Conflicted

Chapter Ten

* Chase's POV*

Jonah stays silent for a while. He slowly brings his arms up to his chest, hugging himself. I start to worry that he's going to have another panic attack. "Jonah? Are you okay?" I ask softly. Jonah nodded and looked down. He seemed embarrassed or even ashamed, I couldn't tell. Jonah seemed so unsure of himself, and it broke my heart. I guess it would be hard to be confident, growing up in the situation that he did. "Maybe you should sit down. You look like your going to be sick." I say, putting my hand on his shoulder, causing him to flinch. I quickly move my hand away. I didn't want to scare him. That was the last thing I was trying to do. I should have figured he'd react like that, though. I need to think before I do things. Jonah isn't like most people, I need to remember that before I try and comfort him. "S-Sorry I-I didn't mean t-to. I-I can't help it." He says, noticeably shaking. I sigh softly and nod.

I want to give him a hug, but I'm worried that would freak him out. I decided to try it anyway. "I'm going to give you a hug," I announced before gently wrapping my arms around him. I feel him tense, but he doesn't pull away. Maybe that's a good sign. I'm sure if Jonah actually didn't want a hug, he would tell me. "Jonah, please relax. I'm not going to hurt you, I promise." I whisper softly in his ear. I know it's going to take a lot more then me telling him I'm not going to hurt him for Jonah to believe me, but I'm going to keep saying to try and reassure him." I-I want t-to believe you. I-I'm just scared." Jonah admits before pulling away from the hug. I didn't argue. It takes time to gain someone's trust, especially when you've broken that trust so horribly in the past.

"I don't expect you to trust me. Not right away, but can we please try and start over? I'm sorry for everything, and I know that's not enough, but I know I'm never going to be able to forgive myself. I'm so stupid for ever taking those assholes side over yours." I say. I want to sound confident, but the sadness in my voice betrayed me. I look down towards the ground, unsure if how Jonah will react. I know the past is the past, and I shouldn't be so hard on myself for it, but I am. Jonah didn't deserve the pain I gave him. He was the only person I cared about back then, and I betrayed him. Jonah turned towards his room and headed inside. "You can come to sit if you want," he says softly before sitting on the edge of his bed. I slowly follow him inside the room.

I take a moment to look around his room. I always wondered what Jonah's room looked like even when we were kids. I noticed a few paintings on Jonah's walls. I think they look outstanding. I wonder if Jonah painted them. I know he likes art, and Auntie Jennie says he's pretty good at it. Something was calming about the simpleness of Jonah's room. There wasn't much to look at, but I feel like that's probably the point. Jonah has always been a simple person. But I think that's what I've always liked about him. I don't think he'd consider himself a simple person because of his past, but I still think he is. "Is there anything you want to talk about? You look like you have some things on your mind. I've always been told that it's not good to keep it in." Jonah asks nervously, pulling me out of my thoughts. I could tell he didn't really want to talk, but it was kind of him to offer. I sigh softly and slowly sit next to him. I can't help but notice the scar on Jonah's cheek. The scar that I left him with all those years ago. My thoughts are quickly taken over by that day.

"Hold him down!" Jessie shouted to the others. I watched as Noah roughly grabbed Xavier's writs while Omar grabbed his ankles. Xavier tried to fight back but failed the two boys holding him down were much bigger than Xavier and much stronger. Xavier looked so helpless. I couldn't help but look away. I hated what was happening, but there's nothing. Noah harshly digs his nails into Xavier's wrist, causing him to yelp out in pain. "Stop squirming!" he shouts in Xavier's face. "This is your chance to prove your allegiance to us, Chase," Jessie announces. I feel a pit in my stomach.

I knew what he wanted me to do. I don't want to hurt Xavier, but I can't back out now. God, I'm so weak. I should just stand up for him, but I can't seem to find the courage too. I catch Xavier looking up towards me. The hurt in his eyes crushed me. "Please, C-Chase, d-don't hurt me." he pleads, making me feel even worse. I should feel bad though I'm about to do something terrible to someone I care about so much. I know he's never going to forgive me. That's just something I'm going to have to live with, I guess. Jessie pulls a knife out of his pocket and hands it to me. Xavier looked terrified when he realized Jessie had given me a knife. "Aw, look, the gay boy is crying," Omar says, mocking Xavier. I didn't understand why they hated him so much. Jessie told me that Xavier admitted to having a crush on him when they were in the first grade, but is that really a good reason to bully someone? It was a harmless crush.