Let Go: Winterwidow

Chapter 17: Particles in the Sunlight

Weeks later, Bucky woke up at one in the afternoon. He rolled over onto his side, completely unmotivated. His eyes were bloodshot and his hair was a mess, along with the rest of him. He hadn't even shaved so his stubble was now grown out into more of a beard. Sam had been worried for his friend, but they were two guys so sharing feelings wasn't really on the table. The brunette was quiet and reserved as well whenever they crossed paths, but Wilson didn't mind. He knew what it was like to divorce, but he was hoping that his friend wouldn't have to go through that as well.

Bucky hugged himself as he lay there in bed, imagining it was his wife that held him so close. It was more rewarding than sitting here by himself like the coward he felt he was. He missed Natasha, and he missed Stevie too. He wished he hadn't created a situation where he would have to stay away until Natasha decided to talk- he'd felt bad crashing on his friend on such short notice.

The guilt inside him roiled again and he gritted his teeth as he clutched his stomach. He hated himself for upsetting his wife like that, he was an idiot to leave her to pick up his mess. And worse, Stevie was still unstable so if something wrong happened, she would have to deal with that on her own again, unless she thought it was worth calling him. He wished he would've let Nat explain before he had blown up like that... Maybe all of this being separated wouldn't have happened...

The truth for him was that... well... he really was terrified. His entire world had been shaken, more than he ever thought it could be. First of all, Natasha was some damn spy now? Was she just using him to blend in or something? How many people has she killed? This was all so backwards and it was overwhelming the brunette.

The second fact was that this Fury guy's organization had been there right under his, and everyone else's noses for who knows how long. Natasha was a killer... they all seemed to be... So many people seemed to be under the darker man's business and whatnot, and Bucky knew he wanted no part of that.

Bucky shook his head and held a pillow over it, muffling a groan of exasperation. What was he supposed to do? He was too loyal to just break things off with Natasha, and he wanted Stevie to be safe, but he knew he couldn't take him away from her. And to be honest, he didn't want to think of his wife as a secret assassin, or even HIMSELF as one of those Shield freaks. He knew she had the right to explain, and once she was ready he'd be happy to listen this time.

The brunette sighed into the fluff of his pillow and rolled onto his back to face the ceiling and stare at it blankly. He loved her... he would always love her... Natasha...

Bucky sniffed and blinked a few times as the shaft of light from his open window seemed to migrate and point directly into his face. He rubbed his irritated eyes and watched as the little dust motes and particles floated around in the sunshine, making him think about smaller things in life, equivalent to the size and meaning of the particles.

His job wasn't something that he considered completely necessary to be happy. So if having a job with these freaks is what would help him support his family, then by gosh he'd have to go through with this nightmare! He didn't care if Natasha had a dark and secret past- he had fallen in love with her without knowing about that stuff, and he knew he still was still completely head over heels for his wife.

Another small thing in his life that would mean nothing in the long run was money. Yes, yes you need money, but it wasn't like his life revolved around it. Sure they needed to pay off various debts and bills, but why did he do that at all? Because he needed to provide for his family- he WANTED to.

Bucky had to look away from the blinding light for a moment, his mind still turning. If all those particles were things that didn't matter the most to him, then that made the sunlight everything else. His wife. His son. They were his light through the countless particles that threatened to choke him out. All of those stupid things he needed to let go of.

Let go.

Realizing this made him sit up, feeling much more motivated than he had before. He even smiled. Hah! He was going to get up and shower and clean himself all up so that he could- Suddenly his phone started vibrating and when he checked it, it was Nat! Perfect timing!

Bucky yanked it up with a brighter smile, dying to talk to the love of his life after what felt like eternity. His heartbeat was in a happy sort of rhythm as he answered and held the phone to his ear, ready to both apologize and forgive about everything.

"Nat! Aw, you have no idea how much I've- Natasha? Are you okay?"

Bucky's smile quickly faded and all his plans and ideas about how they could fix things were completely vanished in an instant. He almost dropped the phone. Natasha was... sobbing.

"Y-You have t-to come b-back r-right NOW!" she wailed on the other side of the phone and Bucky winced slightly.

"O-Okay, I am, but you don't have to cry anymore, I promise it's all fine-" Bucky spluttered, fearing she was all broken up because of him, but she cut him off quickly.

"I'm n-not TALKING a-about our d-damn fight!" Natasha snapped and choked, having to catch her breath.

Bucky frowned slightly and gripped the phone. If it wasn't about their fight a few weeks ago, then... Natasha was getting hysterical now and Bucky knew she was in danger of passing out or worse.

"Easy, Nat, easy... Hey, honey, breathe for me, okay? I'm coming over and we'll sort out whatever-"

"H-He's gone, J-James! He's GONE!!" she practically screamed and those two words suddenly made all the sense in the world to him. This time, he did drop the phone, out of pure shock.

Stevie was...

Gone.