Let Go: Winterwidow

Chapter 18: Goodnight to Stevie

Time.

              Life.

                         Happiness.

All working against each other, and yet without them there would be no purpose on earth. Time makes you want to rush all the things you need in life to succeed, and that can either cause you to lose sight of your happiness, or it can earn it for you.

Natasha had been looking over their debts late at night when it happened. Coughing in Stevie's room started up again and she had thought the breathing treatment would take care of it. Though she had hoped it would die down, it didn't, so the ginger went in to check on him. The little blonde's hand was hanging out in between his crib's bars limply and Natasha rushed to the cribs' side. The baby's eyes were partially open, but he didn't seem to see her.

"S-Stevie?..." she breathed, barely able to contemplate what was happening. Her throat seemed to be being squeezed tightly and she reached down into the crib to lift him, feeling something like sickness in her stomach now.

Those once sweet and alive eyes were now dull and unseeing. Natasha cradled him close to her chest, feeling like she was going to puke from all this shock and horror. No, no he wasn't- he couldn't be!!

She held him tight as if he was going to suddenly wake up and coo at his mama and everything would be okay again. That he would reach up to cup her cheeks and laugh, and she would laugh too. Silly boy. That he would be able to walk on his own soon, and then run and grow into a happy little boy and run and play and make friends. He would go to school and learn about life, and friends, and grow some more. That maybe someday he would find a person to call his own and have his own family, and one day make Bucky and Natasha proud grandparents.

All of that was gone now. All of it.

He was... gone.

From the silence rose a scream. Not a scream of horror, or sadness, although those were in the mix. It was a scream of grief. A scream of unworldly pain. A sound that only a mother could make, when losing her one and only child.

Natasha's knees collapsed and she fell to the ground, holding her baby close as she choked out a wretched sob. Stevie would never have known a life without health issues and suffering. He would never know what it was like to even walk on his own. His life had come to a complete abrupt halt, and Natasha felt as if she had died along with him. She needed Bucky with her... she needed her husband to be there!! But it was her fault that he had left... it was her fault that Stevie was-

The thought made her lose all the air she had and she couldn't seem to breathe in. She wheezed as she held poor little Stevie's body as she realized how this must have happened. He had caught a pneumonia spell or something from the burnt pasta. The smoke must have triggered him and Natasha realized that if she and Bucky had been more civilized and had not fought the way they had, this might have never....

"O-Oh, Stevie!" she wailed and looked down at his little form, all limp and lifeless. His once rosy cheeks were cold and dead, along with the rest of him now. "I-I'm so- so s-sorry..."

The joy in her life had been snuffed out, taken away from her. Her son was dead- her boy, her everything! And her husband had left her for who knows how long! Life itself seemed to be crumbling, the world around her black and white now, drained of all color.

All night, she stayed like this, holding her baby. She woke up in the morning even though she thought she wouldn't be able to sleep, and after what felt like an eternity of the loss of the ability to breathe, Nat finally found the strength in her to shakily drag out her phone and call Bucky.

What she had wanted to do was apologize about everything of course, but to her Stevie was far more important than some stupid, petty fight. She wasn't ready to do it. To let go of her first born and only baby. She had adored him and would have done anything to have him live. She would've taken his place if need be, without hesitation. But here she was on the floor of Stevie's nursery, starting to break down again as soon as she had a bit of feeling. All of this had made her numb with the realization that Stevie would never be able to laugh or play or be happy ever again.

Just hearing her husband's voice made her heart throb again. She had missed him so much and wished that he could've been here when she discovered their precious baby... HE would've known what to do, right? Why did Natasha always get caught up with Stevie's illnesses on her own? Now she would prefer he was sick to him being...

Let go.

No. Natasha knew she just couldn't this time. She would never, EVER be able to let go of her baby, her beautiful precious son, Stevie. Her baby deserved better than that. It was a cowardly thing to do and if Natasha was one thing, she was definitely not a COWARD. She may have been acting like one recently by not contacting James sooner, but now she was going to snap herself out of this stupid idea that Bucky would only come back if she begged him to. Because he wouldn't. He would come back, and for the right reasons, like Stevie...

Natasha was beside herself with grief as she told Bucky what had happened, and when she heard the call suddenly end, she guessed he must have dropped the phone. Not that she didn't mind, she knew that he was on his way once he snapped out of it. The ginger struggled to stand up and walking was more difficult than she ever thought possible as she carried Stevie's body.

Bucky was finally returning to her after weeks of nothing, and she hoped that they would be able to put their differences aside enough to be able to focus on what was most important.