Conflicted

Chapter Nineteen

*Jonah's POV*

"Thank you," Chase said softly. I smile in response and slowly pull my hand away. I notice Chase frown as I do. I wonder why? Maybe my hands were cold, and I made his cold. "What's wrong?" I ask, looking at Chase, hoping to meet his eyes. He shrugs and looks back down at his sketchbook. "I guess I just have a lot on my mind," Chase says softly. I wonder what he's thinking about. What could be making Chase so sad? When we were kids, Chase always seemed so happy and bubbly, which was the complete opposite of me, so what changed that? I sigh softly, shaking myself from my thoughts. "You can talk to me if you want too. I'm not going to judge you." I hope Chase can tell I'm sincere. I want him to trust me and tell me what's bothering him. I might not be able to help, but I know it's not good to bottle everything up all the time. I'm sure he'll tell me when he's ready, though. I look back over at Chase and notice a tear drop onto his sketchbook. "Chase?" I ask a little worried. He looks up at me, seeming a little confused. Maybe he doesn't realize he started tearing up.

I don't really know how to comfort people, but Chase is my friend, and I want to help him as much as he once helped me. I slowly bring my hand to his face and gently wipe the tears away. Internally I can feel myself panicking, but I push it away. The last thing I need is to worry Chase when he's already feeling down. "Talk to me," I say softly, hoping he might open up at least a little bit. Chase was quiet for a moment but responded. "When you left, I realized that your friendship was the only light in my life. I realized that too late, though, because I had already hurt you. I was a terrible friend. I still am." I don't really know what to say to Chase. I've already forgiven him for the past, so I wish he could just forgive himself. He's not really fair to himself, Chase was just doing what he thought he needed to do to protect himself, and I understand that. Not everyone is going to accept me for who I am, and nobody knew about my life outside of school. I'm sure some of Chase's guilt comes from knowing more about my past than I ever wanted anyone to know. I think the only thing I can do at this moment is to try and help as best I can without the full story. "I can tell there's more that you don't want to talk about, and that's okay. There are things that I'm not ready to talk about either. How about for now we try and put the past behind us so we can work on moving forward together." I say softly. I noticed a light blush on Chase's cheeks, which I think is cute, but I would never admit that out loud. "W-would a hug help?" I ask shyly. I'm not a very good hugger, but Chase hugged me when he knew I was sad, so maybe if I give him a hug, it'll help. Chase smiles before answering my question.

"Sure," he says quietly I nod before pulling him into a gentle hug, As soon as I did I could feel Chase's heart beating steadily against me. Something about the hug made me feel safe like no matter what happened as long as I was here in this moment, nothing would go wrong. It's a feeling I don't think I've ever experienced before I didn't know it was possible for me to ever feel this way. The sound of the bell ringing caused me to jump. "Are you okay?" Chase asked, pulling away from the hug. I nodded, "I guess I just lost track of time and didn't expect the bell to ring." I admitted.

Chase chuckled and gathered his things off his desk. "Where do you usually go for lunch?" He asked, looking at me curiously. "It usually depends on the day. Sometimes I stay in here and just work on whatever assignments I have, or I go sit outside under a tree." "Can we go to the tree then? I'm getting a little bored of this room and wouldn't mind a change in scenery." Chase asks. I nod and gather my things. "I need to go to the cafeteria first and get some food though, is that okay?" Chase asks. I hate the cafeteria, but I don't want to stop Chase from getting something for lunch that would be inconsiderate.

"Yeah, sure," I say softly. We stop at Chase's locker first to put our textbooks away before heading into the cafeteria. I couldn't help but notice how loud it was, but I shouldn't have expected any different. It's a common area where other people usually hang out. "Huh, I guess the loner finally made a friend." I hear a voice say behind me. I turn around to see Julia. She wasn't a bully in the same way Elias was, but she was still mean to me when she had the opportunity. Not physically, but she likes to make me feel bad about myself with her words. "That's a little rude, don't you think?" I hear Chase chime in. Julia seemed shocked by Chase's response. Maybe she wasn't expecting him to stick up for me. Julia scoffed and walked away without another word. "Is that normal?" Chase asked, sounding a little sad. I shrugged. "I don't really come into the cafeteria if I can avoid it. It would probably be more consistent if I was in here all the time. "Then how do you eat lunch?" Chase asked, raising an eyebrow. "I don't usually eat lunch," I admit feeling a little ashamed. "Not eating lunch was something that had become normal for me. When I was a kid, my mother never packed me anything, and now that I'm older, I just choose not to because I don't want to be stuck in a crowded place with people who don't really like me." Chase sighed and paid for his food. "Show me where the tree is." He said softly. I nodded and led him to my quiet place under a big oak tree near the school. "This place seems so peaceful," Chase said softly. I nodded and sat down under the tree before patting the spot next to me. Chase smiled and sat down with me before handing me an apple. "You should probably eat something. I know you said its a habit, but it's not healthy." I sigh and take the apple. "I'm sorry," I say, looking down at the apple. "It's okay, I get it. You're scared to go into the cafeteria because it's loud and people bully you. It's probably also a little bit overwhelming since I know for a fact you don't like loud noises you never did even when we were kids." I'm surprised Chase remembered that about me. "I'm not by any means going to force you to go into the cafeteria because I know it makes you uncomfortable, but you are going to have to let me get lunch for you from now on, okay? "I took a small bite out of the apple Chase gave me and nodded. "Thank you," I say softly.

"Is the bullying still as bad as it was in the past?" Chase asked, catching me off guard. "No. Elias is really the only one who does anything physically. I think he only bullies me because I rejected him, though." Chase gave me a curious look. I decided I should probably elaborate a bit. "In seventh grade, Elias asked me out to a school dance. It kind of came out of nowhere for me, and I got nervous, so I said no. I didn't know him very well, and I was scared it would just be a trick. Part of me still thinks it might have been, but he only started bullying me afterwards, so I think I might have hurt his feelings." I say honestly, taking another bite of my apple. Chase looked a little shocked. "Do you think you would date him if he had actually given you a chance to get to know him?" Chase asked. I shrugged. "I don't know. I have no idea what he's really like. He never gave me the chance to get to know him, and after everything, I don't really want to get to know him. I'm just kind of scared of him, and I don't think I'd ever been able to make that feeling go away." Chase frowned and looked down. "But you forgave me." I sigh softly. "You weren't a consistent bully in my life; you hurt me once because you weren't given another choice that situation is different from Elias's. He started to bully me because I rejected him. If he can turn on something so small, imagine what would happen if I made him angry while in a relationship with him? I don't think it would be a very good situation." Chase looked back up towards me, meeting my eyes. "Would you reject me if I asked you out?" He asked, catching me off guard. I feel my cheeks burning. I have no idea how to answer that. If I say yes, he might get hurt, but I don't think I'm ready for him to actually ask me out if I say no.