was him, no one else at the gym ever trained this early, not even the teachers. She stopped outside the door and hesitated, listening to his powerful blows. Should she go in? She didn't want to interrupt his mental breakdown or whatever. It wasn't very polite but... she needed to help herself too.

She took a deep breath and entered, just to see Bucky assaulting the punching bag, with his hair tied up in an updo. He grunted with each blow he gave, punching the bag. Natasha felt herself blush and she couldn't seem to look away. The way his body arched when he made contact with the bag... the way his muscles contracted with his movements...

She shook her head violently. Snap out of it Romanoff! Barnes is off limits! You know better than to fall in love! 

She quickly moved over to the bags and selected an extra heavy one. She heard Bucky's pounding stop and listened to his loud panting as he relieved himself.

"Hey Nat," he breathed, using a rag to dab at his brow, "why are you here at this hour?"

"Couldn't sleep," she replied bluntly, dragging the bag next to his. "I usually come down here to get my mind of things."

He strode over and grabbed the hook of her bag to hang it up for her. "This looks a bit heavy, need any help?"

"I can do it myself," she said stubbornly, snatching it away from him and lifting it with ease. "See? I'm not some damsel in distress, I can take care of myself."

"I never said you couldn't, I just wanted to help," Bucky frowned and watched as she wrapped some gauze around her knuckles. "It's okay to accept help you know."

"I don't have some tragic love story like you and... what's-her-name," she said as she squared up to the bag, "I didn't need help, and I still don't."

Bucky chuckled and walked back to his bag. "My girlfriend's name is Celestine. And I said the same exact thing, but accepting help can really make a difference."

Natasha gave the bag a quick, skillful blow. "It's good to have people who care. It keeps you going, but it also can bring a lot of pain."

"Oh, I see," Bucky said as he started on his bag again, "you're not much of a risk taker. You're afraid of being hurt again."

Natasha scoffed and gave the bag another blow. "How would you know? I've never told you about my past."

"You make it too obvious," Bucky said as he continued to assault his bag, "someone's hurt you before." He swiped low and his metal fist collided with the bag. "No one ends up like you without a reason."

"And what's that supposed to mean?" she slapped her bag, "I've been quite happy with the way my life has gone, thanks."

"You know what I mean," Bucky said as he gave his bag a powerful punch, "you used to have a boyfriend... Eddie, wasn't it? Breaking up with him has made you afraid to try at love again, that I can tell you."

Natasha involuntarily gave the bag an extra hard punch, making a thwack echo in the room. Bucky stopped and turned to face her, steadying his back to keep it from swinging off its hinges. Those haunting thoughts were flooding back into her head, and she could feel herself snap.

"Don't deny it, Nat," he said coolly, "you don't take risks because you're afraid of gettin-"

"Shut up!" she cried, spinning around to face him, her face livid. "You don't know anything about me, so don't you dare pretend you know what's going on in my life!" 

Bucky's eyes widened and he took a step back in shock at her sudden raised tone. "I-I'm sorry Nat, I didn't mean to-"

"Sorry doesn't help anything!" she hollered and snatched up her bag. "I'm going home." 

Bucky followed her to the doorway, giving her a pleading look. "Nat, please don't go! I'm sorry!"

She scoffed and slapped him away when he put a tentative hand on her shoulder. "Don't touch me!" she hissed.

Bucky flinched and backed away. She gave him one last glare before exiting, fuming. What made him think he could just tell her she's afraid of being hurt? He's a clueless idiot, that's what! Even if he's absolutely charming and totally hot...

She shook her head again, disgusted with herself. Barnes is off limits. He's not for me. Love brings nothing but pain. Besides, he's got a girlfriend and they're practically married...

She stomped up the stairs of her penthouse and threw her bag onto the floor. She ripped out her elastic and let her fiery red hair drape around her shoulders as she stormed into her room and slammed the door. He doesn't know what I've been through, he has no right to think he can help me.

She flopped onto her bed and buried her face into the pillows. Let go of the anger... let go of the pain...

Natasha sighed deeply and relaxed somewhat. The pain she felt in her heart calmed and she managed to sit up. She thought about the look on Bucky's face as she had yelled and left him. Her heart fluttered slightly, but she swallowed the feeling down at once. Men only know how to break hearts, not make them..."

But was Bucky like that? She thought it over as she hugged the pillow close. No, he wasn't that type of man. Sure he was stubborn at times, and reckless too but... he wouldn't want to break anyone's heart. He was too sweet and humane to do something like that. He was too loyal and respectful too. He would treat his partner right for sure.

But Natasha Romanoff? She always seemed to be chasing away the people she loves. Her ex always said it was her fault, and maybe they were right. Her temper always got the better of her. All the secrets she kept stayed secrets. 

She could never let go of the pain she felt.